Back from the dead and back on the wagon.

Serious apologies for no blogs for the last couple of weeks, this has been for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I've been, and still am, poorly sick. Had to take a couple of days off work last week as I wasnt functionning at all. Stayed in bed the monday, went home early on the tuesday, had to have a lie down in the staffroom for an hour on wednesday, and after breaking down crying on various members of staff in various corners of the school on thursday, I decided I needed to stay in bed on Friday! I am feeling a little better, but having put myself so far behind with work, think I have done a little too much, too soon. Now shattered again!

Thats why I am now lying in bed, once more reflecting on life.

I realised, as well as being told by steve, that my blog had lost its point. As much as I enjoy waffling crap about all aspects of love and life, I realised it had lost its essence. As had I. I have been feeling sapped (partly because of this virus) but of the goal I was striving towards. I had stopped thinking about food. Deliberately? I think so. Half term was my break, but I didn't go back. I started slipping. I stopped using my book, I stopped thinking about what was going into my food and my body, I stopped walking.

I knew I had to reboot myself - I could feel my emotions becoming irrational agian, feel my life spirit slowly ebbing away again. NO! This is NOT going to happen! So at weekend I remounted the scales - my weight has stayed constant for 2 weeks!!!! With not eating particularly well as all I want to eat is crap when I am ill, and with slobbing about I have somehow managed to stay the same weight. This is a first! So something must be working. I must be controlling my food and calories more than I realised. OK I haven't lost anymore weight in a few weeks, but at least I now know I can maintain a weight.

So, here we go again - back to thinking about food, and enjoying what I love. Not fixating on it to the point where it stresses me, but losing that extra stone! I was going to go for a walk this eveing while steve watched the football, but I feel the muscles in my face falling apart - if you do not know me, do not be alarmed! When I am ill or exhausted I am unable to control the muscles in my face, and everything literally drops, at the moment I can't really open my right eye for very long. So I decided to come to bed, quickly write this and have an early night - determined not to kill myself. Besides, friends of ours are getting married at the weekend and I want to be well enough to look fabulous and thinner in my pretty green dress!! So vain!

So todays weight is 12 stone 3 - bearing in mind this is the evening, it bodes well for the morning! I haven't calculated calories in a long time, I start this again tomorrow, it makes me stricter with my food - I actually care! The fact that I stopped writing everything down meant I stopped thinking. I often think I do such things like this because I am execting to fail. Its almost as if I plan to fail before I accidentally fail - so I am in control. I don't know if that makes sense? Its almost like a self preservation thing, a self destruct button.

Anyhoo, this evenings dinner was lovely - and back to good old healthy stuff. Firstly a morccan veg couscous. Onion, garlic, pepper, grated carrot, mushrooms and greens, cooked down with a splash of cider vinegar, salt, pepper, splash of lemon juice, moroccan spice (some jar we picked up) and some water. This was cooked until tender then removing the lid, allowed to evaporate. I just use Tesco cous-cous packets and the moroccan one is particularly good. I cooked this separately then added to the veg just before serving so that it didnt go too soggy and gloopy - there is nothing worse than gloopy cous-cous!
On top of this a had a tuna steak. Having splashed it with lime juice and soy sauce, then srinkled with black pepper and chili before making the cous-cous, I flash fried it in a dry pan, similar to how you would cook steak. Ok, I left it for a little bit too long, but my it was goooooooooooooooood!

Hope I feel better in the morning, and wake up with a sense of maintenance. This is proving quite hard to keep up, just because my motivation and will power are both quite weak. It takes very little to knock it. Most of my positive emotions take very little to knock. I don't know why. I think its pathetic that I need so much encouragement and assurance from people throughout my life, in various aspects. I wish I was a stronger person in my own mind. for a little while I was, and it was the food that was doing it.

I just have to get reaquainted with a very good friend.

Hope you are all well. and hope someone is still reading.

Nx

Not a Friend of Dorothy, But Thinner!

Aarggh.

