Food Hangover (and half a stone of waffle)

Well, HOORAY!!!! to me! I hit 12.8 this week. I have lost my first half stone! I have, however, altered my first reward! Instead of having my hair done, I was invited out for a Chinese and drinkies with Cath (not with a K), Rich and a few of their friends. I decided this would be a better alternative - an opportunity to get slightly dressed up and eat duck!!! I am also going to go and see another friends, Ellie in a few weeks and have a 'pampering' weekend. This will mainly involve going to boots and finding some indulgent treats, then putting on a posh dress! In both cases I am far too excited!!

Yesterday all I could think about was chinese food, no matter what I had to do all I could think about was fried rice, noodles and beer! I was marking english books and had to hold back from writing crispy duck pancakes instead of . . . PLEASE START USING FULL STOPS. While teaching table top division, I had to bite my tongue to stop saying prawn crackers! It was a wonderful day, I was aware that I was going to go well over my calorie count, and it made the evening so much more special. The idea that I had 'saved up' so I could have pretty much whatever the hell I wanted, made me feel fantastic.

Yes I ate far too much, yes I had trouble walking afterwards, but my god it was worth it. We went to a place called China Court near the arcadian in Birmingham, and my god it was good. I have to say, I could eat duck pancakes all day every day, I think they are marginally my favourite dish ever! But if you do go, the sizzling steak and the duck with plum sauca is amazing. Also they had a starter which was basically chopped scallops, veg and tiny noodles, eaten in lettuce leaves. It was soooooooooooo yummy!

The draw back of this was on wking this morning. I still felt full, I felt my stomach still had not dropped back to its new, tighter form. Which wasn't made much better by eating vast amounts of popcorn at the cinema this afternoon - went to see Sweeny Todd which is fabulous. I love Johnny Depp anyway, but I thought it was fabulous. Wonderfully dark and gothic in a way only tim burton can deliver. I know some people dispute Johnny's cockney accent, but the fact that he can sing beautifully in that accent was remarkable. I was very impressed and intend on going to see it again when Cie comes to play!

Anyway, even the walk to and from the cinema failed to adjust the heavy feeling I had been carrying around all day. So dinner was thai soup, small prawn based fish cakes (no oil, not even fried) and salad. It was light and refreshing and is starting to make to feel more human. I think I will need to get used to the feeling. If I do go out for dinner, there will be little point having a side salad as it stops it being an occiasion. I think I should go out for food far less, but enjoy it so much more when I do. It makes the idea of food special.

I think this is important. Watching what you eat all day is exhausting. If you can do it for a specific length of time sucessfully, say a month, you should be rewarded with a good meal out - I think it's only fair. Otherwise I think I run the risk of attributing serious lables on food. It will become something I will be unable to do, something that becomes an 'evil'. I wouldn't be able to relax eating out if I didn't treat it as a special thing. I feel like Im waffling now, I know what I mean, I don't think I am saying it too elloquently though. Basically, if you starve yourself completely of something it becomes a fixation. For me, to become fixated on food is dangerous. I have no contol when that fixation takes hold. However, on the flip side, if I think I can't ever go out to eat because of the calorie content, I start losing my love of food. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, tomorrow I plan on having a nice day cooking. I am going to try and make 'nibbles' for the week. I am going to have a go at a couple of nigella recipes, breakfast bars and smoked trout pate. I also want to have a go at making humous. This way I have things I can dip cucumber and carrott in for my lunches this week, and the bars for breakie. I need some variation, yes cereal and soup is undoubedly working for me, but if I continue to eat them week in week out, I will hate them!

Variation is so important, but I do think that comes with a love of food. I can quite confidently have a go at any genre of food (can you use the work genre with food), however, I have never tried Japanese. I recently bought some japanese ingredients and like the way they taste (not so much wasabi) and have found myself dreaming today of making sushi. I can't imagine it's too challenging, so will have a go at some point! That will be another master chef moment!

Hears hoping to feeling less full tomorrow!

Nx

Look at My Man-Bits!! (metaphorically, obviously!)

