Tuesday, 15 April 2008

slipping away.

Despite hitting a real low patch my weight is stagnating. Im not getting any bigger, just staying at 12.1 which is ok. but not great. not binging though is becoming difficult.

however, Ive not felt like writing for ages - as you can tell. to be honest, its the last thing I want to do at the moment. only just managing not to let the feeling complete uselessness overtake. all my energy is sapped and i cant recoup it. Feel like the edge is looming . . .

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Why am I soooooooo crap??

Hey. I am here! I havent stayed in Italy! I am jus crap.

I dont get whats up with me at the moment. I love writing thins thing, Im just exhausted. I was going to write a piece on italian food and the geneal holiday (including food poisoning - not happy about that one) as well as other bits and bobs about my weight loss etc, and I just don't feel I have the energy at all.

As steve is currently cooking, thought I would just write something incase people thought I had stopped altogether! Put a couple of pounds back on (again) over the hols, but getting back into the routine. Following last week when I thought I was losing my mind completely, have been a lot calmer and happier - oooooooooo steve just brought me a glass of wine! Well trainned! - anyway. Yeah, last week, was completely worn and honestly thought I was losing the plot, thought I was about to plummet off the edge of some invivisble cliff. But after some TLC from my lovely boy Im feeling 100% better. Am now back at school though and have Erika living with us - long story - so am shattered again.

I promise I will sleep well tonight and get round to writing something food orientated tomorrow. Maybe a break down of steve culinary delights!!

Hope you're well.


Sunday, 23 March 2008

Click to Claireabell

I am so very proud of my old friend Claire. She has decided to embark upon a similar journey to myself and start her very own blog - have a read.


As you all know, support is incredibly important, and strangely a Blog is starngely supportive. Just by knowing other people could be reading it almost forces you to continue. Claire I wish you luck and just want to let you know that yes, it may be bloody hard, but you will very soon start feeling fabulous! Confidence is key and I look forward to reading your blog and seeing this confidence and happpiness bloom! Good for you Girl!

A VERY Good Friday!

Happy Easter to one and all!

I do have to apologise for the infrequency of my blogging of late, not much excuse really, just been busy and sleepy! But I have indeed been happy!

Now, Good Friday is usually poorly named, as legend has it, this be the day on which the son of God was callously murdered by the Romans - if you were to believe the legend (used loosely). So, for that poor individual, not so much of a Good Friday.

Previously, on Good Fridays I used to work at Rivington Barn. For anyone who knows it, its a function hall and on Good Friday we would open up as a cafe. As many many people from the area walk up Rivington Pike on Good Friday, we would be ridiculously busy. I disliked Good Friday because I would run round like an idiot, get sweaty and smell of kitchen grease, while friends were out having fun and drinking. Not such a Good Friday (Ok, I did get paid for it so I suppose it was mildly more amusing than getting crucified).

This Friday was not shaping up to be a particularly Good Friday either, more like a very Average Friday. I had been out drinking on Thursday night and left my car at Erika's. So my plans involved retreiving my car, buying food from Tesco (which would be horrendously busy and I would be likely to mame someone with a trolly - Steve does not allow me to push trollies), then cleaning the house, washing clothes and generally being busy in the household way, getting ready to go on Holiday - not what I saw as entertainning or 'Good'. The first day of my Easter break was going to be a Busy Friday.

However, as I woke, the winds appeared to have changed. I stepped onto the scales to register a disbeliving 11stone 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!! Now ok, it has taken some time to lose the last few pounds, but my god it felt good! I say disbeliving as the previous night I had sunk several pints of cider, a large portion of fish and chips at the pub (everyone should have fish and chips at the Station in Sutton at some point in their lives!) and then on returning home I ate two slices of goats cheese and the remainning slice of goats cheese tart I made a couple of nights earlier! And then there was the chocolate I had consumed through the day - not a light Thursday! By all accounts I should have been several pounds heavier!

So, the day started well, I was under 12 stone! This changed everything!!!! I decided on my way to collect my car I would go and spend a few of my Christmas vouchers. Now I know, I know, I know, I am not supposed to be spending them yet, but I wanted some new underwear so why the hell not. I decided I would get measured as my boobs have shrunk over the last few months! I am now a 34 DD! This is amasing!!!!!!! I was a 36/38 for such a long time, so to have someone officially say to me I was 34 was wonderful! I managed to spend £75 of my vouchers on lots of new underwear so I can chuck the old stuff out. I feel so much more confident with pretty knickers!

Bouncing along the street, I was collecting my car via The Station and the soft drinks Erika and I were going to have. Just the one, just to catch up from the previous night and waste half an hour. By the time I had reached the bottom of my pint of larger (following the coke) I knew my car was staying put! Erika and I decided to stay, drink and generally put the world to rights! It was soooooooooooooooooooooo much fun!! I love impromptu drinking sessions! Abandonned was the shopping, abandonned was the cleaning, abandonned was my steve - bless him. Apparently he already knew how I was going to spend my day! Steak sandwiches were devoured and an (un)healthy amount of larger was consumed, many giggles were had and stupidity laid bare!

So, for once the day lived up to its legendary name, Good Friday was indeed Good. I had registered weight below 12 stone, I was measured at 34", I got drunk and silly instead of being responsible and mature! Lets call it a Bloody Brilliant Friday shall we?!

Have a Happy Easter! Will be back next week after filling myself in Rome! Heehee!! Ciao for now!


Tuesday, 18 March 2008

To a few friends, old and new.