I would like to cry, but I am too confused!! On Thursday night when I went for my me-time, I wandered into Brantano Shoes. I found some gorgeous red clarkes shoes with 40% off!! woo hoo! my internal monologue screamed! I walked down to clarks just to check.

They were indeed clarks shoes, but had not come into clarks shops yet, they were a new range that Brantano can get early. So I toddled back, tried them on and strutted about the shop. Wonderful! Red shoes, a vintage syle, clarks and 40% off. I all but ran to the counter. I had my dorothy shoes.

So, Friday morning I wanted to wear them with my red and black ensemble. Left foot in! Right foot . . . . . . wouldn't go. I could not get the right shoe on. I was very confused. I checked the lable, still size 8. The shoes never left my sight in the shop - they were still the shoes I bought. I forced my foot in and realised I couldn't walk in them without ripping my ankle to shreds. I was very upset. Thing is, I know feet swell, but surely they are fatter at night, not in the morning? Surely, the shoes should have fit better in the morning?!!

They still wouldn't fit last night. I am sulking slightly. The answer? I am going to wrap a potatoe, shove it down the toe and leave on the radiator. Hopefully it will stretch slightly and my fat feet will get to fit into my beautiful new shoes!

Anyway, updates for 2nd Feb:-

Chest: - 36" or aprox. 92cm
Waist:- 31" or aprox. 79cm
Hips:- 39" or aprox. 99cm
weight:- 12 stone 5lbs
Height:- 5' 8"

This is quite a change now from the first week - I was expecting a bigger difference to be honest this week, or at least hoping. But it goes to show that watching your calorie intake and adding some light exercise into your day, really really does work!

So since the beginning, I have lost 2 inches on my chest, 3 inches on my waist, 3 inches on my hips and lost 10lbs!!!!!! The last bit makes me feel fabulous!

Right, I am off to fix those bloody shoes!

Nx

Updated Statistics

Well, this is the 3rd Saturday of my project, so thought I would have an update and a re-measure. It is working!!!!! There is a change already - which is the most refreshing thing. There never seems any point to continuing if you don't notice a change - I have noticed a change not only in my body, but in myself. I am much happier in general, much more confident and I have more energy. Its fabulous! So here are the previous statistics and todays measurements . . . .

Vital Statistics 5/1/08

Chest = 38" or aprox. 97cm

Waist = 34" or aprox. 86cm

Hips = 42" 0r aprox 107cm

Height = 5' 8"

Weight = 13 stone 1 lb

Vital Statistics 19/1/08

Chest = 37" or aprox 94cm

Waist = 32" or aprox 81cm

Hips = 41" or aprox 10cm

Height = 5'8"

Weight = 12 stone 10 lb

Woo! Yeah! Go me!!! Heehee!

If I never needed any encouragement to keep this up, its this change. OK, its not radical, ok its not massive amounts, but its enough to make me keep going, to keep plodding on each day!

Basically, Ive made sure each morning I have a bowl of special K with skimmed milk and a gless of fruit juice. At lunch I have a bowl of soup - currently eating Heinz Big Soups which are surpirsingly good value in the calorie department. I also make sure I have a couple of pieces of fruit during the day and my evening meal which averages between 450 - 650 calories each. I am also making sure I go for a brisk walk each night. Some nights I don't feel too much like it so just do a coupld of laps of our block, but most nights I manage to do at least a mile. Just takes half and hour, I get some fresh air and some exercise. Its nothing really - just do it when theres a programme on you dont want to watch!

At some point in the future I will brave returning to he rowing machine which is currently folded up in our dining room, but for now, the walking will suffice.

I'm really starting to like my life again!

Nx

The Weird and Wonderful World of Weight Loss (a long monologue)

Having watched Dispatches on channel 4 the other night about whats in our food, I got quite interested in some of the weird and wonderful diets out there. Now, I am not advocating any of the following, I certainly am not planning on following any of these! Anyway, I came accross this website; http://choosers.ivillage.co.uk/diet/ which has an A-Z list of "the Good, The Quirky, and The Ugly" diets which are available. Very interesting read actually.