Tonight, on my way home from school, I stopped into Sainsburys. At the checkout I had three bottles of vinegar, four tubs of Bi-carb, two bags of balloons, carrot sticks with humous, and . . . . A NEW SKIRT!!

Ok, so you may be focusing on the vast amounts of vinegar and Bi-carb - I assure you it is for a science experiment at school, as well as the balloons! We are going to make exploding cannons on Monday! Yey! Very few people can call that work!

Anyway, I am focusing on the new skirt! I promised myself I wasn't going to buy clothes until I had lost a stone and a half, but I was desperate for something pretty. I am so pleased with how the whole weight thing is going, and the lack of binging, that I couldn't resist. That, and the fact that there was 70% off!! Anyway, I wasn't sure what I could possibly wear it with at the moment, or where! But having a play around, tomorrow I am going to be brave! This is what I am going to wear to work tomorrow:

I have never worn a skirt-trouser combo, and my hips feel small enough to pull it off for the first time. I am sure I will have some questionable looks from people, but quite frankly I don't give a stuff! Hey look at that . . . I grew some balls!!

Nx

Homey and Healthy?

I love my homey food. For all the thai, oriental and asian things I throw together, there is nothing more appetising, comforting and warming than something truly homey. I was thinking this today whilst eating my lunch time soup. Homemade soup this week - none of this heinz stuff (sorry heinz . . . . I still love you!). Roasted veg soup went as follows . . .

Roasted Veg Soup

1 sweet potato

3 parsnips

half a butternut squash

1 red onion

three good pinches of cumin seed

turmeric

smoked paprika

mild chili powder

honey

toasted sesame oil

2 pints chicken stock

1. Put chopped sweet potato and parsnips in one tin. sprinkle over the cumin seeds and a good sprinkling of turmeric - quite a thick layer.

2. Over the potatoe and parsnips squeeze a thin layer of honey.

3. In another tin put the chopped butternut squash and red onion. Sprinkle over a good layer of mild chili powder and smoked paprika, as well as a dribble of sesme oil.

4. Roast veg at the top of a very hot oven until edges of the veg start browning.

5. In a heavy sauce pan, boil the two pints of water, adding two chicken stock cubes.

6. when the veg is cooked, add everything to the stock. Use a couple of table spoons of stock in each backing tin to remove any veg and juices that may have stuck. Return this to the pan.

7. Simmer for a few minutes then use a hand blender to blitz.

8. Salt and pepper to taste.

Lovely, warming and homey.

I haven't done the calorie count for this soup, its obviously not the lowest with the oil and honey, but my god it tastes good. It serves about 6 portions and is all I need to see me through from lunch until tea time.

As for my tea . . . I got my teriyaki!! Ok it wasn't chicken, it wasn't as beautifully constructed, but I enjoyed it. Tonight I marinaded salmon fillets in the teriyaki, garlic and a little mirin (Japanese sweet vinegary thing - much lighter than rice vinegar but add a good sticky coat). With potatoes chopped up small (so it looks like you've got more!) roasted in the oven, crunchy carrots and green beans, and a healthier version of my favourite cabbage dish - it was just what the doctor ordered! Again, quite homey but with a twist - posh fish and chips!

However, if I could have my way, this is how I love to cook cabbage:- Cook down with butter and nutmeg; add some scaps of crispy bacon, maybe some pine nuts of bits of walnuts; a splodge of cream or creme fraiche and voila!! I love it! But not particularly healthy. Maybe I will save up my calorie count for this!! Heehee!

Nx

No Use Crying Over Spilt Teriyaki

Yet again I was playing master chef. Steve was not feeling too good so I thought I would try and cheer him up with, in my mind, what I do best; food. I decided to make an onion based cous-cous, stir fried veg (done in toasted sesame oil), and strips of Teriyaki chicken (done on the George). The big plates came out, I successfully moulded the couscous into a master chef style mounds, the veg was tastefully displayed at the foot of each couscous tower, and the strips of teriyaki chicken were constructed into a tee-pee over the couscous! Very impressive I thought. I smelt good, it looked . . . interesting, I was actually quite excited about my tea!

