Naked Twister in Rio

Trust is a funny old thing. Take Steve; I trust him completely, whole heartedly and without question. When Caroline came to stay with us for a while before Christmas, Steve went out with his old work colleagues. "I'll be home for 7 . . . 8 at the latest," he had assured me. I wasn't particularly bothered when he wasn't home when I went to bed at 1.30am. I knew he was at Kath and Rich's.

He apparently came in about 2, promptly sat on Carloine on the sofa and fell asleep, full length on top of her while watching Pride and Prejudice. Around 5 he woke up and came to bed - I didn't even stir. I joked in the morning that it was a good job I trusted him, not many women would be happy about their other half falling asleep atop another woman!

Tonight he was entering a poker tournament, the winning prize: a trip for two to Rio. The trip however was in term time and while dreaming over his potential winnings said he would take Caroline. This again, I have no issue with, even when he was saying he would like to take her to Rio and play naked twister with her! Steve is not a perve, he likes to say these things to gauge my reactions I think!! It made me giggle, it made Caoline wince a little I think when I told her, mainly as she has had an aversion to twister since childhood! Some bad, naked experience as a teenager? Guess that one had been supressed as deeply as she could!

Anyway, I trust Steve entirely. I trust Caroline with my life. I trust that certain things in life will be as they should. I trust that if you are a good person, good things will happen in your life. I trust that if you love, you will be loved in return. However, I am not very good at trusting myself.

I don't trust my intelligence. This evening I burst into tears while Steve was teaching me a new card game. I didn't grow up playing what I would class as 'intelligent' games, and whenever faced with something that I feel is beyond my intelligence I panic. For some reason card games are part of this - I like snap! I know this may sound daft to people but I do doubt myself on a seemingly hourly basis.

I don't trust myself to buy a box of chocolates and not eat the entire lot in 5 minutes. I don't trust myself to eat sensibly when cooking for one. I don't trust myself to actually take care of my body. I don't trust myself to see through something that is dificult. I don't trust myself to have the motivation to continue with this life change.

But I am learning and I am gradually getting better. My confidence is growing, but any slight draw back will necessitate a total rebuild. I don't know if I have always been like this or if it is something I have developed as an adult. There are so many things that I genuinely believe I can't do. I can't take compliments, I don't do too well with praise - why? I dunno.

Ive started to believe it is all linked to how I feel about my body. The bigger I am the less confidence and trust I have in any part of my life. So this positive change is bound to help, and hopefully, well I think ineviatbly, I will be able to take on anything!

As for Steve's winnings? Well, Rio will have to wait. There might be some room for naked twister though.

Night.

Nx