Despite hitting a real low patch my weight is stagnating. Im not getting any bigger, just staying at 12.1 which is ok. but not great. not binging though is becoming difficult.
however, Ive not felt like writing for ages - as you can tell. to be honest, its the last thing I want to do at the moment. only just managing not to let the feeling complete uselessness overtake. all my energy is sapped and i cant recoup it. Feel like the edge is looming . . .
Tuesday 15 April 2008
Tuesday 8 April 2008
Why am I soooooooo crap??
Hey. I am here! I havent stayed in Italy! I am jus crap.
I dont get whats up with me at the moment. I love writing thins thing, Im just exhausted. I was going to write a piece on italian food and the geneal holiday (including food poisoning - not happy about that one) as well as other bits and bobs about my weight loss etc, and I just don't feel I have the energy at all.
As steve is currently cooking, thought I would just write something incase people thought I had stopped altogether! Put a couple of pounds back on (again) over the hols, but getting back into the routine. Following last week when I thought I was losing my mind completely, have been a lot calmer and happier - oooooooooo steve just brought me a glass of wine! Well trainned! - anyway. Yeah, last week, was completely worn and honestly thought I was losing the plot, thought I was about to plummet off the edge of some invivisble cliff. But after some TLC from my lovely boy Im feeling 100% better. Am now back at school though and have Erika living with us - long story - so am shattered again.
I promise I will sleep well tonight and get round to writing something food orientated tomorrow. Maybe a break down of steve culinary delights!!
Hope you're well.
Nx
I dont get whats up with me at the moment. I love writing thins thing, Im just exhausted. I was going to write a piece on italian food and the geneal holiday (including food poisoning - not happy about that one) as well as other bits and bobs about my weight loss etc, and I just don't feel I have the energy at all.
As steve is currently cooking, thought I would just write something incase people thought I had stopped altogether! Put a couple of pounds back on (again) over the hols, but getting back into the routine. Following last week when I thought I was losing my mind completely, have been a lot calmer and happier - oooooooooo steve just brought me a glass of wine! Well trainned! - anyway. Yeah, last week, was completely worn and honestly thought I was losing the plot, thought I was about to plummet off the edge of some invivisble cliff. But after some TLC from my lovely boy Im feeling 100% better. Am now back at school though and have Erika living with us - long story - so am shattered again.
I promise I will sleep well tonight and get round to writing something food orientated tomorrow. Maybe a break down of steve culinary delights!!
Hope you're well.
Nx
Sunday 23 March 2008
Click to Claireabell
I am so very proud of my old friend Claire. She has decided to embark upon a similar journey to myself and start her very own blog - have a read.
http://20something-claireabell.blogspot.com/
As you all know, support is incredibly important, and strangely a Blog is starngely supportive. Just by knowing other people could be reading it almost forces you to continue. Claire I wish you luck and just want to let you know that yes, it may be bloody hard, but you will very soon start feeling fabulous! Confidence is key and I look forward to reading your blog and seeing this confidence and happpiness bloom! Good for you Girl!
http://20something-claireabell.blogspot.com/
As you all know, support is incredibly important, and strangely a Blog is starngely supportive. Just by knowing other people could be reading it almost forces you to continue. Claire I wish you luck and just want to let you know that yes, it may be bloody hard, but you will very soon start feeling fabulous! Confidence is key and I look forward to reading your blog and seeing this confidence and happpiness bloom! Good for you Girl!
A VERY Good Friday!
Happy Easter to one and all!
I do have to apologise for the infrequency of my blogging of late, not much excuse really, just been busy and sleepy! But I have indeed been happy!
Now, Good Friday is usually poorly named, as legend has it, this be the day on which the son of God was callously murdered by the Romans - if you were to believe the legend (used loosely). So, for that poor individual, not so much of a Good Friday.
Previously, on Good Fridays I used to work at Rivington Barn. For anyone who knows it, its a function hall and on Good Friday we would open up as a cafe. As many many people from the area walk up Rivington Pike on Good Friday, we would be ridiculously busy. I disliked Good Friday because I would run round like an idiot, get sweaty and smell of kitchen grease, while friends were out having fun and drinking. Not such a Good Friday (Ok, I did get paid for it so I suppose it was mildly more amusing than getting crucified).
This Friday was not shaping up to be a particularly Good Friday either, more like a very Average Friday. I had been out drinking on Thursday night and left my car at Erika's. So my plans involved retreiving my car, buying food from Tesco (which would be horrendously busy and I would be likely to mame someone with a trolly - Steve does not allow me to push trollies), then cleaning the house, washing clothes and generally being busy in the household way, getting ready to go on Holiday - not what I saw as entertainning or 'Good'. The first day of my Easter break was going to be a Busy Friday.
However, as I woke, the winds appeared to have changed. I stepped onto the scales to register a disbeliving 11stone 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!! Now ok, it has taken some time to lose the last few pounds, but my god it felt good! I say disbeliving as the previous night I had sunk several pints of cider, a large portion of fish and chips at the pub (everyone should have fish and chips at the Station in Sutton at some point in their lives!) and then on returning home I ate two slices of goats cheese and the remainning slice of goats cheese tart I made a couple of nights earlier! And then there was the chocolate I had consumed through the day - not a light Thursday! By all accounts I should have been several pounds heavier!
So, the day started well, I was under 12 stone! This changed everything!!!! I decided on my way to collect my car I would go and spend a few of my Christmas vouchers. Now I know, I know, I know, I am not supposed to be spending them yet, but I wanted some new underwear so why the hell not. I decided I would get measured as my boobs have shrunk over the last few months! I am now a 34 DD! This is amasing!!!!!!! I was a 36/38 for such a long time, so to have someone officially say to me I was 34 was wonderful! I managed to spend £75 of my vouchers on lots of new underwear so I can chuck the old stuff out. I feel so much more confident with pretty knickers!
Bouncing along the street, I was collecting my car via The Station and the soft drinks Erika and I were going to have. Just the one, just to catch up from the previous night and waste half an hour. By the time I had reached the bottom of my pint of larger (following the coke) I knew my car was staying put! Erika and I decided to stay, drink and generally put the world to rights! It was soooooooooooooooooooooo much fun!! I love impromptu drinking sessions! Abandonned was the shopping, abandonned was the cleaning, abandonned was my steve - bless him. Apparently he already knew how I was going to spend my day! Steak sandwiches were devoured and an (un)healthy amount of larger was consumed, many giggles were had and stupidity laid bare!
So, for once the day lived up to its legendary name, Good Friday was indeed Good. I had registered weight below 12 stone, I was measured at 34", I got drunk and silly instead of being responsible and mature! Lets call it a Bloody Brilliant Friday shall we?!
Have a Happy Easter! Will be back next week after filling myself in Rome! Heehee!! Ciao for now!
Nx
I do have to apologise for the infrequency of my blogging of late, not much excuse really, just been busy and sleepy! But I have indeed been happy!
Now, Good Friday is usually poorly named, as legend has it, this be the day on which the son of God was callously murdered by the Romans - if you were to believe the legend (used loosely). So, for that poor individual, not so much of a Good Friday.
Previously, on Good Fridays I used to work at Rivington Barn. For anyone who knows it, its a function hall and on Good Friday we would open up as a cafe. As many many people from the area walk up Rivington Pike on Good Friday, we would be ridiculously busy. I disliked Good Friday because I would run round like an idiot, get sweaty and smell of kitchen grease, while friends were out having fun and drinking. Not such a Good Friday (Ok, I did get paid for it so I suppose it was mildly more amusing than getting crucified).
This Friday was not shaping up to be a particularly Good Friday either, more like a very Average Friday. I had been out drinking on Thursday night and left my car at Erika's. So my plans involved retreiving my car, buying food from Tesco (which would be horrendously busy and I would be likely to mame someone with a trolly - Steve does not allow me to push trollies), then cleaning the house, washing clothes and generally being busy in the household way, getting ready to go on Holiday - not what I saw as entertainning or 'Good'. The first day of my Easter break was going to be a Busy Friday.
However, as I woke, the winds appeared to have changed. I stepped onto the scales to register a disbeliving 11stone 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! woohoo!!!!!!!! Now ok, it has taken some time to lose the last few pounds, but my god it felt good! I say disbeliving as the previous night I had sunk several pints of cider, a large portion of fish and chips at the pub (everyone should have fish and chips at the Station in Sutton at some point in their lives!) and then on returning home I ate two slices of goats cheese and the remainning slice of goats cheese tart I made a couple of nights earlier! And then there was the chocolate I had consumed through the day - not a light Thursday! By all accounts I should have been several pounds heavier!
So, the day started well, I was under 12 stone! This changed everything!!!! I decided on my way to collect my car I would go and spend a few of my Christmas vouchers. Now I know, I know, I know, I am not supposed to be spending them yet, but I wanted some new underwear so why the hell not. I decided I would get measured as my boobs have shrunk over the last few months! I am now a 34 DD! This is amasing!!!!!!! I was a 36/38 for such a long time, so to have someone officially say to me I was 34 was wonderful! I managed to spend £75 of my vouchers on lots of new underwear so I can chuck the old stuff out. I feel so much more confident with pretty knickers!
Bouncing along the street, I was collecting my car via The Station and the soft drinks Erika and I were going to have. Just the one, just to catch up from the previous night and waste half an hour. By the time I had reached the bottom of my pint of larger (following the coke) I knew my car was staying put! Erika and I decided to stay, drink and generally put the world to rights! It was soooooooooooooooooooooo much fun!! I love impromptu drinking sessions! Abandonned was the shopping, abandonned was the cleaning, abandonned was my steve - bless him. Apparently he already knew how I was going to spend my day! Steak sandwiches were devoured and an (un)healthy amount of larger was consumed, many giggles were had and stupidity laid bare!
So, for once the day lived up to its legendary name, Good Friday was indeed Good. I had registered weight below 12 stone, I was measured at 34", I got drunk and silly instead of being responsible and mature! Lets call it a Bloody Brilliant Friday shall we?!
Have a Happy Easter! Will be back next week after filling myself in Rome! Heehee!! Ciao for now!
Nx
Tuesday 18 March 2008
To a few friends, old and new.
A little note:
To Claire (long time no see). Thank you for all your encouraging words. It is so lovely to hear from you and to know you are reading this. Its also lovely to know I am not alone in any of this. If nothing else comes out of this but a little inspiration for others, then I am happy. I hope you are happy and, ok, you are ill but well done for losing the 6lbs!! Will have a dig through my recipes and see what healthy food I have that is 'child-chef-friendly'! If you want to share experiences or just want a little moral support, I am here. Its not as difficult when there are shoulders to cry on! But to be honest, its not quite as difficult or scary as I first imagine! Keep in touch darling.
To Cath, Thank you for a brilliant time the other night and showing me what confidence and a love of life looks like. I know its not always that easy but you are an inspiration. Thank you for talking to me about my mutual food madness and making me understand that every woman, in some way, is a little bit tapped (Some more than others!) and that makes us wonderful, fascinating creatures who men should adore without question! (also have nicked the below photo - cheers chick).
To my Cie. Thank you my darling for being you. For supporting me and being there for me without question even though you are going through so much crap. Thank you for promising to move in with us and help me diet and cook properly (mainly by eating Steve's chocolate out of the fridge!). I love you lots for many many reasons, but mostly because you see something good in me and believe in me.
To my darling boy. I love you. I am so unbelievably proud of you for all you are attempting. You have been there for me through some truly crap times and you have made me a stronger, more confident and happier person through it. Thankyou for all the encouragement, love and affection you give; I couldn't achieve half my dreams without you. ***
*** I apologise to anyone who had to run for the sick bucket at this point but I am afraid you may have to face the fact that Steve is actually lovely. I know those who know him may wish to challenge this statement, but its true, I wouldn't be who I am without him!
