Good Day; Bad Day.

Just when life should be getting easier!

Strange old day. I have the typical womanly issues today - Im not sure how many blokes read this, but I am sure you get what I mean. As with many women, all I have wanted all day long is junk. However, I knew I didn't need it. I knew I could manage as I have done now for a few weeks, haven't binged at all. It has been bloody hard work but over the las week or so, I haven't even noticed it.

My confidence has grown in leaps and bounds. I am happier with how I feel, how I look and how I cook. I am starting to feel a little more adventurous with my dress sense. My teaching is more vibrant and enthused. I am happy.

So why the hell did I do it? What the hell is wrong with me? I've been doing sooooooooooo well. I've been so proud of myself. Then I let it go in the space of 15 minutes. I undo all the good work I have done, for nothing.

It was a funny old day. I felt I had worked pretty hard and got nowhere. I felt pretty on top of things though, pretty confident. I had my new long black sweater in that makes me feel thin (who knew how fab New Look Tall is?!), my weight watchers humous and carrot sticks in the fridge, and no mental ability to organise myself at all! I was not on this planet. I knew I was being covered this afternoon, yet I hadnt sorted any lesson out - I have no idea why, this was not me. So, I worked through my lunch, forgot the carrots, and the somewhat suspect low fat humous.

So, come 4.30 I was starving hungry. I hadn't felt so hungry in ages. I am now used to set meal times (ish), to eating a decent, healthy amount. I am not used to skipping meal at the moment. I thought my stomach was going to lurch up and out of my throat, just to eat something. I drove passed McDonalds (Satan's food by the way) and felt myself drawn. I quickly kicked sense back into the alien brain and decided on a sandwich from tescos. I spent a good few minutes perusing the calorie content on each lable - to my horror I found that the 'healthy option' thai prawn wrap had more calories than the normally packaged duck and hoisin wrap, how does that work?! So, with my relatively low ft wrap (the lowest there) I went to the check out . . . . via the bakery counter . . . then by the chocolate counter.

I lost control. I drove a few minutes, parked up and within 4 minutes I had eaten wrap, huge chocolate cookie and chocolate egg, all washed down with some manky flat coke I had bough on my drive to Newcastle a few weeks ago. I wanted to vomit right there and then. I was appaulled. Not only at what I had eaten, but at the speed and desperation I did it in. I hated myself. I wanted to curl up and cry and beat my head. I was devestated.

I gathered myself together, made sure I put all wrappers into a carrier bag and went home. Immediately I told steve. I burst out crying, sobbing how sorry I was, how I had undone everything. I was waiting for the disapproval, the disapointment, the disgust . . . . it didn't come. Not that I expected this from steve, its what I felt about myself, therefore why shouldn't somone else see it too? He came over to me, arms around me, pulled me towards him and sshhhsshed me. He was proud that I had admitted to what I had done. That I was now strong enough not to hide it. To admit it to the world meant I could still fight this. Straight away he put his shoes on and took me for a walk, some fresh air and some damage control both necessary.

I still don't know why I did it. I wasn't down, I wasn't angry, I didn't feel like I needed anything, I was just hungry. I was suddenly so consumed with desperation to eat, so consumed with the idea that I was doing something wrong. I knew it wasn't a good idea, I don't think I even really wanted to, but I did.

Not sure I can do this. Maybe I'm just destined to be big.

Nx