Following research and personal experience I decided write some of these ideas down;

The Scarsdale Diet - I had never heard of this one before, until this week. A colleague is following this diet plan which basically involves eating lean meat, fruit and veg. Ok, you might think. She has lost 8 pounds in less than 2 weeks, this scares me. Surely a sensible amount is 2-3 pounds a week? I dunno. Maybe I just don't have the commitment for such a regime.

Atkins - really? meat and fat? I understand you introduce small amounts of carbs daily, but this is never going to be sustainable, surely?!!

Skinny Bitch Diet - Posh Spice. Need I say more.

The Beverly Hills Diet - all about combinations. You are not allowed to eat meat and carbs together. Not have a roast dinner? Not have chili and chips? Curry and rice? Lasagna? What exactly can you eat on the same plate other than chicken and salad (all very nice in summer, but all the time?!!) No.

The Maple Syrup Diet - I kid you not! This is 'recommended' for 7 days only. And when you read what you are supposed to follow, you can see why. "Replacing normal food for a liquid only diet of water, lemon juice, with maple and palm tree syrup, spiced up with cayenne pepper or ginger." Ooooooo Yummy!! Sign me up for that and a week of squitz! Nice.

The Baby Food Diet - Really?

Now for some alternative, non published diets, some home remedies you might say;

The Gregg Barton Diet - bless Gregg. At university when Gregg decided he had to make himself more beautiful, he developed his own sense of diet. This would consist of his normal meals, be it a half parisian baguette from the Lancaster University Spar Deli, or steak and chips in wetherspoons; but the diet bit came in when ordering, "I'll have the 10oz steak, chips, pepper sauce, onion rings . . . . oh and a large side salad!" That was about it. It was a diet as long as you had a salad on the side; fish and chips with salad - diet; donnner kebab, chili sauce and mayo with salad - diet; lard fried in lard with salad - diet. I mock you Gregg, but I still love you!

The 'Drunken, Uninsured, Moped Driving Idiot' diet - This one is tried and tested. This was the last time I felt truly fabulous about my weight, however less impressed about my lack of car. During my first year teaching in Lancaster, some complete *many expletives deleted*, sozzled out of his brain, rode his scooter flat out down our street at 2 am while I was sleeping soundly. He failed to see the bright red Polo parked beneath a street light with no other vehicles around it. He decided he would like to bounce off my car, shred his scooter and render my mode of transport completely imobile. It was a rght-off. So for the next few weeks while my uncle tried to do something to my car to make it road worthy, I had to walk to work. Anyone who knows Lancaster, this involved walking from the very low down river lune, to the very top of Bowerham hill. Took ages, but my god I felt good!

The Heart-Breaker - not recommened. Basically when a loved one suddenly leaves or dies and you become so consumed with grief that you physially cannot eat. Luckily I have thus far escaped this, food is my friend and it would never leave me.

The Ball-Breaker - once the greiving period for the bugger that dumped you begins to move on, the anger sets in. During this period you are so consumed with hate - and quite frankly too busy cutting up the ex's belongings, ripping out the tummies to their stuffed teddies, and burning their shoes - to even notice you are hungry. Food is less important than sharing your rath with the world!

The Chewing Gum Diet - a new release. Doctors have finally realised that if you are stupid enough to eat 25 -30 sticks of chewing gum a day, you are going to get the squitz. Unpleasant but lots of weight lost.

The "I don't eat 'til Tea Time" Diet - again, tried and tested. Again, not recommended. This is my life style which I am trying to change. Since school I remember not eating breakfast or dinner, I would just have my tea about 7pm. Once I stopped playing sports etc at college, I quickly realised that I actually put on weight. This is because my body would think it was pretty much starving, it didn't know when it was going to ge fed again, so it stored all the bad stuff! Obviously very healthy.

The coke diet (no.1) - The "Supersize Big Mac, supersize fries, extra onion rings . . . . and a diet coke please," diet. Yeah, because those people are intelligent!