To Claire (long time no see). Thank you for all your encouraging words. It is so lovely to hear from you and to know you are reading this. Its also lovely to know I am not alone in any of this. If nothing else comes out of this but a little inspiration for others, then I am happy. I hope you are happy and, ok, you are ill but well done for losing the 6lbs!! Will have a dig through my recipes and see what healthy food I have that is 'child-chef-friendly'! If you want to share experiences or just want a little moral support, I am here. Its not as difficult when there are shoulders to cry on! But to be honest, its not quite as difficult or scary as I first imagine! Keep in touch darling.
To Cath, Thank you for a brilliant time the other night and showing me what confidence and a love of life looks like. I know its not always that easy but you are an inspiration. Thank you for talking to me about my mutual food madness and making me understand that every woman, in some way, is a little bit tapped (Some more than others!) and that makes us wonderful, fascinating creatures who men should adore without question! (also have nicked the below photo - cheers chick).
To my Cie. Thank you my darling for being you. For supporting me and being there for me without question even though you are going through so much crap. Thank you for promising to move in with us and help me diet and cook properly (mainly by eating Steve's chocolate out of the fridge!). I love you lots for many many reasons, but mostly because you see something good in me and believe in me.
To my darling boy. I love you. I am so unbelievably proud of you for all you are attempting. You have been there for me through some truly crap times and you have made me a stronger, more confident and happier person through it. Thankyou for all the encouragement, love and affection you give; I couldn't achieve half my dreams without you. ***
*** I apologise to anyone who had to run for the sick bucket at this point but I am afraid you may have to face the fact that Steve is actually lovely. I know those who know him may wish to challenge this statement, but its true, I wouldn't be who I am without him!DISCLAIMER: please do not be offended if you have not been mentioned in this note. It is in no means belittling our friendship, it is not that I do not like you (well, maybe this is true of some of you! heehee! Joke by the way!), neither is it that you have not affected my life in some profound way, its just very late, I have to get up early and I have momentarily misplaced you in my memory. Love to all!
Nx
Saturday 15 March 2008
Liking Saturdays
I think Saturday should be the new Sunday!
I am having a wonderufl morning simply lying in bed watching tacky tv! I haven't seen Corrination Street in years and I have just watched Gail Platt get pushed down the stairs!! At last she gets her cumupence!!
Anyhow, thats slightly off tack. Still not lost any more weight, but also not gainned it again. I am assuming I am now at the weight were I have to make something of an effort - bugger. Me and effort just don't go well together. It could also be that I am allowing myself to eat the little things I like and drink the little things I like without stressing, which in turn means I need to exercise MORE. Oh dear.
Its also not going to help that Steve went to Cadbury's World yesterday with Erika and her class, and brought back not only hundereds of free Cadbury's buttons, but multi packs of flakes, a big bag of mishapes and jelly babies! It also doesn't help that we decided to have a regular 'end of the month' pint on a Friday - yesterday bein the first. The problem when I have one with Erika is that I want more than one. So our end of the month pint (singular) ended up moving to the Station, drinking more than one pint, and having a fish finger sandwich and chips. If this is a regular thing, theres no help!
I am also returning to my favourite pub, The Station, this evening for Cath's little soiree! Very excited about this, alcohol, posh dresses and my favourite pub in one night! Woohoo! But this too does not help. My plan was to try and lose another half stone in time for the Easter holidays, so I could spend my vouchers, somehow not sure this is going to happen! Particularly when you throw in five days in Italy with the wonderful food and wine I am sure to over indulge in a weeks time.
Starting to wonder what the chances are of me keeping the weight off over the next few weeks!! Suppose I will just have to run a marathon or two in the coming days! So, folks beware, If you see me in the next few days, and I am eating something not particularly healthy, please swipe the offending item from my hand and do all in your power to destroy! Force to run, demand pressups in a military style, anything to help me shead a little bit more. Im not a fan of hard work, but I know it will be good for me, I AM determined to get into a size 12 pair of jeans once more, just might take a little longer than planned!
Nx
I am having a wonderufl morning simply lying in bed watching tacky tv! I haven't seen Corrination Street in years and I have just watched Gail Platt get pushed down the stairs!! At last she gets her cumupence!!
Anyhow, thats slightly off tack. Still not lost any more weight, but also not gainned it again. I am assuming I am now at the weight were I have to make something of an effort - bugger. Me and effort just don't go well together. It could also be that I am allowing myself to eat the little things I like and drink the little things I like without stressing, which in turn means I need to exercise MORE. Oh dear.
Its also not going to help that Steve went to Cadbury's World yesterday with Erika and her class, and brought back not only hundereds of free Cadbury's buttons, but multi packs of flakes, a big bag of mishapes and jelly babies! It also doesn't help that we decided to have a regular 'end of the month' pint on a Friday - yesterday bein the first. The problem when I have one with Erika is that I want more than one. So our end of the month pint (singular) ended up moving to the Station, drinking more than one pint, and having a fish finger sandwich and chips. If this is a regular thing, theres no help!
I am also returning to my favourite pub, The Station, this evening for Cath's little soiree! Very excited about this, alcohol, posh dresses and my favourite pub in one night! Woohoo! But this too does not help. My plan was to try and lose another half stone in time for the Easter holidays, so I could spend my vouchers, somehow not sure this is going to happen! Particularly when you throw in five days in Italy with the wonderful food and wine I am sure to over indulge in a weeks time.
Starting to wonder what the chances are of me keeping the weight off over the next few weeks!! Suppose I will just have to run a marathon or two in the coming days! So, folks beware, If you see me in the next few days, and I am eating something not particularly healthy, please swipe the offending item from my hand and do all in your power to destroy! Force to run, demand pressups in a military style, anything to help me shead a little bit more. Im not a fan of hard work, but I know it will be good for me, I AM determined to get into a size 12 pair of jeans once more, just might take a little longer than planned!
Nx
Monday 10 March 2008
Happiness is . . .
For me, this weekend showed me what happiness truly was . . . This pair! Congatulations to Mr and Mrs Etheridge (and Dr Osgathorpe). The love these two show one another is so wonderful, it was dicciult to hold back the tears when watching them together at any point on Saturday night, it was such an honor to be a part of their day.
I am so unbelievably happy for Lynnie, she means an awful lot to me. In my darkest times, in my drakest days, she was there - ever smiling, bouyant and brilliant. Even though I was still struggling with demons, living with her and steve was one of the happiest years of my life. It was also the last time I was struggling against my weight, and sturggling horribly with stress. Steve and Lynne saw me through it and still remained by my side - thankyou.
It also made me realise this weekend how happy I am at the moment. I was 12 stone exact on Saturday morning (following alcohol and mucho food on Saturday night I am slightly heavier today, but thanks again to Lynne and Pete for a glorious do with amasing food - grilled goats cheese salad, roast beef and lemon torte mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and then cup cakes!!!!!). But my dress fit well - possibly a little big around the hips, but I felt confident strutting my funky stuff on the dance floor. Have not really had an appetite since Saturday night, think I over indulged slightly too much.It also ,ade me realise how happy I was with Steve. Ok, maybe we are not ready for such a permanent step, but I know I would like to be with him for the rest of my life. He has seen me through an awful lot of crap and has supported me with my efforts to lose weight. Me being happier makes him seem happier and that is a big reason to keep going at this. If I get back to my 'happy' weight, who knows what new doors may open. I believe being happy and confident reveals new opportunities and experiences, I am more open to things and more willing to push myself.
I am happy but I know I can feel happier about myself, not just my situation. So, here I go with that big push to lose that last stone, and maybe get myself a new dress that fits!
(slightly fat face - I'm not too photogenic!)
Wednesday 5 March 2008
Face masks and Fancies.
Heeheehee! These are a few pics from our girlie pamper day. This was my replacement reward for losing half a stone! The original plan was to book in for a spa type day - then we realised we were broke! It was also a distraction technique for Caroline, which worked up until having one too many glasses of pink! Tears did flow from the both of us - I think not long after the above piccy was taken!
Well, Ellie, you did us proud my love! You know the sign of a good afternoon when your actual plans go completely out of the window in place of goo conversation, good wine and wonderful humous and carrot sticks!! (Also a clear sign I am enjoying this healthy eating mallarky!). We managed to get a face pack on each before realising we were actually meant to meeting the boys! But it made for some interesting picturs for facebook etc!
The best bit was fitting into my gorgeous black and white dress! Apart from the fact that my boobs no longer fill the top! Seriously need some new underwear now - this weight loss is going to cost me a small fortune!Well, my next reward is on its way - this morning the scales read 12.1 !!!!!!!!!! I HAVE LOST A STONE!!!!! and with very little effort over the last couple of weeks! I am soooooooooooooo happy! Still too exhausted to get myself out for a stroll this evening, think this virus has kicked me more than I thought.
So, I have warned Steve that we are going to get all dolled up and go for a lovely meal, just the two of us! Soooooooooooo excited, hopefully soon I will have a little more energy and get myself out walking again - after all, another half stone and I get to go and spend all my clothes vouchers, wonder if I can make it to coincide with Easter holidays?!! Yey!
Tuesday 4 March 2008
Back from the dead and back on the wagon.
Serious apologies for no blogs for the last couple of weeks, this has been for a number of reasons.
Firstly, I've been, and still am, poorly sick. Had to take a couple of days off work last week as I wasnt functionning at all. Stayed in bed the monday, went home early on the tuesday, had to have a lie down in the staffroom for an hour on wednesday, and after breaking down crying on various members of staff in various corners of the school on thursday, I decided I needed to stay in bed on Friday! I am feeling a little better, but having put myself so far behind with work, think I have done a little too much, too soon. Now shattered again!
Thats why I am now lying in bed, once more reflecting on life.
I realised, as well as being told by steve, that my blog had lost its point. As much as I enjoy waffling crap about all aspects of love and life, I realised it had lost its essence. As had I. I have been feeling sapped (partly because of this virus) but of the goal I was striving towards. I had stopped thinking about food. Deliberately? I think so. Half term was my break, but I didn't go back. I started slipping. I stopped using my book, I stopped thinking about what was going into my food and my body, I stopped walking.
I knew I had to reboot myself - I could feel my emotions becoming irrational agian, feel my life spirit slowly ebbing away again. NO! This is NOT going to happen! So at weekend I remounted the scales - my weight has stayed constant for 2 weeks!!!! With not eating particularly well as all I want to eat is crap when I am ill, and with slobbing about I have somehow managed to stay the same weight. This is a first! So something must be working. I must be controlling my food and calories more than I realised. OK I haven't lost anymore weight in a few weeks, but at least I now know I can maintain a weight.
So, here we go again - back to thinking about food, and enjoying what I love. Not fixating on it to the point where it stresses me, but losing that extra stone! I was going to go for a walk this eveing while steve watched the football, but I feel the muscles in my face falling apart - if you do not know me, do not be alarmed! When I am ill or exhausted I am unable to control the muscles in my face, and everything literally drops, at the moment I can't really open my right eye for very long. So I decided to come to bed, quickly write this and have an early night - determined not to kill myself. Besides, friends of ours are getting married at the weekend and I want to be well enough to look fabulous and thinner in my pretty green dress!! So vain!
So todays weight is 12 stone 3 - bearing in mind this is the evening, it bodes well for the morning! I haven't calculated calories in a long time, I start this again tomorrow, it makes me stricter with my food - I actually care! The fact that I stopped writing everything down meant I stopped thinking. I often think I do such things like this because I am execting to fail. Its almost as if I plan to fail before I accidentally fail - so I am in control. I don't know if that makes sense? Its almost like a self preservation thing, a self destruct button.
Anyhoo, this evenings dinner was lovely - and back to good old healthy stuff. Firstly a morccan veg couscous. Onion, garlic, pepper, grated carrot, mushrooms and greens, cooked down with a splash of cider vinegar, salt, pepper, splash of lemon juice, moroccan spice (some jar we picked up) and some water. This was cooked until tender then removing the lid, allowed to evaporate. I just use Tesco cous-cous packets and the moroccan one is particularly good. I cooked this separately then added to the veg just before serving so that it didnt go too soggy and gloopy - there is nothing worse than gloopy cous-cous!