Not quite so masterchef-like was our then laziness in having tea in bed!! Yes, this may seem disgustingly slobbish, but sometimes its necessary. However, Snoopy had another idea. I love my snoopy slippers, but I forget I can't actually walk in them. I scaled the stairs, a lovingly designed dinner in either hand, just one more step to go when Snoopy raised his evil head! As in slow motion I watched the plates fly through the air, I watched the waterfall of beansprouts and poultry pause momentarily mid flight, as I crumpled down onto my knee and elbow (on the edge of a step) There was CRACK! that echoed the break in my heart!

I must have sat staring at the mountainous mess and broken ceramics on the floor and wall for a good couple of minutes. I couldn't believe it. Steve stood looking on apologetically as if he had been the one who told snoopy to play such a wicked trick. And then I started to cry. There has been so much going on in my head of late it was as if, all of a sudden, the licks of brown juice on my skirting board were just the final blow. Whilst trying to pick out the grains of couscous in my carpet, I sobbed, thinking, "Is this a metaphor for our dreams?" (Ok, just so you don't think I'm totally melodramatic; various dreams of people have recently been quashed or come into serious question, including mine). Was this beautiful, now inedible, pile of mulch the proof that had been looming for so long. Was this dinner disaster telling me that dreams are not supposed to be fulfilled? Just as I was destined never to eat my chicken terriyaki?

Sobbing still, picking myself up on my scuffed knee and bruised elbow, I carried the matted hair, floor nast and (probably) toe nail flavoured coucous back down the stairs in a mournful procession. As I poured the remains into my compost pot, Steve came and wrapped his arms around me. He gently wiped away the running mascara on my cheek and gave me a kiss. This made me see the coucous mess in another way. Maybe it wasn't a metaphor that dreams cannot be reached at all. Maybe I had misread it. Maybe it meant our dreams could be reached if we are desperate enough - If we can put up with the crap that comes with reaching the goal, If we can eat the chicken along with the carpet fluff and meters of hair? Dreams should be hard to reach, and sometimes unpleasant on the way. It makes the satisfaction of reaching them all the better.

Starving still, out came the prawns and another sachet of coucous (I like it!). Cooked off the onions again, added some veg and garilc and left my couscous to cook. As I piri-piried my prawns I started thinking differently again. Maybe not ALL dreams are achieveable but it doesn't mean you shouldn't have them. Just change your ambitions, change your dreams. Change to piri-piri prawns! Ok, they may not be what you originally wanted, they may not seem as appealing, but my god, when you reach them you feel better then ever.

For now, I will just have to dream of my chicken teriyaki . . . . as I need to buy more chicken!

Nx

Naked Twister in Rio

Trust is a funny old thing. Take Steve; I trust him completely, whole heartedly and without question. When Caroline came to stay with us for a while before Christmas, Steve went out with his old work colleagues. "I'll be home for 7 . . . 8 at the latest," he had assured me. I wasn't particularly bothered when he wasn't home when I went to bed at 1.30am. I knew he was at Kath and Rich's.

He apparently came in about 2, promptly sat on Carloine on the sofa and fell asleep, full length on top of her while watching Pride and Prejudice. Around 5 he woke up and came to bed - I didn't even stir. I joked in the morning that it was a good job I trusted him, not many women would be happy about their other half falling asleep atop another woman!

Tonight he was entering a poker tournament, the winning prize: a trip for two to Rio. The trip however was in term time and while dreaming over his potential winnings said he would take Caroline. This again, I have no issue with, even when he was saying he would like to take her to Rio and play naked twister with her! Steve is not a perve, he likes to say these things to gauge my reactions I think!! It made me giggle, it made Caoline wince a little I think when I told her, mainly as she has had an aversion to twister since childhood! Some bad, naked experience as a teenager? Guess that one had been supressed as deeply as she could!

Anyway, I trust Steve entirely. I trust Caroline with my life. I trust that certain things in life will be as they should. I trust that if you are a good person, good things will happen in your life. I trust that if you love, you will be loved in return. However, I am not very good at trusting myself.

I don't trust my intelligence. This evening I burst into tears while Steve was teaching me a new card game. I didn't grow up playing what I would class as 'intelligent' games, and whenever faced with something that I feel is beyond my intelligence I panic. For some reason card games are part of this - I like snap! I know this may sound daft to people but I do doubt myself on a seemingly hourly basis.