A little note:

To Claire (long time no see). Thank you for all your encouraging words. It is so lovely to hear from you and to know you are reading this. Its also lovely to know I am not alone in any of this. If nothing else comes out of this but a little inspiration for others, then I am happy. I hope you are happy and, ok, you are ill but well done for losing the 6lbs!! Will have a dig through my recipes and see what healthy food I have that is 'child-chef-friendly'! If you want to share experiences or just want a little moral support, I am here. Its not as difficult when there are shoulders to cry on! But to be honest, its not quite as difficult or scary as I first imagine! Keep in touch darling.

To Cath, Thank you for a brilliant time the other night and showing me what confidence and a love of life looks like. I know its not always that easy but you are an inspiration. Thank you for talking to me about my mutual food madness and making me understand that every woman, in some way, is a little bit tapped (Some more than others!) and that makes us wonderful, fascinating creatures who men should adore without question! (also have nicked the below photo - cheers chick).

To my Cie. Thank you my darling for being you. For supporting me and being there for me without question even though you are going through so much crap. Thank you for promising to move in with us and help me diet and cook properly (mainly by eating Steve's chocolate out of the fridge!). I love you lots for many many reasons, but mostly because you see something good in me and believe in me.

To my darling boy. I love you. I am so unbelievably proud of you for all you are attempting. You have been there for me through some truly crap times and you have made me a stronger, more confident and happier person through it. Thankyou for all the encouragement, love and affection you give; I couldn't achieve half my dreams without you. ***

*** I apologise to anyone who had to run for the sick bucket at this point but I am afraid you may have to face the fact that Steve is actually lovely. I know those who know him may wish to challenge this statement, but its true, I wouldn't be who I am without him!

DISCLAIMER: please do not be offended if you have not been mentioned in this note. It is in no means belittling our friendship, it is not that I do not like you (well, maybe this is true of some of you! heehee! Joke by the way!), neither is it that you have not affected my life in some profound way, its just very late, I have to get up early and I have momentarily misplaced you in my memory. Love to all!


Saturday, 15 March 2008

Liking Saturdays

I think Saturday should be the new Sunday!

I am having a wonderufl morning simply lying in bed watching tacky tv! I haven't seen Corrination Street in years and I have just watched Gail Platt get pushed down the stairs!! At last she gets her cumupence!!

Anyhow, thats slightly off tack. Still not lost any more weight, but also not gainned it again. I am assuming I am now at the weight were I have to make something of an effort - bugger. Me and effort just don't go well together. It could also be that I am allowing myself to eat the little things I like and drink the little things I like without stressing, which in turn means I need to exercise MORE. Oh dear.

Its also not going to help that Steve went to Cadbury's World yesterday with Erika and her class, and brought back not only hundereds of free Cadbury's buttons, but multi packs of flakes, a big bag of mishapes and jelly babies! It also doesn't help that we decided to have a regular 'end of the month' pint on a Friday - yesterday bein the first. The problem when I have one with Erika is that I want more than one. So our end of the month pint (singular) ended up moving to the Station, drinking more than one pint, and having a fish finger sandwich and chips. If this is a regular thing, theres no help!

I am also returning to my favourite pub, The Station, this evening for Cath's little soiree! Very excited about this, alcohol, posh dresses and my favourite pub in one night! Woohoo! But this too does not help. My plan was to try and lose another half stone in time for the Easter holidays, so I could spend my vouchers, somehow not sure this is going to happen! Particularly when you throw in five days in Italy with the wonderful food and wine I am sure to over indulge in a weeks time.

Starting to wonder what the chances are of me keeping the weight off over the next few weeks!! Suppose I will just have to run a marathon or two in the coming days! So, folks beware, If you see me in the next few days, and I am eating something not particularly healthy, please swipe the offending item from my hand and do all in your power to destroy! Force to run, demand pressups in a military style, anything to help me shead a little bit more. Im not a fan of hard work, but I know it will be good for me, I AM determined to get into a size 12 pair of jeans once more, just might take a little longer than planned!


Monday, 10 March 2008

Happiness is . . .

For me, this weekend showed me what happiness truly was . . . This pair! Congatulations to Mr and Mrs Etheridge (and Dr Osgathorpe). The love these two show one another is so wonderful, it was dicciult to hold back the tears when watching them together at any point on Saturday night, it was such an honor to be a part of their day.

I am so unbelievably happy for Lynnie, she means an awful lot to me. In my darkest times, in my drakest days, she was there - ever smiling, bouyant and brilliant. Even though I was still struggling with demons, living with her and steve was one of the happiest years of my life. It was also the last time I was struggling against my weight, and sturggling horribly with stress. Steve and Lynne saw me through it and still remained by my side - thankyou.

It also made me realise this weekend how happy I am at the moment. I was 12 stone exact on Saturday morning (following alcohol and mucho food on Saturday night I am slightly heavier today, but thanks again to Lynne and Pete for a glorious do with amasing food - grilled goats cheese salad, roast beef and lemon torte mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and then cup cakes!!!!!). But my dress fit well - possibly a little big around the hips, but I felt confident strutting my funky stuff on the dance floor. Have not really had an appetite since Saturday night, think I over indulged slightly too much.

It also ,ade me realise how happy I was with Steve. Ok, maybe we are not ready for such a permanent step, but I know I would like to be with him for the rest of my life. He has seen me through an awful lot of crap and has supported me with my efforts to lose weight. Me being happier makes him seem happier and that is a big reason to keep going at this. If I get back to my 'happy' weight, who knows what new doors may open. I believe being happy and confident reveals new opportunities and experiences, I am more open to things and more willing to push myself.

I am happy but I know I can feel happier about myself, not just my situation. So, here I go with that big push to lose that last stone, and maybe get myself a new dress that fits!

(slightly fat face - I'm not too photogenic!)