On top of this a had a tuna steak. Having splashed it with lime juice and soy sauce, then srinkled with black pepper and chili before making the cous-cous, I flash fried it in a dry pan, similar to how you would cook steak. Ok, I left it for a little bit too long, but my it was goooooooooooooooood!
Hope I feel better in the morning, and wake up with a sense of maintenance. This is proving quite hard to keep up, just because my motivation and will power are both quite weak. It takes very little to knock it. Most of my positive emotions take very little to knock. I don't know why. I think its pathetic that I need so much encouragement and assurance from people throughout my life, in various aspects. I wish I was a stronger person in my own mind. for a little while I was, and it was the food that was doing it.
I just have to get reaquainted with a very good friend.
Hope you are all well. and hope someone is still reading.
Nx
Firstly, I've been, and still am, poorly sick. Had to take a couple of days off work last week as I wasnt functionning at all. Stayed in bed the monday, went home early on the tuesday, had to have a lie down in the staffroom for an hour on wednesday, and after breaking down crying on various members of staff in various corners of the school on thursday, I decided I needed to stay in bed on Friday! I am feeling a little better, but having put myself so far behind with work, think I have done a little too much, too soon. Now shattered again!
Thats why I am now lying in bed, once more reflecting on life.
I realised, as well as being told by steve, that my blog had lost its point. As much as I enjoy waffling crap about all aspects of love and life, I realised it had lost its essence. As had I. I have been feeling sapped (partly because of this virus) but of the goal I was striving towards. I had stopped thinking about food. Deliberately? I think so. Half term was my break, but I didn't go back. I started slipping. I stopped using my book, I stopped thinking about what was going into my food and my body, I stopped walking.
I knew I had to reboot myself - I could feel my emotions becoming irrational agian, feel my life spirit slowly ebbing away again. NO! This is NOT going to happen! So at weekend I remounted the scales - my weight has stayed constant for 2 weeks!!!! With not eating particularly well as all I want to eat is crap when I am ill, and with slobbing about I have somehow managed to stay the same weight. This is a first! So something must be working. I must be controlling my food and calories more than I realised. OK I haven't lost anymore weight in a few weeks, but at least I now know I can maintain a weight.
So, here we go again - back to thinking about food, and enjoying what I love. Not fixating on it to the point where it stresses me, but losing that extra stone! I was going to go for a walk this eveing while steve watched the football, but I feel the muscles in my face falling apart - if you do not know me, do not be alarmed! When I am ill or exhausted I am unable to control the muscles in my face, and everything literally drops, at the moment I can't really open my right eye for very long. So I decided to come to bed, quickly write this and have an early night - determined not to kill myself. Besides, friends of ours are getting married at the weekend and I want to be well enough to look fabulous and thinner in my pretty green dress!! So vain!
So todays weight is 12 stone 3 - bearing in mind this is the evening, it bodes well for the morning! I haven't calculated calories in a long time, I start this again tomorrow, it makes me stricter with my food - I actually care! The fact that I stopped writing everything down meant I stopped thinking. I often think I do such things like this because I am execting to fail. Its almost as if I plan to fail before I accidentally fail - so I am in control. I don't know if that makes sense? Its almost like a self preservation thing, a self destruct button.
Anyhoo, this evenings dinner was lovely - and back to good old healthy stuff. Firstly a morccan veg couscous. Onion, garlic, pepper, grated carrot, mushrooms and greens, cooked down with a splash of cider vinegar, salt, pepper, splash of lemon juice, moroccan spice (some jar we picked up) and some water. This was cooked until tender then removing the lid, allowed to evaporate. I just use Tesco cous-cous packets and the moroccan one is particularly good. I cooked this separately then added to the veg just before serving so that it didnt go too soggy and gloopy - there is nothing worse than gloopy cous-cous!
On top of this a had a tuna steak. Having splashed it with lime juice and soy sauce, then srinkled with black pepper and chili before making the cous-cous, I flash fried it in a dry pan, similar to how you would cook steak. Ok, I left it for a little bit too long, but my it was goooooooooooooooood!
Hope I feel better in the morning, and wake up with a sense of maintenance. This is proving quite hard to keep up, just because my motivation and will power are both quite weak. It takes very little to knock it. Most of my positive emotions take very little to knock. I don't know why. I think its pathetic that I need so much encouragement and assurance from people throughout my life, in various aspects. I wish I was a stronger person in my own mind. for a little while I was, and it was the food that was doing it.
I just have to get reaquainted with a very good friend.
Hope you are all well. and hope someone is still reading.
Nx
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Incontinence in a Corner
The title is mainly just to amuse Carly! But it is one of the many subject matters we discussed this evening. No, we did not go on a conference which discussed how best to deal with children with bowel issues but we diverted our task onto this subject very early on in the evening. Tonight our Boss decided it would be smart to send myself, Erika, Carly and our leader Eamonn on a leadership course/project/conference thing - still not entirely sure which it really is or what we are supposed to do.
The main point of the evening was to establish types of person, types of managing styles and what colour we should dress in (pretty much - a 'yellow' man in our group was actually wearing a yellow tie - what are the chances?!!) Its an old management style looking at how people work and behave. All four of us appeared to be Yellow people along with the cheery yellow tied man, meaning we were enthusiastic, positive, fun loving type people who are motivated by free beer, chocolate fountains and donkeys at school fetes (come on, who wouldn't have fun at that school fete!)
However, as Erika, Carly and I were distinctly 'Yellow', it did lead to us being 'off-task' somewhat. In fact, don't think we actually discussed anything on the course for longer than about 3 minutes at a time. Main topics of discussion were of course an unfortunate poo related incident, donkeys, Carly's immature love of the number 69, how to introduce oneself to men without a beard, the Secret Meeting (little explanation:- On the board coming into the Hilton Hotel were the different conference rooms and the meetings being held. For one room it merely said 'Secret Meeting'. We were beyond intrigued, the fact that they said 'Secret' meant that we were desperate to go! What they were discussing, who knows? I believe to get into the 'Secret Meeting' there were some treasure map related antics, possibly some hidden handshakes and more than likely, a heavy discussion into the great secrets of the world: why hedgehogs have spikes? What really is at the end of the rainbow? why kerry katona is allowed to live? and why a lot of short men are so bloody irritating? We can only dream. However, the fact that I had no idea what was going on for the most part of the evening led me to believe we might have actually been in the secret meeting all along, the secret being what we supposed to actually do.) anyhoo.
Eamonn, having abandonned us to watch the football, left us to our deeply complex and intellectual conversations! I haven't giggled so much in ages! I know it was work, but we had so much fun! We did learn a lot, but what I think I really found out was that three 'yellow' people together were quite scary. Before coffee had arrived we had managed to scare away all the other people from our table (not sure we were appreciated). Infact, before long we were sat in a corner all alone with as many hilton after dinner mints we could eat! Feeling slighty incompetent as I still wasn't clear on what had gone on over the evening, basking in our yellow glow, aching from laughing a little too much, I felt content.
I find it difficult still with people I work with to feel relaxed and completely myself. Barriers were thrown up during my third year at uni - I shut down pretty much. I was a complete mess in other words and was horrible. I found it, and still find it very hard to form new friendships, the friends I have known what a mess I was and don't judge me on it. I am only just getting used to the fact that none of the last few years really matter, it doesn't matter how I was, just who I am. It has taken a very long time to get back to feeling somewhere like normal and less unhinged. The wiring still isnt quite right in places, but thats ok. Even with those disconnections, if I can truly relax, be myself, and enjoy giggling hysterically about inane nonsense, then I am happy.
Good company, good food, good laugh! Good night.
The main point of the evening was to establish types of person, types of managing styles and what colour we should dress in (pretty much - a 'yellow' man in our group was actually wearing a yellow tie - what are the chances?!!) Its an old management style looking at how people work and behave. All four of us appeared to be Yellow people along with the cheery yellow tied man, meaning we were enthusiastic, positive, fun loving type people who are motivated by free beer, chocolate fountains and donkeys at school fetes (come on, who wouldn't have fun at that school fete!)
However, as Erika, Carly and I were distinctly 'Yellow', it did lead to us being 'off-task' somewhat. In fact, don't think we actually discussed anything on the course for longer than about 3 minutes at a time. Main topics of discussion were of course an unfortunate poo related incident, donkeys, Carly's immature love of the number 69, how to introduce oneself to men without a beard, the Secret Meeting (little explanation:- On the board coming into the Hilton Hotel were the different conference rooms and the meetings being held. For one room it merely said 'Secret Meeting'. We were beyond intrigued, the fact that they said 'Secret' meant that we were desperate to go! What they were discussing, who knows? I believe to get into the 'Secret Meeting' there were some treasure map related antics, possibly some hidden handshakes and more than likely, a heavy discussion into the great secrets of the world: why hedgehogs have spikes? What really is at the end of the rainbow? why kerry katona is allowed to live? and why a lot of short men are so bloody irritating? We can only dream. However, the fact that I had no idea what was going on for the most part of the evening led me to believe we might have actually been in the secret meeting all along, the secret being what we supposed to actually do.) anyhoo.
Eamonn, having abandonned us to watch the football, left us to our deeply complex and intellectual conversations! I haven't giggled so much in ages! I know it was work, but we had so much fun! We did learn a lot, but what I think I really found out was that three 'yellow' people together were quite scary. Before coffee had arrived we had managed to scare away all the other people from our table (not sure we were appreciated). Infact, before long we were sat in a corner all alone with as many hilton after dinner mints we could eat! Feeling slighty incompetent as I still wasn't clear on what had gone on over the evening, basking in our yellow glow, aching from laughing a little too much, I felt content.
I find it difficult still with people I work with to feel relaxed and completely myself. Barriers were thrown up during my third year at uni - I shut down pretty much. I was a complete mess in other words and was horrible. I found it, and still find it very hard to form new friendships, the friends I have known what a mess I was and don't judge me on it. I am only just getting used to the fact that none of the last few years really matter, it doesn't matter how I was, just who I am. It has taken a very long time to get back to feeling somewhere like normal and less unhinged. The wiring still isnt quite right in places, but thats ok. Even with those disconnections, if I can truly relax, be myself, and enjoy giggling hysterically about inane nonsense, then I am happy.
Good company, good food, good laugh! Good night.
Sunday 17 February 2008
Wicked Witch of the (North) West
From this point on I will probably be known as quite evil. What is the point of being an adult if you cannot have adult conversations about things without descending into hysterics?
I have never really been a strong person, I have always wished to let things lie, to let bygones be bygones etc. I didn't like to challenge people, I still don't, but I have realised there is no point going through life keeping your mouth shut. If things upset or offend you of course they should be voiced, in a calm, rational, adult manner. Obviously not only delivering home truths in the correct manner but also in the correct situation.
I was never good at my timing. Before Steve and I were an item, usually in fits of jealousy, I would have a go at him for pointless things in public arenas. This did not make me a very nice person and made many people feel uncomfortable. From that point I tried realy hard not to grumble about anything.
This turned in on myself and made me a paranoid (even moreso) weak shell. I was too scared to say anything ever. When Steve and I started living together, this internal turmoil would erupt into a violent explosion. I would scream and cry and become hysterical, I would storm about, push, shove, lose total control. Thankfully I have learnt now to control anger and 'discuss' things that bother me, but only with Steve.
However, things bother me. After breif storming sessions, strugling with my demons and pacing about the house, ranting inside my head, I can calm down. In this zone I become very calm and rational and am now able to piece together a justifyable arguement in my head. I am not saying I am always right, but I feel I am now able to approach difficult situations with a clear head, knowing my part.
I don't take to these situations lightly, usually they take weeks if not months to manifest. It does also take something I feel quite important or serious to provoke it, no more walking out on Steve because he hadn't washed up! No more childish tantrums because my toys fell out the pram.
