Breathe and Carry On Smiling.

I caved.



Not big time, but I caved.



Last night I went for a walk and ate 1 and a half bournville bars. I just felt so worthless and down. I was mad at myself for letting myself slump, for letting myself think I couldnt do it, that to make myself happy was so hard. Ok, it wasn't exactly a binge, it was only 330 calories!! But thats not the point. I let myself give in. I only didn't eat the other half because I was with Steve and I wanted to look as if I had control. Had Steve not been there I would probably have gone to tescos and bought God knows what.

Anyway, I got up this morning and thought, never mind, today is a different day, smile, breathe and carry on regardless. Did my hair, dressed up smart (new teal belt sucking me in today), touch of makeup; and yet again I managed to make myself feel confident. Today was a great day, apart from telling my maths class off for being completely unable to retain anything from 17hours worth of maths lessons when we had just repeatedly covered he same bloody objectives!!!!!! . . . . . . .. and breathe! I teach set two out of two. Its not good.

When I feel confident about who I am, everything else is boosted. My positive outlook is magnified, even when faced with the question, "Miss, what do I do? I've filled my page but I still have quetions to do?" How I didn't scream, "Turn the bloody page over!!!!" I don't know. You've just got to breathe and carry on.

I was really organised as well today, I have got so much work done. I have managed to do most of my planning for the next three weeks, which is great. I only really have one week left to plan for and then half term!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSS!! all round! Sorry to get over excited there, I just like the idea of being so organised I can look forward to my half term and know I can sit and do bugger all! Nice. I will try to calm down now, breathe and carry on.

Even though the general day was great, the same thing happened when I got home. I suddenly becamse sapped of energy and desire to do anything. Again, I got changed into baggy clothes, cleaned the kitchen and stared into the freezer for quite sometime. You may think this is some kind of new facial treatment to go with my slow image remolding, but no. I could just not work out what to cook. I know there is something wrong when I just stand staring at frozen poultry and sigh. I couldn't shake it, I don't know why.

I am hating this. I just want to have a full day of sheer confidence. A day were I feel nothing can bring me down. Or at least the strength to not let things get me down.

Anyway. Just breathe and carry on.

Nx