From this point on I will probably be known as quite evil. What is the point of being an adult if you cannot have adult conversations about things without descending into hysterics?
I have never really been a strong person, I have always wished to let things lie, to let bygones be bygones etc. I didn't like to challenge people, I still don't, but I have realised there is no point going through life keeping your mouth shut. If things upset or offend you of course they should be voiced, in a calm, rational, adult manner. Obviously not only delivering home truths in the correct manner but also in the correct situation.
I was never good at my timing. Before Steve and I were an item, usually in fits of jealousy, I would have a go at him for pointless things in public arenas. This did not make me a very nice person and made many people feel uncomfortable. From that point I tried realy hard not to grumble about anything.
This turned in on myself and made me a paranoid (even moreso) weak shell. I was too scared to say anything ever. When Steve and I started living together, this internal turmoil would erupt into a violent explosion. I would scream and cry and become hysterical, I would storm about, push, shove, lose total control. Thankfully I have learnt now to control anger and 'discuss' things that bother me, but only with Steve.
However, things bother me. After breif storming sessions, strugling with my demons and pacing about the house, ranting inside my head, I can calm down. In this zone I become very calm and rational and am now able to piece together a justifyable arguement in my head. I am not saying I am always right, but I feel I am now able to approach difficult situations with a clear head, knowing my part.
I don't take to these situations lightly, usually they take weeks if not months to manifest. It does also take something I feel quite important or serious to provoke it, no more walking out on Steve because he hadn't washed up! No more childish tantrums because my toys fell out the pram.
So it was in this calm, rational yet determined mode that I called a friend this evening. Shaking like a leaf and terrified of the ramifications, I settled on the idea that I had to say something. I wasn't sure how it was going to go or how well recieved my conversation would be, not good though. I knew the point I wanted to make, I was calm in my decision to call. Understandably, she didn't take it well. Thats the problem though with being honest, it hurts. She is understandably upset and feels that I have attacked her, it was personal. However, I maintained my rationality and although my hands, arms and legs were dithering uncontrollably, I felt I managed to stand my ground rationally. Something I could never have done 12 months ago.
I hope if she ever reads my blog again that she understands why I did what I did. It wasn't out of spite or hate or mallice, but out of geniune love and affection for those I care about. I know that there will be fallout from this. I am aware that things will be misunderstood, that chinese whispers may take over. But I feel I did something for the greater good this evening. Or maybe Im just a meddler? I don't know. All I know is I can't doubt my decision now, whats done is done, I felt it was necessary.
That again is another problem with honesty. What some people believe to be necessary is completely different from anothers point of view. I believe I am a kind, sensible, thoughtful person and would do anything for my friends.
I hope you see it this way.
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