So it was in this calm, rational yet determined mode that I called a friend this evening. Shaking like a leaf and terrified of the ramifications, I settled on the idea that I had to say something. I wasn't sure how it was going to go or how well recieved my conversation would be, not good though. I knew the point I wanted to make, I was calm in my decision to call. Understandably, she didn't take it well. Thats the problem though with being honest, it hurts. She is understandably upset and feels that I have attacked her, it was personal. However, I maintained my rationality and although my hands, arms and legs were dithering uncontrollably, I felt I managed to stand my ground rationally. Something I could never have done 12 months ago.
I hope if she ever reads my blog again that she understands why I did what I did. It wasn't out of spite or hate or mallice, but out of geniune love and affection for those I care about. I know that there will be fallout from this. I am aware that things will be misunderstood, that chinese whispers may take over. But I feel I did something for the greater good this evening. Or maybe Im just a meddler? I don't know. All I know is I can't doubt my decision now, whats done is done, I felt it was necessary.
That again is another problem with honesty. What some people believe to be necessary is completely different from anothers point of view. I believe I am a kind, sensible, thoughtful person and would do anything for my friends.
I hope you see it this way.
Saturday 16 February 2008
Wasting Time
Hmph. Bored.
I have so many things I need to do and so many things I want to do, but just can't be bothered. Its Saturday night and Steve has taken his little brother to Nottingham to play poker. They won't be back here until the early hours, so I have to occupy myself - without eating!! I ordinarily really look forward to a night alone, I really was looking forward to this one, but I know what happens, get slightly bored and I eat. If I get bored when others are around I don't eat. Food is my friend in solitary situations.
Generally I've had a week off, not only from work, but from my enforced change of routine. I haven't eaten vast portions this week, but I have eaten a lot more, and a lot more sugar based food. The other day I cooked two batches of fudge because I wanted to entertain myself. Its not very nice fudge, (either under or over cooked, don't know which) but that hasn't stopped me eating it. I had scones, ice cream and chocolate last weekend, the rich valenites desert over two nights this week, and very little exercise. Next week I need to start again!
Anyway, so tonight I am alone. I am trying not to go into the kitchen, fudge be there! Also, on evenings like this I like to bake . . . probably not the best way to 'restart' the week. So . . . what to do . . . .?
Watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice . . . Check! On in the background, nothing like a Mr Darcy fix on a lonesome evening. Colin Firth as Mr Darcy is the quintessential heart throb. I love him and wish I was as witty and intelligent as Miss Eliza Bennett if it would catch me a man of that calibre and good standing! I've not done too badly though with Steve! Looking at fallen relationships around me recently I realise I am a very lucky young lady to be with someone I love and who loves me regardless of all my insecurities and paranoias. Fanatsising about Mr Darcy is still a very definite necessity in my life though!
Finish reading the book I started before christmas . . . If I know where I've put it! I'm reading 'Son of a Witch', the sequel to 'Wicked'. I love reading, however I need large chunks of time and an abundance of energy to concentrate in order to read adult books. I can't keep reading children's books all the time! I am often mocked by Steve and Erika for being a 'retard' at reading! It takes me ages and I always feel too tired. This may seem strange but I get so involved with a book, it totally consumes my whole being, so reading takes energy! Steve thinks I am dyslexic (I struggle with my left and right) and that this is the issue. I am not dyslexic, I like many other women, have more important things to think about than wether I know my left and right . . . I'm not coming out too well from this!
(From the above point) revise my left and right . . . can I really be bothered? what horrors will befall me should I occaisionally mix them up? "Don't step left, you will fall off the cliff." - instant hospitalisation or death. "Drive on the left side of the road," - instant hospitalisation or death. "Put this shoe on your right foot," - blisters, poor walking, falling over leading to instant hospitalisation or death. Maybe its worth spending ten minutes on. Hmm.
Bake a cake - ermmm, no. This would require not only a walk to the shop for eggs but mean I would eat a vast proportion of it before the Webley Brothers return.
Play Scrabbulous - check! Unfortunately I am only playing against three people and they are all busy this evening so I have to wait until tomorrow for them to return their go. Limited time wasting.
Go for a walk . . . the fact that I am already curled up in bed with Colin Firth means this is unlikely, not imposisble but highly improbable.
Do my school planning . . . It might actually come to this. However, it is Saturday night and school work was designed for Sunday nights just before you start again!
Mark my writing assessments . . . see above.
Drink wine . . . I would love to right now, but even though Steve has my car I may need to be aware of myself incase certain horrors befall the Webley Brothers on their outing - not sure what, but something could happen (see, not paranoid in the slightest).
Play at dressing up . . . now this one is very appealing. Now I am a little thinner I should be able to fit into my old university ball dresses! Might end up flouncing around the house drinking wine, imagining I am dancing with Mr Darcy and slighting Mr Collins. My favourite ball gown is one my mum made, its a black velvet bask with a HUGE dark purple skirt which flashes deep red, blue and black depending on how the light catches it - amasing.
Work out how to use the timer setting on my camera . . . this could be in collaboration with the above.
Write another chapter to my kids book . . . started over a year ago and only 4 chapters in. Lacking inspiration at the moment, am waiting to win the lottery and take a year off to write.
Check lottery numbers . . . where's my handbag?! Ah, downstairs, do it in a bit.
Well, with all these things to do I should get going, will never fit it all in! On the other hand . . . might just have a piece of fudge!
Nx
I have so many things I need to do and so many things I want to do, but just can't be bothered. Its Saturday night and Steve has taken his little brother to Nottingham to play poker. They won't be back here until the early hours, so I have to occupy myself - without eating!! I ordinarily really look forward to a night alone, I really was looking forward to this one, but I know what happens, get slightly bored and I eat. If I get bored when others are around I don't eat. Food is my friend in solitary situations.
Generally I've had a week off, not only from work, but from my enforced change of routine. I haven't eaten vast portions this week, but I have eaten a lot more, and a lot more sugar based food. The other day I cooked two batches of fudge because I wanted to entertain myself. Its not very nice fudge, (either under or over cooked, don't know which) but that hasn't stopped me eating it. I had scones, ice cream and chocolate last weekend, the rich valenites desert over two nights this week, and very little exercise. Next week I need to start again!
Anyway, so tonight I am alone. I am trying not to go into the kitchen, fudge be there! Also, on evenings like this I like to bake . . . probably not the best way to 'restart' the week. So . . . what to do . . . .?
Watch the BBC's Pride and Prejudice . . . Check! On in the background, nothing like a Mr Darcy fix on a lonesome evening. Colin Firth as Mr Darcy is the quintessential heart throb. I love him and wish I was as witty and intelligent as Miss Eliza Bennett if it would catch me a man of that calibre and good standing! I've not done too badly though with Steve! Looking at fallen relationships around me recently I realise I am a very lucky young lady to be with someone I love and who loves me regardless of all my insecurities and paranoias. Fanatsising about Mr Darcy is still a very definite necessity in my life though!
Finish reading the book I started before christmas . . . If I know where I've put it! I'm reading 'Son of a Witch', the sequel to 'Wicked'. I love reading, however I need large chunks of time and an abundance of energy to concentrate in order to read adult books. I can't keep reading children's books all the time! I am often mocked by Steve and Erika for being a 'retard' at reading! It takes me ages and I always feel too tired. This may seem strange but I get so involved with a book, it totally consumes my whole being, so reading takes energy! Steve thinks I am dyslexic (I struggle with my left and right) and that this is the issue. I am not dyslexic, I like many other women, have more important things to think about than wether I know my left and right . . . I'm not coming out too well from this!
(From the above point) revise my left and right . . . can I really be bothered? what horrors will befall me should I occaisionally mix them up? "Don't step left, you will fall off the cliff." - instant hospitalisation or death. "Drive on the left side of the road," - instant hospitalisation or death. "Put this shoe on your right foot," - blisters, poor walking, falling over leading to instant hospitalisation or death. Maybe its worth spending ten minutes on. Hmm.
Bake a cake - ermmm, no. This would require not only a walk to the shop for eggs but mean I would eat a vast proportion of it before the Webley Brothers return.
Play Scrabbulous - check! Unfortunately I am only playing against three people and they are all busy this evening so I have to wait until tomorrow for them to return their go. Limited time wasting.
Go for a walk . . . the fact that I am already curled up in bed with Colin Firth means this is unlikely, not imposisble but highly improbable.
Do my school planning . . . It might actually come to this. However, it is Saturday night and school work was designed for Sunday nights just before you start again!
Mark my writing assessments . . . see above.
Drink wine . . . I would love to right now, but even though Steve has my car I may need to be aware of myself incase certain horrors befall the Webley Brothers on their outing - not sure what, but something could happen (see, not paranoid in the slightest).
Play at dressing up . . . now this one is very appealing. Now I am a little thinner I should be able to fit into my old university ball dresses! Might end up flouncing around the house drinking wine, imagining I am dancing with Mr Darcy and slighting Mr Collins. My favourite ball gown is one my mum made, its a black velvet bask with a HUGE dark purple skirt which flashes deep red, blue and black depending on how the light catches it - amasing.
Work out how to use the timer setting on my camera . . . this could be in collaboration with the above.
Write another chapter to my kids book . . . started over a year ago and only 4 chapters in. Lacking inspiration at the moment, am waiting to win the lottery and take a year off to write.
Check lottery numbers . . . where's my handbag?! Ah, downstairs, do it in a bit.
Well, with all these things to do I should get going, will never fit it all in! On the other hand . . . might just have a piece of fudge!
Nx
Friday 15 February 2008
Is it just me . . . ?
While trying on multiple pairs of low cut, flab cutting, over priced, skinny fit, depressingly thin, badly made, non-comfy jeans (it went soooooooo well), I was yet again investing in a little people watching. To be more accurate, people listening.
I know I am judgemental at the best of times, but I realised today just how judgemental I could be. Although, not entirely unjustified. The first was in New Look, who have surprised me actually with their range of tops at the moment, not jeans though - we went through this earlier, I will try not to repeat myself! I was layering tops and failing miserably to coordinate anything when I overheard voices in the next cubicle. Three generations of the same family were shopping together which I thought was lovely, something very traditional and surprising in a world so twisted round. There was a young girl spending her birthday money, her mum and grandma. I couldn't see them, obviously - I hadn't created a little peep hole to watch them by, but I did sit and listen for a while! I need more of a life . . . .
Anyway, the girl sounded about 11 - 12, quite young. She was trying on various things including jeans. Apart from wanting to tell her never to buy jeans from New Look, I was ready to scream at her elders at what they thought was appropriate for a young girl. The discussion went through white leggings, to white jeans, to mini skirts and then I heard the mother say . . . ."You look far better in those white hot pants you own!" At this point I wish I had a peep hole to see just how old this girl was. It was entirely feasable that she just sounded young, that she was a misguided teenager who thought hot pants were cool (for anyone who may be confused I would like to clarify that at no point, unless you are Kylie, are hot pants cool. They aren't now, and never will be!) I quickly gathered my things as I realised I needed to leave the changing rooms before I actually started telling people how to dress.
As I walked out from behind the curtain I realised to my horror, I was right. This was not a teenager, not even close. She was indeed a little girl. She was no older than 12 and her mother was telling her she looked good in hot pants. Now, I know I was never the coolest of kids, I always had hand-me-downs and Tesco clothes (there is definitly nothing wrong with Tesco clothes, I still love them), but come on - hot pants? On an 11 year old? Really? The mother should not be dressing her little girl like a prostitute. But maybe I'm just old fashioned . . . and quite happy to be if thats the case.
The second thing that distressed me was in Dotty P's. I was rifling through the sale rail (some nice little numbers actually, but nothig fit) when I heard a very aggressive voice, "Get eere or I'll batter you! Gerr eer now!" I looked up expecting to see a naughty boy running around the shop. I was not surprised to see the owner of the voice as a very large, extremely scary looking woman. Red puffer jacket, hair scrapped back with what I assumed was gel, could be natural . . . who knows (said I was judgemental), pushing a push chair. There was a baby in the push chair but I could not see the naughty boy. "Get by me NOW or I'll kick your 'ed in!" she continued in her dulcet tones. When I edged my head around the trousers I could see to who she was referring. Tottering behind her was a tiny toddler, no more than 2 or 3. The little girl, from what I could see, was guilty of nothing more than not being able to keep up with mother's yeti like strides. The poor thing was seemingly oblivious to the venom at which her mother was screaming at her.
