What a Difference a Day Makes

Interesting day. Yet again woke up feeling well rested and brave! I quite like this new feeling in me, I've never really felt brave before. Ok, with all things considered, choosing a slightly different outfit is hardly brave. Its not exactly climbing Everest or fighting in Iraq or eating a Big Mac; all those things need real, true bravery. But ths is bravery for me.

So, I donned my black trousers (which usually have rolls of muffin top sticking over them), my new (yes I spent money! oops) long black polka dot top over a red vesty thing, and tightened myself up with my new red belt. I felt fantastic!! I marched around school all day with tons of confidence! Within five minutes of walking down a corridor, five people all stopped me to say how lovely I looked. Head swelling and ego fighting back, I could feel my confidence and 'fit body fit mind' ideals shining out of me. One of my colleagues even said she was going to bring me in some shoes to match the outfit as they didn't fit her! Excellent!!

I know this all sounds massively bigheaded but it's such a long time since I felt that good. From side on I thought I looked quite slender and from front on I had a waist!! Although, I did realise I could no longer sit down!! God help all those poor women that wear corsets etc, one small belt was enough for me! Every time I sat down I felt like I had a rod up my back trying to stop the cascade of flab over the belt! This will do wonders for my posture!

Anyway, I left work early today so I could go home and flounce about the house feeling fabulous and spend some time with Steve. However, I don't quite know what happened but this wonderful, addictive feeling I've had all day just seemed to . . . evaporate.

I got out of my new favourite outfit and put on my jeans and big baggy top. Suddenly I was a frump again. Suddenly I felt fat again, suddenly I felt like a complete waste of space. It wasn't the clothes, I could feel I was on my way down anyway. Now its taking all my energy not to go to the mini tesco and buy a hoard of crap to eat. I really really really want to stuff my mouth with something thick and creamy and chocolatey. I want to feel like I did this morning. I just don't know why it changed.

Tea was awful. I had no motivation to cook anything interesting. I did attempt to make a healthy veggie sauce to go with gnocchi and chicken (done on my George). The chicken was lovely, the sauce and gnocchi was somewhere between baby food and the bottom of a compost bin. Not pleasant. So I am now also starving which is not helping with my overwhelming craving to binge. Not sure I am going to be able to stop myself - I just have to try and stay in the house, might not be an idea to go for a walk tonight. Such a weak excuse.

Anyway, calorie count today is around 1200 although I only ate half my tea so count probably closer to 1000. Need something else to eat but have little motivation.

Sorry to be so melancholoy, I am aware there are more important things in life. I just can't believe how shallow I am that an outfit can alter my entire being. This is all a hell of a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Tata for now.

Nx