The coke diet (no.2) - I am sure advocated by some people out there. Basically involves a 30 a day habit, hanging out in trendy bars with trendy people and doing a line of coke off some skanky toilet. You get thin, but also run the risk of vomiting up a lung.

And then there's my current diet . . . .

The Nat Diet 08 - Become aware of what calories and fat are in food. Eat what I like but in moderation - I am still having curries that I love and a little bit of chocolate. Cook good food and love doing it. Get some exercise - I am walking roughly a mile a night I think.

and most imporantly - enjoy yourself.

Diets should not be a crash thing, it shouldn't be because you simply have to fit into that dress; it should be because you want to make a positive difference to your life, because it makes you happy, because it makes you healthy. It should be sustainable and become the fabric of your relationship with food. A diet is not about losing weight, its about eating right for YOUR body.

Night night,

Nx

Lies, Regimes and Ranting.

well, back at work tomorrow after a wonderful christmas and new year! Strangely I didn't eat too much over the festive period, my weight has gone down a little since I finished school on the 21st!! My festive miracle!! The photo is of me and Steve wombling about in the rain at Stirling Castle on New Years Eve with the lovely Lynne and Pete (photo courtesy of the wonderful Miss Lynne Osgathorpe).

No, tomorrow signals that start of the hard work I think. My biggest issue when I am in work is that I don't usually eat until I leave work. I know this sounds ludicrous and lots of people don't understand it, but I have never been one to eat breakfast. With my own drive, motivation, desire to do my job to the best of my ability and lets face it, stupidity, I rarely have lunch either. I often find I don't have time. I am no good at 'eating on the run', I like to sit and enjoy my food. Also, as I adore food so much, I don't often relish packed lunches. I certainly do not relish the idea of school dinners (I have actually seen, with my own eyes, chicken served with a cornflake crust!! And it's usually cold!!). So I basically wouldn't eat until I go home. Some days I didn't even notice that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything until 6.30 or later.

Lets face it, this is completely unhealthy. I believe my body was storing fat to compensate for the 'when the bloody hell are you going to feed me?' question it was constantly asking. And just as the special K adverts say, people with regular eating patterns tend to be healthier. So the hard task will be to force myself to have breakfast, even harder to force myself to actually sit down for ten minutes at lunch.

I'm not really inspired by our staff room either, which doesn't help. I don't like to eat at my desk - it's that full of crap I fear I might lose more tupperware (the cupboard elves manage to steal enough of it!). But no one really goes into the staffroom. It's not a close staff really, well not in the juniors. There are cliques and individuals. I like to see myself as an individual but that does mean you spend quite a lot of time on your own. Not to bother though, I don't have the most amount of time to socialise at school - I'm not complainning, I make my own bed etc etc.

Anyway, I'm waffling - so, it's basically learning to force feed myself during the day. This will probably boost my calorie count, but it will undoubtedly actually help me maintain a healthier lifestyle and a more balanced body weight. It will also stop me binging on my way home and stuffing myself when I get in. I have been known to eat two chocolate bars and a bag of crisps on my 20 minute drive home, then come in and eat half a block of cheese (with chutney), or slices of toast, biscuits, anything I could get my hands on. Then an hour later cook tea. Its a disgusting habit. I hate myself when I binge. But it happens. more often than it should though. I binge because I'm sad, or stressed, or hating my job, or hating myself, or feeling alone. Pretty much any negative feeling I comfort with food, but lots of it.

Earlier last year, Steve was away for a few weeks (China fo 3 with work, then shortly after Vegas in preparation for his new career as poker god!). Many nights I binged. But in my head it was 'ok' because a) I was going to the gym, and b) no one could see me. If no one could see me then it wasn't really happening. An example binge would be - M&S prawn cocktail (whole tub), a ready meal for two (e.g. moussaka or lasagna), garlic bread, an entire cheesecake (ok not in one go, but certainly in one day), and a whole jar of nutella (small one eaten with a spoon!). This was an evening. OK not every evening but it still happened.