I spun back around quickly, hiding the fact that I was obviously fuming. How DARE she speak to a child like that. I don't care how naughty they may or may not be - that was bang out of order. I wanted to tell her what a horrible person she was and that she didn't deserve to have one kid, let alone 2. However, I quite like my face, I quite like being able to chew food and breathe without aid. I think had I approached the neanderthal I would have ended up in intensive care.
The world is a very sad place, and things like that put my life in perspective. I had a wonderful upbringing all things considered. I was loved and knew it. I was well cared for and knew it. I never had to doubt the care my family gave me (for the most part) and I now don't have to question the care and love of my friends. That poor little girl is going to grow up knowing nothing but hate and aggression. Steve is right. Humans should have a test before they are allowed to breed, it would stop children growing up a psychological mess and hating the world thus precipitating a vicious, downwards spiral.
So, it may be a day (ish) late, but show people how much you love them. Let those you care about know how much you care about them, that you would not let harm come to them, and that you would definitly tell them how appauling they look in white hot pants.
Love you,
Nx
I know I am judgemental at the best of times, but I realised today just how judgemental I could be. Although, not entirely unjustified. The first was in New Look, who have surprised me actually with their range of tops at the moment, not jeans though - we went through this earlier, I will try not to repeat myself! I was layering tops and failing miserably to coordinate anything when I overheard voices in the next cubicle. Three generations of the same family were shopping together which I thought was lovely, something very traditional and surprising in a world so twisted round. There was a young girl spending her birthday money, her mum and grandma. I couldn't see them, obviously - I hadn't created a little peep hole to watch them by, but I did sit and listen for a while! I need more of a life . . . .
Anyway, the girl sounded about 11 - 12, quite young. She was trying on various things including jeans. Apart from wanting to tell her never to buy jeans from New Look, I was ready to scream at her elders at what they thought was appropriate for a young girl. The discussion went through white leggings, to white jeans, to mini skirts and then I heard the mother say . . . ."You look far better in those white hot pants you own!" At this point I wish I had a peep hole to see just how old this girl was. It was entirely feasable that she just sounded young, that she was a misguided teenager who thought hot pants were cool (for anyone who may be confused I would like to clarify that at no point, unless you are Kylie, are hot pants cool. They aren't now, and never will be!) I quickly gathered my things as I realised I needed to leave the changing rooms before I actually started telling people how to dress.
As I walked out from behind the curtain I realised to my horror, I was right. This was not a teenager, not even close. She was indeed a little girl. She was no older than 12 and her mother was telling her she looked good in hot pants. Now, I know I was never the coolest of kids, I always had hand-me-downs and Tesco clothes (there is definitly nothing wrong with Tesco clothes, I still love them), but come on - hot pants? On an 11 year old? Really? The mother should not be dressing her little girl like a prostitute. But maybe I'm just old fashioned . . . and quite happy to be if thats the case.
The second thing that distressed me was in Dotty P's. I was rifling through the sale rail (some nice little numbers actually, but nothig fit) when I heard a very aggressive voice, "Get eere or I'll batter you! Gerr eer now!" I looked up expecting to see a naughty boy running around the shop. I was not surprised to see the owner of the voice as a very large, extremely scary looking woman. Red puffer jacket, hair scrapped back with what I assumed was gel, could be natural . . . who knows (said I was judgemental), pushing a push chair. There was a baby in the push chair but I could not see the naughty boy. "Get by me NOW or I'll kick your 'ed in!" she continued in her dulcet tones. When I edged my head around the trousers I could see to who she was referring. Tottering behind her was a tiny toddler, no more than 2 or 3. The little girl, from what I could see, was guilty of nothing more than not being able to keep up with mother's yeti like strides. The poor thing was seemingly oblivious to the venom at which her mother was screaming at her.
I spun back around quickly, hiding the fact that I was obviously fuming. How DARE she speak to a child like that. I don't care how naughty they may or may not be - that was bang out of order. I wanted to tell her what a horrible person she was and that she didn't deserve to have one kid, let alone 2. However, I quite like my face, I quite like being able to chew food and breathe without aid. I think had I approached the neanderthal I would have ended up in intensive care.
The world is a very sad place, and things like that put my life in perspective. I had a wonderful upbringing all things considered. I was loved and knew it. I was well cared for and knew it. I never had to doubt the care my family gave me (for the most part) and I now don't have to question the care and love of my friends. That poor little girl is going to grow up knowing nothing but hate and aggression. Steve is right. Humans should have a test before they are allowed to breed, it would stop children growing up a psychological mess and hating the world thus precipitating a vicious, downwards spiral.
So, it may be a day (ish) late, but show people how much you love them. Let those you care about know how much you care about them, that you would not let harm come to them, and that you would definitly tell them how appauling they look in white hot pants.
Love you,
Nx
Not giving up the ghost, just yet.
Comfy old jeans are like a good friend. They won't let you down, they don't get offended if you choose to wear something else, but are always, without fail, there when you need them. I love jeans, I live in them. My current pair are Doty P's high waisted, dark size 14s. However, what with the old losing weight shennanigans, they are not looking their best anymore. Infact, they don't actually fit anymore! They are supposed to be high waist, however, they are now sitting below my hips. I know I can wear a belt with them, but unfortuntely it makes me look like I am wearing a nappy as they bag quite horribly around the front. Either that or a look of someone who hasn't had the full sex change ops yet! Not attractive.
The fact that I now have a figure coming back to me is very exciting. So, I thought I would celebrate this with some new interim jeans, a pair that look like they might actually fit. I toddled off into erdington - I wasn't prepared to go into Birmingham, half term shopping? No thank you. To my excitement I found that I could actually squeeze myself into size 12 jea
ns in new look, but they were all too low cut. I felt slightly dirty looking at jeans in new look (it was like cheating) so I put down the size 12s and went into Dotty P's. I only ever buy jeans from Dorothy or Next because they are long enough for me. However, skinny jeans were abundant. The beautiful high waisted flared jeans on the poster were no where in sight.
ns in new look, but they were all too low cut. I felt slightly dirty looking at jeans in new look (it was like cheating) so I put down the size 12s and went into Dotty P's. I only ever buy jeans from Dorothy or Next because they are long enough for me. However, skinny jeans were abundant. The beautiful high waisted flared jeans on the poster were no where in sight.
Needless to say, the size 12s didn't get any where near my bum! I am not built for skinny Jeans - no one should be, they are wrong on all sorts of levels. As the world is not ready for me flaunting myself in super tight denim, I meandered back out of the shop, avoiding the frilly tops that were calling me (the world is not ready for me in frills either!).
So my old jeans were slightly hurt at me looking for a replacement, but welcomed me back with open arms. Soft and saggy, they made me feel so comfortable. I didn't care that they were slightly trampy looking anymore, I love them and I don't want to lose them just yet!
Flowers? . . . For me?!!
Just to show how much I love Daffodils, I wanted to share the piccies of my flowers. Caroline bought me a lovely bunch on Friday night which just look wonderful in my kitchen. Steve bought me much daintier ones, but sooooooo pretty. Daffs are such happy flowers, they radiate sunshine and smiles. And they are cheap!! I challenge anyone not to see the beauty in these simple flowers. Such a simple pleasure in life that brings so much joy!
Love and Obsessions
Happy Valentines to one and all!
I know, I know, I know, it's a commerical crock of a day. Its an excuse for card companies to make millions following the post christmas lull. Its a reason for single people to be angry - I was one of those people for far too long.
Growing up, I didn't have boyfriends, not really. There were people I fancied and obsessed about as a teenager - those boys know precisely who they are, subtlety was not my forte! I apologise for my slight stalkerish tendancies! I remember getting a few cards, one year I got a huge bunch of flowers from a strange, penfold-like man who I had met for an hour, two weeks previous - weird. Essentially, Valentines was something that kinda passed me by, apart from those two occaisions in my pre-twenteens.
The first Valentines day I had with a boyfriend was tainted by arguements as I couldn't understand why he would rather go to a 'traffic lights' social at univeristy rather than spend the night with me, his girlfriend. I soon found out as three days later he broke up with me! Apparently wanting to spend time with him was just out of order - I was such a bitch!! Im sure one day I will be cruel enough to publish the 'toothpaste day' about this boy as his cumuppance, but tonight I am in a good mood, I have eaten lots of food!!
So anyway, I am basically still a thirteen year old girl when it comes to Valentine's day, I like to give cheesy cards and I like to get them. I also use it as an excuse to cook!! Valentine's day becomes less about me declaring my love to those around me, but declaring my undying devotion to the one thing that will never leave me; food! I also like to spoil Steve, who did very well this year! Steve 'disagrees' with cards, I have never been given a card for any occaision from Steve. This year in fact was the first year I had christmas presents wrapped in
wrapping paper, not random plastic bags he found under the sink! So when I was not only presented with a single red rose, TWO bunches of daffodills (my absolute favourite flowers), a smile and a pink envelope, I was completely over the moon!! Ok, he had already told me that the card was from Card Factory and cost him 30p, ok the envelope blatantly belonged to another card which had obviously been abandonned on another rack, but he had actually bought me a card! I really was happier than when he bought me my silver necklace last year!
wrapping paper, not random plastic bags he found under the sink! So when I was not only presented with a single red rose, TWO bunches of daffodills (my absolute favourite flowers), a smile and a pink envelope, I was completely over the moon!! Ok, he had already told me that the card was from Card Factory and cost him 30p, ok the envelope blatantly belonged to another card which had obviously been abandonned on another rack, but he had actually bought me a card! I really was happier than when he bought me my silver necklace last year!But my spoiling today was wonderful! I spoilt myself rotten, and my boy! I like feeding him my creations and seeing his reactions. Tonight I produced a three course dinner, setting the coffee table in a silver service style fashion (one day I will have a dining table - I can dream), and chilling a Jacobs Creek pink bubbly, to really mark the occasision!
Starters - very simple prawn cocktail with homemade marie-rose: Equal parts double craem and mayonnaise (good full fat mayonnaise, only Helmans will do), a squeeze or two of lemon juice and a good squirt of heinz tomato ketchup!
Mains (and I was very proud of this) - Pan fried Duck with pomegranate sauce and celeriac mash. I had never eaten celeriac before, but all the recent duck recipes suggest placing your cut duck pieces on a bed of celeriac, so I did and its actually very nice. After boiling down, I mashed with plenty proper butter and some fresh chopped corriander. The duck was pan fried in butter, skin side down, until beautifully golden, then placed onto a roasting rack in the top of the oven. The sauce, I have to say, was a triumph. After removing the fat from the duck pan, I added some more butter and shallots. I then added equal parts chicken stock and pomegranate juice, a good sprinkling of dried juniper berries and dried pomegranate seeds and salt. This was allowed to reduce while we ate the very 1970s style prawn cocktail (served in a high wine glass), so that the sauce was good and sticky when time to serve. Adding my favourite roast potatoes, carrots and green beans, it was a feats to behold. Steve even said it would rival a restraunt's duck dish - high praise indeed!
Dessert- nearly killed us - Vanilla chocolate Creams. I did make quite a lot, in fact there is enough left for maybe two more desserts each! A cream based, two layered, set dessert that is wonderfully rich!
Vanilla Chocolate Creams
450ml double Cream
Vanilla pod
6 tbspn castor sugar
200ml creme fraiche
3 tbspn water
2 tsp powdered gelatine
50g chocolate (think I actually used more like 75g of dark, continental chocolate)
* Put cream, sugar and split vanilla pod into a pan, heat gently and stir constantly until the sugar has dissolved. Bring to the boil then allow to simmer for 2-3 minutes.