I don't trust myself to buy a box of chocolates and not eat the entire lot in 5 minutes. I don't trust myself to eat sensibly when cooking for one. I don't trust myself to actually take care of my body. I don't trust myself to see through something that is dificult. I don't trust myself to have the motivation to continue with this life change.

But I am learning and I am gradually getting better. My confidence is growing, but any slight draw back will necessitate a total rebuild. I don't know if I have always been like this or if it is something I have developed as an adult. There are so many things that I genuinely believe I can't do. I can't take compliments, I don't do too well with praise - why? I dunno.

Ive started to believe it is all linked to how I feel about my body. The bigger I am the less confidence and trust I have in any part of my life. So this positive change is bound to help, and hopefully, well I think ineviatbly, I will be able to take on anything!

As for Steve's winnings? Well, Rio will have to wait. There might be some room for naked twister though.

Night.

Nx

Lazy Chinese

Its amazing what you can russel up with seemingly nothing! We were meant to go to my beloved Tesco today, but as we were both being lazy, we didnt quite make it!

Anyway, I had a rummage around and created quite a nice dish, so I thought I would share it with you. All the ingredients were the last portions of things I had in the freezer, fridge, cupboard etc.

Chinesey Beef Stir Fry (serves 2)

1 packet of lean stir fry beef

3 tbspn soy sauce

1 tbspn red wine vinegar

1 tbspn honey

1tbspn hot water

lots of grated ginger - proably about a thumb's length

2 garlic cloves grated

dried chili

1 small red onion

4 shallots

3 chunks frozen spinach

hand full of frozen peas

1 small pak choi

100g uncooked rice

1. make a marinade with the soy sauce, vinegar, honey, water, ginger, garlic and chilli.

2. Stir the beef strips into the marinade and set aside.

3. Cook rice and chop veg.

4. Heat a teeny bit of oil in a wok and cook onion and shallots well.

5. Keep pan as hot as possible and throw in the beef strips and all the marinade.

6. After about 3 minutes, add the spinach, pak choi and peas.

7. Cook for 3 - 5 mins then serve with rice.

I really enjoyed it, might actually make that when I do have food. pray I go shopping tomorrow or I think we will be eating 'stock' soup for a week!! heehee!

Take care,

Nx

Updated Statistics

Well, this is the 3rd Saturday of my project, so thought I would have an update and a re-measure. It is working!!!!! There is a change already - which is the most refreshing thing. There never seems any point to continuing if you don't notice a change - I have noticed a change not only in my body, but in myself. I am much happier in general, much more confident and I have more energy. Its fabulous! So here are the previous statistics and todays measurements . . . .

Vital Statistics 5/1/08

Chest = 38" or aprox. 97cm

Waist = 34" or aprox. 86cm

Hips = 42" 0r aprox 107cm

Height = 5' 8"

Weight = 13 stone 1 lb

Vital Statistics 19/1/08

Chest = 37" or aprox 94cm

Waist = 32" or aprox 81cm

Hips = 41" or aprox 10cm

Height = 5'8"

Weight = 12 stone 10 lb

Woo! Yeah! Go me!!! Heehee!

If I never needed any encouragement to keep this up, its this change. OK, its not radical, ok its not massive amounts, but its enough to make me keep going, to keep plodding on each day!

Basically, Ive made sure each morning I have a bowl of special K with skimmed milk and a gless of fruit juice. At lunch I have a bowl of soup - currently eating Heinz Big Soups which are surpirsingly good value in the calorie department. I also make sure I have a couple of pieces of fruit during the day and my evening meal which averages between 450 - 650 calories each. I am also making sure I go for a brisk walk each night. Some nights I don't feel too much like it so just do a coupld of laps of our block, but most nights I manage to do at least a mile. Just takes half and hour, I get some fresh air and some exercise. Its nothing really - just do it when theres a programme on you dont want to watch!

At some point in the future I will brave returning to he rowing machine which is currently folded up in our dining room, but for now, the walking will suffice.

I'm really starting to like my life again!

Nx