Wicked Witch of the (North) West

From this point on I will probably be known as quite evil. What is the point of being an adult if you cannot have adult conversations about things without descending into hysterics?

I have never really been a strong person, I have always wished to let things lie, to let bygones be bygones etc. I didn't like to challenge people, I still don't, but I have realised there is no point going through life keeping your mouth shut. If things upset or offend you of course they should be voiced, in a calm, rational, adult manner. Obviously not only delivering home truths in the correct manner but also in the correct situation.

I was never good at my timing. Before Steve and I were an item, usually in fits of jealousy, I would have a go at him for pointless things in public arenas. This did not make me a very nice person and made many people feel uncomfortable. From that point I tried realy hard not to grumble about anything.

This turned in on myself and made me a paranoid (even moreso) weak shell. I was too scared to say anything ever. When Steve and I started living together, this internal turmoil would erupt into a violent explosion. I would scream and cry and become hysterical, I would storm about, push, shove, lose total control. Thankfully I have learnt now to control anger and 'discuss' things that bother me, but only with Steve.

However, things bother me. After breif storming sessions, strugling with my demons and pacing about the house, ranting inside my head, I can calm down. In this zone I become very calm and rational and am now able to piece together a justifyable arguement in my head. I am not saying I am always right, but I feel I am now able to approach difficult situations with a clear head, knowing my part.

I don't take to these situations lightly, usually they take weeks if not months to manifest. It does also take something I feel quite important or serious to provoke it, no more walking out on Steve because he hadn't washed up! No more childish tantrums because my toys fell out the pram.

So it was in this calm, rational yet determined mode that I called a friend this evening. Shaking like a leaf and terrified of the ramifications, I settled on the idea that I had to say something. I wasn't sure how it was going to go or how well recieved my conversation would be, not good though. I knew the point I wanted to make, I was calm in my decision to call. Understandably, she didn't take it well. Thats the problem though with being honest, it hurts. She is understandably upset and feels that I have attacked her, it was personal. However, I maintained my rationality and although my hands, arms and legs were dithering uncontrollably, I felt I managed to stand my ground rationally. Something I could never have done 12 months ago.

I hope if she ever reads my blog again that she understands why I did what I did. It wasn't out of spite or hate or mallice, but out of geniune love and affection for those I care about. I know that there will be fallout from this. I am aware that things will be misunderstood, that chinese whispers may take over. But I feel I did something for the greater good this evening. Or maybe Im just a meddler? I don't know. All I know is I can't doubt my decision now, whats done is done, I felt it was necessary.

That again is another problem with honesty. What some people believe to be necessary is completely different from anothers point of view. I believe I am a kind, sensible, thoughtful person and would do anything for my friends.

I hope you see it this way.

Is it just me . . . ?

While trying on multiple pairs of low cut, flab cutting, over priced, skinny fit, depressingly thin, badly made, non-comfy jeans (it went soooooooo well), I was yet again investing in a little people watching. To be more accurate, people listening.

I know I am judgemental at the best of times, but I realised today just how judgemental I could be. Although, not entirely unjustified. The first was in New Look, who have surprised me actually with their range of tops at the moment, not jeans though - we went through this earlier, I will try not to repeat myself! I was layering tops and failing miserably to coordinate anything when I overheard voices in the next cubicle. Three generations of the same family were shopping together which I thought was lovely, something very traditional and surprising in a world so twisted round. There was a young girl spending her birthday money, her mum and grandma. I couldn't see them, obviously - I hadn't created a little peep hole to watch them by, but I did sit and listen for a while! I need more of a life . . . .

Anyway, the girl sounded about 11 - 12, quite young. She was trying on various things including jeans. Apart from wanting to tell her never to buy jeans from New Look, I was ready to scream at her elders at what they thought was appropriate for a young girl. The discussion went through white leggings, to white jeans, to mini skirts and then I heard the mother say . . . ."You look far better in those white hot pants you own!" At this point I wish I had a peep hole to see just how old this girl was. It was entirely feasable that she just sounded young, that she was a misguided teenager who thought hot pants were cool (for anyone who may be confused I would like to clarify that at no point, unless you are Kylie, are hot pants cool. They aren't now, and never will be!) I quickly gathered my things as I realised I needed to leave the changing rooms before I actually started telling people how to dress.