* Take off the heat. Remove vanilla pod and stir in creme fraiche.
* Put gelatine in the water (in a different bowl) and allow to go spongy. Heat the water/gelatine in a bowl over hot water (bains marie?) and stir until dissolved.
* Add gelatine to cream mix and stir well.
* Separate cream mix into two equal portions.
* Melt chocolate in a bowl over hot water, then add to one half of the cream mix. Stir well. Pour this mixture into 4 ramekins - I put it into 2 glasses, WAY too much!! Place into fridge to cool for 20 minutes. Leave remainning vanilla cream mix at room temperature.
* When chocolate cream has set, spoon over the reaminning vanilla cream and return to fridge.
* When ready to serve, grate over some extra chocolate, or as I did, add a little grenache!
Diet went well and truly out of the window today! Do I care?! Not in the slightest as I celebrated the greatest love of all - creating dishes I have carefully, lovingly prepared, and have someone (other than me) appreciate and enjoy it. Life to me doesn't get much better than this!
Hope you all had a wonderful day, no matter what.
Nx
Tuesday 12 February 2008
Frankenstein's Monster
Ok, so maybe not as hideous as Frankenstein's monster, but the idea is right.
It suddenly dawned on me today how we 'collect' bits of other people. Now, in some warped minds, some individuals actually do collect bits of people, Hannibal Lecter for example. I am not saying I have random limbs and oddments of bodies lying around, but metephorically maybe.
I had a flit home (24 hours only) and while filling up at Morrisons I was met with, "Smile, it might never happen!" I turned round to see a face I hadn't seen in a very long time. I have seen Laura now twice (?) since I left school ten years ago, that makes me feel old! In fact, the last time I did see Laura was in Asda a couple of Christmases ago. The reason I mention this, is because she is a freind I never forgot, and thinking about it, have a lot to thank her for.
Over the years, you meet people and 'collect' things from them. For example, from Steve, I have 'collected' a slight stubborness, a developed sarcasm, a habit of swearing too much! From the friends I waitressed with, I 'collected' a confidence and ability to talk to complete strangers. At high school, I didn't really realise it, but I collected a wide selection fo things.
I never really felt like I was meant to be there. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. Like many people, I didn't fit in. I was relatively smart, not particularly girlie or attractive, had male friends who were oh so lovely, but not necessarily the 'cool' boys, I wasn't very popular. I was't very well liked. Various hideous things happened to me; including being the only person in an enitre form group not to be invited to one of my so-called-best-friend's birthday party; including having another 'friend' read my diary out to the enitre class; including having all my 'friends', save one, not turn up to my birthday sleepover; including being generaly ridiculed and humiliated at many turns and corners; all by people who were supposed to care about me. From these, and other fallouts, I 'collected' how not to treat others. I also 'collected' a sense of worthlessness. I 'collected' the idea that you should always be lovely to people, no matter what, because you never know when it will come back to haunt you.
From Laura, I collected a sense of identity. She was the year (or two? I forget) above me at school. I suspect she had a fairly miserable time at school too on occaisions. I remember particularly in bad spells, I would spend my lunches and breaks with her. She didn't care that I was slightly awkward and unpopular, she accepted me for me. She was always that little bit different from the girls in my class, and I amired her for it. She always seemed so self assured and aware of who she was. I collected the ability to see myself for who I was and not be ashamed of it, the determination not to mold into another flicky-haired, giggly, hand-bagged clone. Laura is fabulous!
The saddest thing is, that yes you do collect the positive attributes from friends along the way, but the negative ones seem to resonate the loudest. I left school with very little self confidence. It wasnt until I went to university that I felt I truly belonged anywhere. I suddenly felt that I wasnt judged anylonger. But its only now that I have started to see how I have become the person that I am. I am a collection of influences and experiences built into a solid whole. I am still developing, still being influenced, and gainning in confidence all the time.
To those people who knocked me down, I wish to say thankyou. Without those experiences, I would never have the strength to know what kind of person I would never want to be. To those people who gave me a little bit of themselves, I wish to say thank you for helping build me into a person I am proud to be. Cheers Laura.
Nx
It suddenly dawned on me today how we 'collect' bits of other people. Now, in some warped minds, some individuals actually do collect bits of people, Hannibal Lecter for example. I am not saying I have random limbs and oddments of bodies lying around, but metephorically maybe.
I had a flit home (24 hours only) and while filling up at Morrisons I was met with, "Smile, it might never happen!" I turned round to see a face I hadn't seen in a very long time. I have seen Laura now twice (?) since I left school ten years ago, that makes me feel old! In fact, the last time I did see Laura was in Asda a couple of Christmases ago. The reason I mention this, is because she is a freind I never forgot, and thinking about it, have a lot to thank her for.
Over the years, you meet people and 'collect' things from them. For example, from Steve, I have 'collected' a slight stubborness, a developed sarcasm, a habit of swearing too much! From the friends I waitressed with, I 'collected' a confidence and ability to talk to complete strangers. At high school, I didn't really realise it, but I collected a wide selection fo things.
I never really felt like I was meant to be there. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. Like many people, I didn't fit in. I was relatively smart, not particularly girlie or attractive, had male friends who were oh so lovely, but not necessarily the 'cool' boys, I wasn't very popular. I was't very well liked. Various hideous things happened to me; including being the only person in an enitre form group not to be invited to one of my so-called-best-friend's birthday party; including having another 'friend' read my diary out to the enitre class; including having all my 'friends', save one, not turn up to my birthday sleepover; including being generaly ridiculed and humiliated at many turns and corners; all by people who were supposed to care about me. From these, and other fallouts, I 'collected' how not to treat others. I also 'collected' a sense of worthlessness. I 'collected' the idea that you should always be lovely to people, no matter what, because you never know when it will come back to haunt you.
From Laura, I collected a sense of identity. She was the year (or two? I forget) above me at school. I suspect she had a fairly miserable time at school too on occaisions. I remember particularly in bad spells, I would spend my lunches and breaks with her. She didn't care that I was slightly awkward and unpopular, she accepted me for me. She was always that little bit different from the girls in my class, and I amired her for it. She always seemed so self assured and aware of who she was. I collected the ability to see myself for who I was and not be ashamed of it, the determination not to mold into another flicky-haired, giggly, hand-bagged clone. Laura is fabulous!
The saddest thing is, that yes you do collect the positive attributes from friends along the way, but the negative ones seem to resonate the loudest. I left school with very little self confidence. It wasnt until I went to university that I felt I truly belonged anywhere. I suddenly felt that I wasnt judged anylonger. But its only now that I have started to see how I have become the person that I am. I am a collection of influences and experiences built into a solid whole. I am still developing, still being influenced, and gainning in confidence all the time.
To those people who knocked me down, I wish to say thankyou. Without those experiences, I would never have the strength to know what kind of person I would never want to be. To those people who gave me a little bit of themselves, I wish to say thank you for helping build me into a person I am proud to be. Cheers Laura.
Nx
Saturday 9 February 2008
Flipping Fantastic (WARNING: Pancakes were harmed in the making of this blog)
Sorry I haven't written very much over the last couple of weks, between work, social engagements and general yoyoing emotions, I haven't got round to writing.
This week was bizarre. After Monday's let down, I got back on the horse so to speak. I started again. I began to think carefully again about what I was eating and what I was doing to combat anything I shouldn't be eating!
Tuesday was great, I still felt a little disheartened about my Monday binge. It shook me well and truly. I was disgusted with myself. But there is no point dwelling, if I am that appauled, I shoudl do something about it. Food on Tuesday wasn't ncessarily the smartest as it was pancake day, but god damn it, I wasn't missing out on pancakes. Steve was shocked that I had never flipped a pancake before, so after making a batter together and arguing over the best technique to make the perfrct pancake, we got to flipping! Once I had begun to flip the pancakes, Steve said I had to go for 'Big Air'. This meant I had to, one handed, flip the pancake practically as high as the ceiling. For this, we moved into the dinning the room after Steve had hit the lights in the kitchen. After throwing my pancake into my face several times, I did finally manage 'Big Air'!! Hooray! You might think, but as my air born pancake reached its lofty heights the wind direction changed (the ceiling of my victorian terrace clearly has its own climate), it no longer was directed tpwards my open pan. It was cruelly swept away from me and landed slap down on the wooden floor. Never mind, it still got eaten!!
Steve also had a similar problem with his 'Big Air'. But his mathamatical brain managed to calculate the physics of the experiment so he could catch his pancakes, unscathed. However, bravery took over and he attempted the ultimate pancake toss. The pancake was flipped in 'Big Air' stylee, he pun on the spot, pan flung out in the opposite direction, the pancake . . . on the floor! Devestated he lay on the floor, crestfallen at his fallen pancake. He wanted to give up. He had given up. Nevertheless, my 8 year old inner child that had never flung pancakes before, was mesmerised - he just had to try again! The pancake, now quite cold, was returned to the pan and attempt 2 took place. As the spin was completed, I closed my eyes momentarily, praying the pancake would make it. Opening my eyes I saw Steves pancake land perfectly into the pan, arms aloft we cheered like no one has cheered before! Steve ran a small circle around the dinning room, praising his greatness! He celebrated by eating the cold floor pancake!
It was lovely, I was a child again. My Mum never flipped pancakes, I had never even tried. Its pathetic I know, and its strange how something so simple and so innocent can revitalise you. I knew I shouldn't really have eaten so many pancakes, I knew pancake shouldnt really be in my hair, I knew I shouldn't eat food that had been on the floor, but none of that seemed to matter. I was 8 again, I dind't need to watch what I was eating - ust for a moment. I was suddenly relaxed and happy. I had had a major stress over Monday, which was probably partly due to my stresses in other areas of my life. I have been up and down very much over the last couple of weeks, doubting myself at many corners. But all my worries were flipped away in the toss of a pancake! Wonderful!
Aside from all that, I am now 12 stone 3! Just 2 pounds to go to reach the half way point! Hooray!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo happy. Yesterady at work, so many people commented on my weightloss, noticing I had a waist again - I was only wearing jeans and a jumper! I felt fabulous. However, I have my lovely Cie this weekend so wine will be drunk, sushi eaten, and hopefully, mucho fun will be had! Not necessarily great for the waist line!
Nx
This week was bizarre. After Monday's let down, I got back on the horse so to speak. I started again. I began to think carefully again about what I was eating and what I was doing to combat anything I shouldn't be eating!
Tuesday was great, I still felt a little disheartened about my Monday binge. It shook me well and truly. I was disgusted with myself. But there is no point dwelling, if I am that appauled, I shoudl do something about it. Food on Tuesday wasn't ncessarily the smartest as it was pancake day, but god damn it, I wasn't missing out on pancakes. Steve was shocked that I had never flipped a pancake before, so after making a batter together and arguing over the best technique to make the perfrct pancake, we got to flipping! Once I had begun to flip the pancakes, Steve said I had to go for 'Big Air'. This meant I had to, one handed, flip the pancake practically as high as the ceiling. For this, we moved into the dinning the room after Steve had hit the lights in the kitchen. After throwing my pancake into my face several times, I did finally manage 'Big Air'!! Hooray! You might think, but as my air born pancake reached its lofty heights the wind direction changed (the ceiling of my victorian terrace clearly has its own climate), it no longer was directed tpwards my open pan. It was cruelly swept away from me and landed slap down on the wooden floor. Never mind, it still got eaten!!
Steve also had a similar problem with his 'Big Air'. But his mathamatical brain managed to calculate the physics of the experiment so he could catch his pancakes, unscathed. However, bravery took over and he attempted the ultimate pancake toss. The pancake was flipped in 'Big Air' stylee, he pun on the spot, pan flung out in the opposite direction, the pancake . . . on the floor! Devestated he lay on the floor, crestfallen at his fallen pancake. He wanted to give up. He had given up. Nevertheless, my 8 year old inner child that had never flung pancakes before, was mesmerised - he just had to try again! The pancake, now quite cold, was returned to the pan and attempt 2 took place. As the spin was completed, I closed my eyes momentarily, praying the pancake would make it. Opening my eyes I saw Steves pancake land perfectly into the pan, arms aloft we cheered like no one has cheered before! Steve ran a small circle around the dinning room, praising his greatness! He celebrated by eating the cold floor pancake!
