Back from the dead and back on the wagon.

Serious apologies for no blogs for the last couple of weeks, this has been for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I've been, and still am, poorly sick. Had to take a couple of days off work last week as I wasnt functionning at all. Stayed in bed the monday, went home early on the tuesday, had to have a lie down in the staffroom for an hour on wednesday, and after breaking down crying on various members of staff in various corners of the school on thursday, I decided I needed to stay in bed on Friday! I am feeling a little better, but having put myself so far behind with work, think I have done a little too much, too soon. Now shattered again!

Thats why I am now lying in bed, once more reflecting on life.

I realised, as well as being told by steve, that my blog had lost its point. As much as I enjoy waffling crap about all aspects of love and life, I realised it had lost its essence. As had I. I have been feeling sapped (partly because of this virus) but of the goal I was striving towards. I had stopped thinking about food. Deliberately? I think so. Half term was my break, but I didn't go back. I started slipping. I stopped using my book, I stopped thinking about what was going into my food and my body, I stopped walking.

I knew I had to reboot myself - I could feel my emotions becoming irrational agian, feel my life spirit slowly ebbing away again. NO! This is NOT going to happen! So at weekend I remounted the scales - my weight has stayed constant for 2 weeks!!!! With not eating particularly well as all I want to eat is crap when I am ill, and with slobbing about I have somehow managed to stay the same weight. This is a first! So something must be working. I must be controlling my food and calories more than I realised. OK I haven't lost anymore weight in a few weeks, but at least I now know I can maintain a weight.

So, here we go again - back to thinking about food, and enjoying what I love. Not fixating on it to the point where it stresses me, but losing that extra stone! I was going to go for a walk this eveing while steve watched the football, but I feel the muscles in my face falling apart - if you do not know me, do not be alarmed! When I am ill or exhausted I am unable to control the muscles in my face, and everything literally drops, at the moment I can't really open my right eye for very long. So I decided to come to bed, quickly write this and have an early night - determined not to kill myself. Besides, friends of ours are getting married at the weekend and I want to be well enough to look fabulous and thinner in my pretty green dress!! So vain!

So todays weight is 12 stone 3 - bearing in mind this is the evening, it bodes well for the morning! I haven't calculated calories in a long time, I start this again tomorrow, it makes me stricter with my food - I actually care! The fact that I stopped writing everything down meant I stopped thinking. I often think I do such things like this because I am execting to fail. Its almost as if I plan to fail before I accidentally fail - so I am in control. I don't know if that makes sense? Its almost like a self preservation thing, a self destruct button.

Anyhoo, this evenings dinner was lovely - and back to good old healthy stuff. Firstly a morccan veg couscous. Onion, garlic, pepper, grated carrot, mushrooms and greens, cooked down with a splash of cider vinegar, salt, pepper, splash of lemon juice, moroccan spice (some jar we picked up) and some water. This was cooked until tender then removing the lid, allowed to evaporate. I just use Tesco cous-cous packets and the moroccan one is particularly good. I cooked this separately then added to the veg just before serving so that it didnt go too soggy and gloopy - there is nothing worse than gloopy cous-cous!
On top of this a had a tuna steak. Having splashed it with lime juice and soy sauce, then srinkled with black pepper and chili before making the cous-cous, I flash fried it in a dry pan, similar to how you would cook steak. Ok, I left it for a little bit too long, but my it was goooooooooooooooood!

Hope I feel better in the morning, and wake up with a sense of maintenance. This is proving quite hard to keep up, just because my motivation and will power are both quite weak. It takes very little to knock it. Most of my positive emotions take very little to knock. I don't know why. I think its pathetic that I need so much encouragement and assurance from people throughout my life, in various aspects. I wish I was a stronger person in my own mind. for a little while I was, and it was the food that was doing it.

I just have to get reaquainted with a very good friend.

Hope you are all well. and hope someone is still reading.

Nx