As I walked out from behind the curtain I realised to my horror, I was right. This was not a teenager, not even close. She was indeed a little girl. She was no older than 12 and her mother was telling her she looked good in hot pants. Now, I know I was never the coolest of kids, I always had hand-me-downs and Tesco clothes (there is definitly nothing wrong with Tesco clothes, I still love them), but come on - hot pants? On an 11 year old? Really? The mother should not be dressing her little girl like a prostitute. But maybe I'm just old fashioned . . . and quite happy to be if thats the case.

The second thing that distressed me was in Dotty P's. I was rifling through the sale rail (some nice little numbers actually, but nothig fit) when I heard a very aggressive voice, "Get eere or I'll batter you! Gerr eer now!" I looked up expecting to see a naughty boy running around the shop. I was not surprised to see the owner of the voice as a very large, extremely scary looking woman. Red puffer jacket, hair scrapped back with what I assumed was gel, could be natural . . . who knows (said I was judgemental), pushing a push chair. There was a baby in the push chair but I could not see the naughty boy. "Get by me NOW or I'll kick your 'ed in!" she continued in her dulcet tones. When I edged my head around the trousers I could see to who she was referring. Tottering behind her was a tiny toddler, no more than 2 or 3. The little girl, from what I could see, was guilty of nothing more than not being able to keep up with mother's yeti like strides. The poor thing was seemingly oblivious to the venom at which her mother was screaming at her.

I spun back around quickly, hiding the fact that I was obviously fuming. How DARE she speak to a child like that. I don't care how naughty they may or may not be - that was bang out of order. I wanted to tell her what a horrible person she was and that she didn't deserve to have one kid, let alone 2. However, I quite like my face, I quite like being able to chew food and breathe without aid. I think had I approached the neanderthal I would have ended up in intensive care.

The world is a very sad place, and things like that put my life in perspective. I had a wonderful upbringing all things considered. I was loved and knew it. I was well cared for and knew it. I never had to doubt the care my family gave me (for the most part) and I now don't have to question the care and love of my friends. That poor little girl is going to grow up knowing nothing but hate and aggression. Steve is right. Humans should have a test before they are allowed to breed, it would stop children growing up a psychological mess and hating the world thus precipitating a vicious, downwards spiral.

So, it may be a day (ish) late, but show people how much you love them. Let those you care about know how much you care about them, that you would not let harm come to them, and that you would definitly tell them how appauling they look in white hot pants.

Love you,

Nx

Ranting Rebirth

(Photo - a previous Subway Commercial)

How evil are adverts?!

I have always known there must be some spawn of satan hidden behind most adverts, but some are just disgusting. Steve has a marketing degree or two and openly admits that people in marketing and advertising have no care for human kind.

I have noticed several examples of this, but I thought I would just share the one from todays adventures. We decided, well I say we, I decided and steve was forced to come with me despite feeling poorly and having a sore shin (I don't know)! Anyway, I decided to take a walk to the mini tesco to get my ingredients for my nigella day. I could quite easily get all the ingredients from the corner shop, which steve did notice and then winged about for the 2 mile walk to tesco! On our way, during steve winging about being hungry, we stopped into subway.

Now, as far as I know, subway pride themselves as being the 'healthier' fast food option. In America they use previously obese people to advertise their products, "Look, I'm not a fat mess anymore!" They seem to say. It does depend what you order, and how good you are at saying no. For example, I asked for a 6 inch turkey salad, on honey and oat bread, no cheese. The less than intelligent counter assistant said, "No cheese!" "No Cheese," I replied. After a puzzled look she put the turkey pieces onto the bread. "Salad?" she ugged at me, "Tomatoes, cucmber and lettuce please," was my healthy option. "Pickles, olives, gerkins, onions, peppers . . ." It went on, "No thanks, just those." "No gerkins? Black olives? onions?" Feeling slightly irritated now, I gave in, "Ok, a little bit of gerkin please." "Olives then?" What was this woman on?! "No, gerkins please," I replied and proceeded to watch her lather gerkins all over my salad - so much for "a little bit."