It was lovely, I was a child again. My Mum never flipped pancakes, I had never even tried. Its pathetic I know, and its strange how something so simple and so innocent can revitalise you. I knew I shouldn't really have eaten so many pancakes, I knew pancake shouldnt really be in my hair, I knew I shouldn't eat food that had been on the floor, but none of that seemed to matter. I was 8 again, I dind't need to watch what I was eating - ust for a moment. I was suddenly relaxed and happy. I had had a major stress over Monday, which was probably partly due to my stresses in other areas of my life. I have been up and down very much over the last couple of weeks, doubting myself at many corners. But all my worries were flipped away in the toss of a pancake! Wonderful!
Aside from all that, I am now 12 stone 3! Just 2 pounds to go to reach the half way point! Hooray!!!!!!! I am sooooooooooooooooo happy. Yesterady at work, so many people commented on my weightloss, noticing I had a waist again - I was only wearing jeans and a jumper! I felt fabulous. However, I have my lovely Cie this weekend so wine will be drunk, sushi eaten, and hopefully, mucho fun will be had! Not necessarily great for the waist line!
Nx
Monday 4 February 2008
Good Day; Bad Day.
Just when life should be getting easier!
Strange old day. I have the typical womanly issues today - Im not sure how many blokes read this, but I am sure you get what I mean. As with many women, all I have wanted all day long is junk. However, I knew I didn't need it. I knew I could manage as I have done now for a few weeks, haven't binged at all. It has been bloody hard work but over the las week or so, I haven't even noticed it.
My confidence has grown in leaps and bounds. I am happier with how I feel, how I look and how I cook. I am starting to feel a little more adventurous with my dress sense. My teaching is more vibrant and enthused. I am happy.
So why the hell did I do it? What the hell is wrong with me? I've been doing sooooooooooo well. I've been so proud of myself. Then I let it go in the space of 15 minutes. I undo all the good work I have done, for nothing.
It was a funny old day. I felt I had worked pretty hard and got nowhere. I felt pretty on top of things though, pretty confident. I had my new long black sweater in that makes me feel thin (who knew how fab New Look Tall is?!), my weight watchers humous and carrot sticks in the fridge, and no mental ability to organise myself at all! I was not on this planet. I knew I was being covered this afternoon, yet I hadnt sorted any lesson out - I have no idea why, this was not me. So, I worked through my lunch, forgot the carrots, and the somewhat suspect low fat humous.
So, come 4.30 I was starving hungry. I hadn't felt so hungry in ages. I am now used to set meal times (ish), to eating a decent, healthy amount. I am not used to skipping meal at the moment. I thought my stomach was going to lurch up and out of my throat, just to eat something. I drove passed McDonalds (Satan's food by the way) and felt myself drawn. I quickly kicked sense back into the alien brain and decided on a sandwich from tescos. I spent a good few minutes perusing the calorie content on each lable - to my horror I found that the 'healthy option' thai prawn wrap had more calories than the normally packaged duck and hoisin wrap, how does that work?! So, with my relatively low ft wrap (the lowest there) I went to the check out . . . . via the bakery counter . . . then by the chocolate counter.
I lost control. I drove a few minutes, parked up and within 4 minutes I had eaten wrap, huge chocolate cookie and chocolate egg, all washed down with some manky flat coke I had bough on my drive to Newcastle a few weeks ago. I wanted to vomit right there and then. I was appaulled. Not only at what I had eaten, but at the speed and desperation I did it in. I hated myself. I wanted to curl up and cry and beat my head. I was devestated.
I gathered myself together, made sure I put all wrappers into a carrier bag and went home. Immediately I told steve. I burst out crying, sobbing how sorry I was, how I had undone everything. I was waiting for the disapproval, the disapointment, the disgust . . . . it didn't come. Not that I expected this from steve, its what I felt about myself, therefore why shouldn't somone else see it too? He came over to me, arms around me, pulled me towards him and sshhhsshed me. He was proud that I had admitted to what I had done. That I was now strong enough not to hide it. To admit it to the world meant I could still fight this. Straight away he put his shoes on and took me for a walk, some fresh air and some damage control both necessary.
I still don't know why I did it. I wasn't down, I wasn't angry, I didn't feel like I needed anything, I was just hungry. I was suddenly so consumed with desperation to eat, so consumed with the idea that I was doing something wrong. I knew it wasn't a good idea, I don't think I even really wanted to, but I did.
Not sure I can do this. Maybe I'm just destined to be big.
Nx
Strange old day. I have the typical womanly issues today - Im not sure how many blokes read this, but I am sure you get what I mean. As with many women, all I have wanted all day long is junk. However, I knew I didn't need it. I knew I could manage as I have done now for a few weeks, haven't binged at all. It has been bloody hard work but over the las week or so, I haven't even noticed it.
My confidence has grown in leaps and bounds. I am happier with how I feel, how I look and how I cook. I am starting to feel a little more adventurous with my dress sense. My teaching is more vibrant and enthused. I am happy.
So why the hell did I do it? What the hell is wrong with me? I've been doing sooooooooooo well. I've been so proud of myself. Then I let it go in the space of 15 minutes. I undo all the good work I have done, for nothing.
It was a funny old day. I felt I had worked pretty hard and got nowhere. I felt pretty on top of things though, pretty confident. I had my new long black sweater in that makes me feel thin (who knew how fab New Look Tall is?!), my weight watchers humous and carrot sticks in the fridge, and no mental ability to organise myself at all! I was not on this planet. I knew I was being covered this afternoon, yet I hadnt sorted any lesson out - I have no idea why, this was not me. So, I worked through my lunch, forgot the carrots, and the somewhat suspect low fat humous.
So, come 4.30 I was starving hungry. I hadn't felt so hungry in ages. I am now used to set meal times (ish), to eating a decent, healthy amount. I am not used to skipping meal at the moment. I thought my stomach was going to lurch up and out of my throat, just to eat something. I drove passed McDonalds (Satan's food by the way) and felt myself drawn. I quickly kicked sense back into the alien brain and decided on a sandwich from tescos. I spent a good few minutes perusing the calorie content on each lable - to my horror I found that the 'healthy option' thai prawn wrap had more calories than the normally packaged duck and hoisin wrap, how does that work?! So, with my relatively low ft wrap (the lowest there) I went to the check out . . . . via the bakery counter . . . then by the chocolate counter.
I lost control. I drove a few minutes, parked up and within 4 minutes I had eaten wrap, huge chocolate cookie and chocolate egg, all washed down with some manky flat coke I had bough on my drive to Newcastle a few weeks ago. I wanted to vomit right there and then. I was appaulled. Not only at what I had eaten, but at the speed and desperation I did it in. I hated myself. I wanted to curl up and cry and beat my head. I was devestated.
I gathered myself together, made sure I put all wrappers into a carrier bag and went home. Immediately I told steve. I burst out crying, sobbing how sorry I was, how I had undone everything. I was waiting for the disapproval, the disapointment, the disgust . . . . it didn't come. Not that I expected this from steve, its what I felt about myself, therefore why shouldn't somone else see it too? He came over to me, arms around me, pulled me towards him and sshhhsshed me. He was proud that I had admitted to what I had done. That I was now strong enough not to hide it. To admit it to the world meant I could still fight this. Straight away he put his shoes on and took me for a walk, some fresh air and some damage control both necessary.
I still don't know why I did it. I wasn't down, I wasn't angry, I didn't feel like I needed anything, I was just hungry. I was suddenly so consumed with desperation to eat, so consumed with the idea that I was doing something wrong. I knew it wasn't a good idea, I don't think I even really wanted to, but I did.
Not sure I can do this. Maybe I'm just destined to be big.
Nx
Saturday 2 February 2008
Not a Friend of Dorothy, But Thinner!
Aarggh.
I would like to cry, but I am too confused!! On Thursday night when I went for my me-time, I wandered into Brantano Shoes. I found some gorgeous red clarkes shoes with 40% off!! woo hoo! my internal monologue screamed! I walked down to clarks just to check.
They were indeed clarks shoes, but had not come into clarks shops yet, they were a new range that Brantano can get early. So I toddled back, tried them on and strutted about the shop. Wonderful! Red shoes, a vintage syle, clarks and 40% off. I all but ran to the counter. I had my dorothy shoes.
So, Friday morning I wanted to wear them with my red and black ensemble. Left foot in! Right foot . . . . . . wouldn't go. I could not get the right shoe on. I was very confused. I checked the lable, still size 8. The shoes never left my sight in the shop - they were still the shoes I bought. I forced my foot in and realised I couldn't walk in them without ripping my ankle to shreds. I was very upset. Thing is, I know feet swell, but surely they are fatter at night, not in the morning? Surely, the shoes should have fit better in the morning?!!
They still wouldn't fit last night. I am sulking slightly. The answer? I am going to wrap a potatoe, shove it down the toe and leave on the radiator. Hopefully it will stretch slightly and my fat feet will get to fit into my beautiful new shoes!
Anyway, updates for 2nd Feb:-
Chest: - 36" or aprox. 92cm
Waist:- 31" or aprox. 79cm
Hips:- 39" or aprox. 99cm
weight:- 12 stone 5lbs
Height:- 5' 8"
This is quite a change now from the first week - I was expecting a bigger difference to be honest this week, or at least hoping. But it goes to show that watching your calorie intake and adding some light exercise into your day, really really does work!
So since the beginning, I have lost 2 inches on my chest, 3 inches on my waist, 3 inches on my hips and lost 10lbs!!!!!! The last bit makes me feel fabulous!
Right, I am off to fix those bloody shoes!
Nx
I would like to cry, but I am too confused!! On Thursday night when I went for my me-time, I wandered into Brantano Shoes. I found some gorgeous red clarkes shoes with 40% off!! woo hoo! my internal monologue screamed! I walked down to clarks just to check.
They were indeed clarks shoes, but had not come into clarks shops yet, they were a new range that Brantano can get early. So I toddled back, tried them on and strutted about the shop. Wonderful! Red shoes, a vintage syle, clarks and 40% off. I all but ran to the counter. I had my dorothy shoes.
So, Friday morning I wanted to wear them with my red and black ensemble. Left foot in! Right foot . . . . . . wouldn't go. I could not get the right shoe on. I was very confused. I checked the lable, still size 8. The shoes never left my sight in the shop - they were still the shoes I bought. I forced my foot in and realised I couldn't walk in them without ripping my ankle to shreds. I was very upset. Thing is, I know feet swell, but surely they are fatter at night, not in the morning? Surely, the shoes should have fit better in the morning?!!
They still wouldn't fit last night. I am sulking slightly. The answer? I am going to wrap a potatoe, shove it down the toe and leave on the radiator. Hopefully it will stretch slightly and my fat feet will get to fit into my beautiful new shoes!
Anyway, updates for 2nd Feb:-
Chest: - 36" or aprox. 92cm
Waist:- 31" or aprox. 79cm
Hips:- 39" or aprox. 99cm
weight:- 12 stone 5lbs
Height:- 5' 8"
This is quite a change now from the first week - I was expecting a bigger difference to be honest this week, or at least hoping. But it goes to show that watching your calorie intake and adding some light exercise into your day, really really does work!
So since the beginning, I have lost 2 inches on my chest, 3 inches on my waist, 3 inches on my hips and lost 10lbs!!!!!! The last bit makes me feel fabulous!
Right, I am off to fix those bloody shoes!
Nx
Thursday 31 January 2008
People Watching in Costa Coffee
I love people watching. Its a lovely hobby. Not rude if you dont make it obvious you are watching!!