I would also look forward to half terms as one day out of the week I would order a whole dominoes pizza and all its extras for my lunch. I am a disgusting pig. I haven't done it in a while, probably because Steve works from home now. He doesn't know any of this yet, so we will see if he is reading my blog!! Heehee! I'm being honest about it now because I need to be. But also because I know other people have done it too. A very good friend of mine was known to eat half a loaf of bread in one sitting even though alergic to it (I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this, it's not as if its happened for a long while - i love you!!). But through listening to others I realised its not just me, other people are also going through hell related to food!

The press and tv etc has so much to blame for this. And possibly parents to some extent (everyone is slightly screwed up from childhood - lets be honest!). We all know we are in a culture where body image and foodhabits are at the forefront, particularly for women. Regardless of how many times a sensible, intelligent woman says, "Oh I don't take notice of that stuff, it's all rubbish, I know better," she still cares. It still affects her. Some people's aim is to make their stomach concave due to this. Other women lose confidence and dislike themselves because of this. Some women use food as a comfort because they don't have the confidence to believe they are worthy if they don't look like what society deems is acceptable. This may sound a little extreme but its true to some extent with the vast majority of Britain's women (and men, let's not forget our better half of society . . . . ahem.). Lilly Allen is a perfect example of todays culture. A gorgeous girl with fantastic curves and confidence, we all thought. "Screw them!", she wasn't going to be another clone, another stick. And look whats happened to her. Fame, fortune and the culture got to her. She lost weight, and yeah she looks good, yeah she's probably healthier and yeah she probably feels better. But something of a spark has gone from her. Some of her life and confidence. Ok, it's better than her trying to overdose, but I was so inspired by her two fingers up to the skinnies. Never mind.

Anyway, I'm not aiming for skinny. I'm aiming for happy!

Wishing myself good luck with the new regime tomorrow - will let you know how it goes.

Today's calorie count: 1200

Today's exercise: 1 mile march around Brookvale park.

Hope you're all well!

Nx

The Vital Statistics of a Human YO-YO

Definitly a yo-yo! As long as I can remember my weight has gone up and down quite drastically in short periods of time. However, I have been stuck with my weight going up for some considerable time now - One of my teachers at school warned me that one day the chocolate bars would stay on me and I wouldn't be thin anymore. Looks like Miss Wright was right! The years of not taking food seriously is beginning to take serious effect.

The picture of me was taken at some point during the summer and was part of the first set of photos that made me realise what had happened to me. I can't bare, at the moment, to take a more recent photo as I have got bigger even since then. I comfort eat. I felt really down about how much bigger I had got, but instead of stopping eating my brain decided, "I must EAT!! I feel better when I eat! The troubles of life disappear when I eat! You're not fat, just not thin! Built for comfort not for speed!" The latter becoming a sort of mantra. Not a healthy one.

I have spent a long time convincing myself that it doesnt matter what you look like, just how you feel. And I still believe this. It's just that how I feel is total crap most days! Steve said I seemed happy for the first time in ages yesterday, that it must have been my decision to be pro-active instead of completely inactive!

I suppose like any addiction, the first step is acceptace! Well, I have accepted what I need to do, bloodyhell, I'm typing about it for all to see!! This could be percieved as narcassitic (spelt right?!) but this will stop me pretending. Stop me trying to convince myself that miserable and podgy is the way life is meant to be!

Anyway, my vital stats as promised. I remember the days when I was a size 10. Well those days are certianly long gone! I am now aiming to get back to a size 12. My current proportions are:-

Chest = 38" or aprox. 97cm
Waist = 34" or aprox. 86cm
Hips = 42" 0r aprox 107cm
Height = 5' 8"
Weight = 13 stone 1 lb

I have a long way to go. Ideally I would like to lose 2 stone and have set myself a target for each half stone that I lose:-

13.1 = THE BEGINNING

12.8 = Have my hair done properly - coloured, cut etc, instead of a box job and trim. I love having my hair done, it makes me feel so much more confident!