"Any sauce, mayonnaise?" she continued. "No thanks, just as it is." Steve was having similar issues on his three meat and cheese monster. "No mayonnaise?" "No." Politeness was going swiftly out of the window. Her confused, neanderthal like face said it all. She continued to anger me further, "Anyfink else? Any cakes, biscuits, drinks . . ." "NO!!!" I myy have said, but instead I was angered by something completely different.

This is were my hate of advertisers and marketers was reborn. Alongside the till, as in most fat food emporiums, was a cake display. It had the usual, danish swirls, choc-chip muffins, glazed doughnuts, nothing that looked particularly appetising. Along the edges of each shelf were little slogan type things designed to sell. Fair enough, I am aware that is their purpose, but the one that really got me was . . . ."C'mon, one won't hurt!" That, I thought, was completely and untterly irresponsible.

Firstly, they are promoting themselves as a healthier option, therefore should not be having cakes at the till. The fact that they are aiming themselves at total fatties that wish to shead the pounds, means they are aiming at people who are significantly weakened when it comes to food. They are aiming at people who do not necessarily have control. They are aiming at people who are more than likely to pick up a bloody doughnut at the counter. So to put, "C'mon, one won't hurt!" is appualing. They are doing the larger side of the public a disservice. One will hurt if it's every day! They have a 'healthy' sub menu, and reduced cost sandwiches everyday, so yes, people who are so weak to believe their promises will eat there. Will go and grab their lunch there. And will, inevitably, believe the, "One won't hurt phrase." Not good.

Maybe I am going a little OTT, but its all so unneccessary. There is a reason western civilisation is becoming obese. Life is all about convenince but as well all about having what 'you deserve'. In other words, whatever the hell you like. Unfortunately, that is not really an option if you wish to stay healthy. Everything in moderation with a good dollop of exercise thrown in. That is the answer.

Another example of marketing targeting the vulnerable is with baby products. Several ladies at work either are, or have recently been pregnant. Kate in particlar was telling me about her baby shopping. Now, unfortunately, Kate does not make millions. However, advertisers seem to think to have a baby you need to. She went to buy a matress for her new cot, however, as each mattress increased in price, it displayed even more options and extras to help with the comfort of your new baby. Now obviously, you want to do the best by your bouncing bundle of joy, you don't want to become paranoid with a 'bad mum' complex. So when buying a mattress which are you going to buy? The cheap one which is guaranteed to kill your child, or the one the price of a small country that will help it sleep, will insure it never cries, will make it clever and athletic, will make it popular and modest, the one that 'good' parents buy?! OK, slight exaggerations, but not by far! This is how marketers and advertisers make young mums feel.

I am aware that it is all about making money and money makes the world go round blah blah blah. Personally I think they are making a living by attacking the vulnerable and weak. Shame on them. Shame on them all.

Lies, Regimes and Ranting.

well, back at work tomorrow after a wonderful christmas and new year! Strangely I didn't eat too much over the festive period, my weight has gone down a little since I finished school on the 21st!! My festive miracle!! The photo is of me and Steve wombling about in the rain at Stirling Castle on New Years Eve with the lovely Lynne and Pete (photo courtesy of the wonderful Miss Lynne Osgathorpe).

No, tomorrow signals that start of the hard work I think. My biggest issue when I am in work is that I don't usually eat until I leave work. I know this sounds ludicrous and lots of people don't understand it, but I have never been one to eat breakfast. With my own drive, motivation, desire to do my job to the best of my ability and lets face it, stupidity, I rarely have lunch either. I often find I don't have time. I am no good at 'eating on the run', I like to sit and enjoy my food. Also, as I adore food so much, I don't often relish packed lunches. I certainly do not relish the idea of school dinners (I have actually seen, with my own eyes, chicken served with a cornflake crust!! And it's usually cold!!). So I basically wouldn't eat until I go home. Some days I didn't even notice that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything until 6.30 or later.