12.1 = Get all dressed up to the nines and go for a posh meal with my lovely boy! I love going to restraunts and will have to hold back from doing this for a while.

11.8 = spend the £150 of clothes vouchers I got for Christmas on a lovely set of new, properly fitting, hopefully sexy, clothes! I am only just fitting into my current clothes but I refuse to buy anything bigger!!!!

11.1 = THE TARGET Go away with Steve somewhere fantastic to celebrate!!!! I will also be having to save some money in order to fulfill my target!!

I don't think this is unrealistic, and I hope I can manage it in a sustainable way. I would hate to get back to 13 stone 5 that I was a couple of weeks ago!

Right I should really do some work. Hope you have a lovely day.

Nx

New to this

Well, a new world has just opened up to me!! Having sat there on many occaisions reading the blogs of my friends, I thought I'd have a stab! I'm not really expecting to get anything like the views they get, but even if one person reads my ramblings then I will be very happy!

This is my blog about my fight with the fat I have gathered over the last few years! Im not grotesque but I am currently at the heaviest I have been throughout my entire life - including my thrid year binge at uni!!

Basically I want this to be an online diary of my attempt to lose 2 stone. In the past when I have attempted this I have given in to my lack of will power. The theory is, that if this is in a public domain, however small, I will have no option but to follow through with this evil plan!! I will be shamed into making damn sure I do it! I have a lovely boy, Steve, who is extremely supportive but as I'm sure many ladies out there will know, when you have piled on more than you imagined you would, your confidnce, will power, self esteem, self motivation and general care for life kinda goes out the window. You end up feeling pretty worthless.

Well I for one am sick of feeling crap. About myself and about the world around me. There are undoubtedly other factors, but with me, and many others, my weight seems to rule my whole being. I am essentialy an ambitious, happy person, but both of those qualities have been solowly ebbing from me over the last 12 months or so. Sadly I have only just realised, poor Steve has had to pu up with me being grumpy and low for far too long.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not aiming for the size zero, nothing like it, a size 12 would be wonderful though. But I hate diet plans. To me theres always someone wanting to make money out of people with low self esteem. Ok Rosemary and weight watchers have their successes, as did Mr Atkins (may he RIP), but I can't stick to nazi like regimes that they expect. Neither do I like the 'Posh' or 'Paris' celebrity diets that bloody magazines publish. To me, have an apricot for breakfast, a spoon of cabbage soup for lunch and a twiglet for tea is not my idea of a good days eating.

Which brings me to my major problem in life. I LOVE food!!!! I like to think of myself as a bit of a cook. There is nothing I love more than cooking a huge meal for all my friends to enjoy. I used to think that if I wasn't a teacher I should do something with food! Well, it turns out I do both. I teach during the day and scoff myself at night! However, my food isnt fat fried, or wrapped in cheese (erm, sometimes not strictly true), I thought it was relatively healthy. Well, my rapidly expanding waist line proves that wrong!

So, Each post will hopefully update my weight and calories, ways and means of losing weight, along with the personal hell I am about to enter into!! However, I intend to eat food I love - not a handful of raisins every 2 days!! I am hopefully going to be able to post recipes and ideas that WORK!!! and if it doesn't, well, theres always plastic surgery!!!!! Joke!

I hope this picks up a few friends on the way and maybe, just maybe help someone else. Time will tell. Might depend on just how boring my writing is!

Tomorrow, after some handy tapemeasure work, I am going to post my vital statistics and bare all the gory details - don't worry, I'm not going to do a Gok and put pictures of me in my scraggy underwear on the internet, no, no, any photos of me on here will be clothed!!

Hope to see you soon,

Nx

P.S You may be wondering about the picture; nutshell - this is possibly the only picture of me from recent months that I am happy with. Ok Im green, I'm the wiked Witch of the West, but i felt good and an ex boyfriend said I looked "Damn Hot" in green!!!