Lets face it, this is completely unhealthy. I believe my body was storing fat to compensate for the 'when the bloody hell are you going to feed me?' question it was constantly asking. And just as the special K adverts say, people with regular eating patterns tend to be healthier. So the hard task will be to force myself to have breakfast, even harder to force myself to actually sit down for ten minutes at lunch.

I'm not really inspired by our staff room either, which doesn't help. I don't like to eat at my desk - it's that full of crap I fear I might lose more tupperware (the cupboard elves manage to steal enough of it!). But no one really goes into the staffroom. It's not a close staff really, well not in the juniors. There are cliques and individuals. I like to see myself as an individual but that does mean you spend quite a lot of time on your own. Not to bother though, I don't have the most amount of time to socialise at school - I'm not complainning, I make my own bed etc etc.

Anyway, I'm waffling - so, it's basically learning to force feed myself during the day. This will probably boost my calorie count, but it will undoubtedly actually help me maintain a healthier lifestyle and a more balanced body weight. It will also stop me binging on my way home and stuffing myself when I get in. I have been known to eat two chocolate bars and a bag of crisps on my 20 minute drive home, then come in and eat half a block of cheese (with chutney), or slices of toast, biscuits, anything I could get my hands on. Then an hour later cook tea. Its a disgusting habit. I hate myself when I binge. But it happens. more often than it should though. I binge because I'm sad, or stressed, or hating my job, or hating myself, or feeling alone. Pretty much any negative feeling I comfort with food, but lots of it.

Earlier last year, Steve was away for a few weeks (China fo 3 with work, then shortly after Vegas in preparation for his new career as poker god!). Many nights I binged. But in my head it was 'ok' because a) I was going to the gym, and b) no one could see me. If no one could see me then it wasn't really happening. An example binge would be - M&S prawn cocktail (whole tub), a ready meal for two (e.g. moussaka or lasagna), garlic bread, an entire cheesecake (ok not in one go, but certainly in one day), and a whole jar of nutella (small one eaten with a spoon!). This was an evening. OK not every evening but it still happened.

I would also look forward to half terms as one day out of the week I would order a whole dominoes pizza and all its extras for my lunch. I am a disgusting pig. I haven't done it in a while, probably because Steve works from home now. He doesn't know any of this yet, so we will see if he is reading my blog!! Heehee! I'm being honest about it now because I need to be. But also because I know other people have done it too. A very good friend of mine was known to eat half a loaf of bread in one sitting even though alergic to it (I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this, it's not as if its happened for a long while - i love you!!). But through listening to others I realised its not just me, other people are also going through hell related to food!

The press and tv etc has so much to blame for this. And possibly parents to some extent (everyone is slightly screwed up from childhood - lets be honest!). We all know we are in a culture where body image and foodhabits are at the forefront, particularly for women. Regardless of how many times a sensible, intelligent woman says, "Oh I don't take notice of that stuff, it's all rubbish, I know better," she still cares. It still affects her. Some people's aim is to make their stomach concave due to this. Other women lose confidence and dislike themselves because of this. Some women use food as a comfort because they don't have the confidence to believe they are worthy if they don't look like what society deems is acceptable. This may sound a little extreme but its true to some extent with the vast majority of Britain's women (and men, let's not forget our better half of society . . . . ahem.). Lilly Allen is a perfect example of todays culture. A gorgeous girl with fantastic curves and confidence, we all thought. "Screw them!", she wasn't going to be another clone, another stick. And look whats happened to her. Fame, fortune and the culture got to her. She lost weight, and yeah she looks good, yeah she's probably healthier and yeah she probably feels better. But something of a spark has gone from her. Some of her life and confidence. Ok, it's better than her trying to overdose, but I was so inspired by her two fingers up to the skinnies. Never mind.

Anyway, I'm not aiming for skinny. I'm aiming for happy!

Wishing myself good luck with the new regime tomorrow - will let you know how it goes.

Today's calorie count: 1200

Today's exercise: 1 mile march around Brookvale park.

Hope you're all well!

Nx