This afternoon I thought I would have a little me-time. Every once and a while I like to take a couple of hours to myself and meander around shops. This was such a day. I also wanted some dorothy shoes! So, I left school before 4pm (exciting for me) and went to the Fort, a smallish retail park.
I had my lovely polka dot outfit on with teal co-ordinated items and little black pumps on. I also had THE green coat on which I love so, it makes me feel so sophisticated. In this dress, strutting my 12 stone 6 frame around the complex, I walked past costa coffee. It suddenly dawned on me I had never sat in a cafe, drank a cup of coffee or eaten on my own. Yes I have grabbed food from Greggs or something on my own, but never actually sat down and lazed over a cup of coffee and enjoyed my own, relaxed company. So, instead of walking past straight away, I walked in. Without even realising, I had ordered a small black coffee and a low fat panini (if that is actually possible - surely its and oxymoron?!), sat down in a corner chair, and watched the people passing by.
Suddenly I realised how content I felt. I was sat alone, loving my own company feeling naughty, yet fantastic being there. Some people might not think this is an achievement, but when you have suffered from pretty much no self esteem, it is huge. The idea of sitting alone was totally paranoid making - everyone was watching you thinking you were a saddo. I didn't feel like a saddo, and I knew no one was watching me - I was watching people!
I noticed two girls, early 30s maybe, walk in. I noticed them because of their gorgeous coats. Both heavy winter coats, down to the floor. They were also perfectly made up - straightened hair, make up, matching handbags. Vain yes, but you should not judge this in strangers. They sat down across the room, next to each other on a sofa, with their large lattes, no doubt with skinny, super low, no fat, no good milk (whatever posh name they give it, I dunno). They were engrossed in conversation on the second bite of my panini, when another woman, around the same age walked in. I noticed her because she had her son with her. I was convinced I had taught her son, was convinced, but I found myself staring at a young boy far too much than was appropriate, so returned to my coffee.
I glanced up again to see the mum and son approach the posh coated girls. She excitedly said "Hi!!! How lovely to see you both! What you doing?" Neither of the posh coated girls stood up. They smiled, looked at each other and engaged in what seemed to be limited conversation. Next time I looked up from the coffee cup, she had gone, the grils back to their deep gossip. However, the mum returned. I looked at her closely this time, she seemed a little dowdier than the other two, but I liked her more, she was obviously more down to earth. She asked Trinny and Suzannah if it was ok for her and her son to sit opposite them. "Oh god yeah! That would be great!" Trinny enthused. With a smile the nice lady returned to the counter to pay for her hot chocolates. I watched T and S. Hidden by a screen from the counter, they stared at each other open mouthed, shock and disgust on their faces. A quick, urgent whisper into one anothers ears, a rapid shaking of the head, a look that would crack a mirror; it said it all. They were vain. They should be judged on it.
How two faced and evil can women be? Less than 2 seconds after this poor girl had turned away, her so called friends were obviously bitching about her. Obviously recoiling at the idea she had dared to ask permission for her . . . and her SON, to sit opposite them. But they were having a jolly nice gossip about other people - how to ruin a lovely day! So the pretty coated ladies disappointed me, but actually, made me feel a little better.
I realised that I was far more than they were. I may have been bigger, I may not be in expensive clothes with matching handbags (mine was £4 from matalan!), I may not have their confidence and straight hair and make up, but my god I had so much more. Suddenly, they seemed drab, empty, nothing spectacular at all. I felt more confident than ever, I knew I had a personality that would outstrip them, I knew I was a better person, I knew that I wanted to go over to the woman and the son I thought I knew (I didnt) and invite them to my table. I wanted to know her, I wanted to talk interesting things with her. I wanted to let her know how beautiful she looked next to Skinny and Tranny. I didn't though.
I finished my coffee, brimming with confidence and ease, conscious that I did not want to radiate vanity and left the shop. Maybe I was wrong about the posh coated women, but to be honest I don't really care. It made me realise that I am not nothing, that there are traits about me which are likeable, even lovable. I realised I was someone who cared about people and that mattered, and if others don't like me - well, it does not matter. They were obviously not meant to be as happy as me.
So my lonely coffee turned out to be quite theraputic. Most people who undertake therapy have another human being to interact with. I just need people watching in costa coffee.
This afternoon I thought I would have a little me-time. Every once and a while I like to take a couple of hours to myself and meander around shops. This was such a day. I also wanted some dorothy shoes! So, I left school before 4pm (exciting for me) and went to the Fort, a smallish retail park.
I had my lovely polka dot outfit on with teal co-ordinated items and little black pumps on. I also had THE green coat on which I love so, it makes me feel so sophisticated. In this dress, strutting my 12 stone 6 frame around the complex, I walked past costa coffee. It suddenly dawned on me I had never sat in a cafe, drank a cup of coffee or eaten on my own. Yes I have grabbed food from Greggs or something on my own, but never actually sat down and lazed over a cup of coffee and enjoyed my own, relaxed company. So, instead of walking past straight away, I walked in. Without even realising, I had ordered a small black coffee and a low fat panini (if that is actually possible - surely its and oxymoron?!), sat down in a corner chair, and watched the people passing by.
Suddenly I realised how content I felt. I was sat alone, loving my own company feeling naughty, yet fantastic being there. Some people might not think this is an achievement, but when you have suffered from pretty much no self esteem, it is huge. The idea of sitting alone was totally paranoid making - everyone was watching you thinking you were a saddo. I didn't feel like a saddo, and I knew no one was watching me - I was watching people!
I noticed two girls, early 30s maybe, walk in. I noticed them because of their gorgeous coats. Both heavy winter coats, down to the floor. They were also perfectly made up - straightened hair, make up, matching handbags. Vain yes, but you should not judge this in strangers. They sat down across the room, next to each other on a sofa, with their large lattes, no doubt with skinny, super low, no fat, no good milk (whatever posh name they give it, I dunno). They were engrossed in conversation on the second bite of my panini, when another woman, around the same age walked in. I noticed her because she had her son with her. I was convinced I had taught her son, was convinced, but I found myself staring at a young boy far too much than was appropriate, so returned to my coffee.
I glanced up again to see the mum and son approach the posh coated girls. She excitedly said "Hi!!! How lovely to see you both! What you doing?" Neither of the posh coated girls stood up. They smiled, looked at each other and engaged in what seemed to be limited conversation. Next time I looked up from the coffee cup, she had gone, the grils back to their deep gossip. However, the mum returned. I looked at her closely this time, she seemed a little dowdier than the other two, but I liked her more, she was obviously more down to earth. She asked Trinny and Suzannah if it was ok for her and her son to sit opposite them. "Oh god yeah! That would be great!" Trinny enthused. With a smile the nice lady returned to the counter to pay for her hot chocolates. I watched T and S. Hidden by a screen from the counter, they stared at each other open mouthed, shock and disgust on their faces. A quick, urgent whisper into one anothers ears, a rapid shaking of the head, a look that would crack a mirror; it said it all. They were vain. They should be judged on it.
How two faced and evil can women be? Less than 2 seconds after this poor girl had turned away, her so called friends were obviously bitching about her. Obviously recoiling at the idea she had dared to ask permission for her . . . and her SON, to sit opposite them. But they were having a jolly nice gossip about other people - how to ruin a lovely day! So the pretty coated ladies disappointed me, but actually, made me feel a little better.
I realised that I was far more than they were. I may have been bigger, I may not be in expensive clothes with matching handbags (mine was £4 from matalan!), I may not have their confidence and straight hair and make up, but my god I had so much more. Suddenly, they seemed drab, empty, nothing spectacular at all. I felt more confident than ever, I knew I had a personality that would outstrip them, I knew I was a better person, I knew that I wanted to go over to the woman and the son I thought I knew (I didnt) and invite them to my table. I wanted to know her, I wanted to talk interesting things with her. I wanted to let her know how beautiful she looked next to Skinny and Tranny. I didn't though.
I finished my coffee, brimming with confidence and ease, conscious that I did not want to radiate vanity and left the shop. Maybe I was wrong about the posh coated women, but to be honest I don't really care. It made me realise that I am not nothing, that there are traits about me which are likeable, even lovable. I realised I was someone who cared about people and that mattered, and if others don't like me - well, it does not matter. They were obviously not meant to be as happy as me.
So my lonely coffee turned out to be quite theraputic. Most people who undertake therapy have another human being to interact with. I just need people watching in costa coffee.
Monday 28 January 2008
Comforting Memories - with lots of gravy!
What exactly IS comfort food?I was just browsing through my chosen homepage of BBC Good Food and decided to have a quick look at their 'top 5s' list. At the bottom of their page they simply list 5 dishes, such as top 5 desserts, top 5 starters, top 5 comfort food dishes. The list, in no particular order, goes as follows:-
Steak and Kidney pie - my god yes!! There is nothing more lush than a rich gravied steak and kidney (must have the kidney) with a round of golden, crisp, puff pastry on top. Definitly a comfort.
Braised lamb shanks - ok, not what I would choose, but certainly understandable. Good meaty dish.
Champ - ermmmm, milk, onions and potatoes? again, ok, understandable but no thank you.
Cheesy swiss bake - no. comfort food should not be pasta bake, come to that, the only cheese based food I would class a vaguely comfort food is cheese on toast.
Panetone pudding - No, no, no. How pretentious! Bread and butter pudding yes, but panetone? just not right.
So I thought I would think about my favourite comfort foods. To me, true comfort food - not binge food, is food that is warming, home cooked and gives cosy, satisfying memoreis of childhood. The kind of food that envokes a smell from a memory, that pictures a small child curled up infront of a real fire in winter, wrapping their hands around a hot cup of cocoa. Comfort food takes you to where you are safe, where you are happy, where your fondest memories hide. No wonder comfort food can be addictive. I causes you to feel emotions that maybe you thought were long past, to think of days you thought long forgotten, to make you smile.
For me, these memories, these foods, stem from my mum and grandma Gill. I used to love watching them both cook, loved the smells from their kitchens (ok, not my mum's when she made pea and ham soup - eugh) loved getting to lick out the mixing bowl when the baking was done. These women are to blame for my liking of proper, old fashioned, home cooked food!
1. Roast beef, yorkshire pudding, good roasties and lashings of gravy! Nothing better - steak and kidney pie is nearly there but not quite. My favourite way to do roasties is this: Heat some oil in 
a roasting pan (hot oven). Meanwhile, par-boil some maris pipers in salt water. Toss the potatoes around in a collander so the edges break up and throw straight into the sizling oil. Turn once during cooking and bake till golden - so very good.
a roasting pan (hot oven). Meanwhile, par-boil some maris pipers in salt water. Toss the potatoes around in a collander so the edges break up and throw straight into the sizling oil. Turn once during cooking and bake till golden - so very good.2. The good ol' cheese on toast - a decent quality creamy lancashire on thick white bread - a dash of worcester sauce goes well too.
3. Jam Rolly Polly Pudding and Custard - a lovely thick suet pudding
with oodles of home made custard. I have never been able - well never attempted - a jam rolly polly, but one day!
with oodles of home made custard. I have never been able - well never attempted - a jam rolly polly, but one day!4. A northern chip shop's pudding chips and gravy - to be honest, only from the Little Chippy in Adlington. Proper northern food. While checking out pictures for tonights blog, I found this website - made me giggle a lot! http://www.liquidice.co.uk/food/chipsngravy.html and in the words of my deputy head "Northern Girls Love Gravy!" Its true.
5. Chocolate goo - of various forms. When I was little and my mum was having a crap day, we would melt down a large bar of galaxy chocolate and eat the whole lot with a bag of crisps each. May sound horrid, but seriously not. So good it should be illegal. You would think my mum a huge woman from this description, but shes one of the slightest women I know.
I would be intrigued to know what other people view as comfort food. For me, when I feel low, these foods are the only things that will do. Sadly, somewhere along the line, the idea of comfort food got fuzzy. The 'lowness' became a constant, and the food became somewhat of an addiction. I lost the line between occaisional indulgencies and indulgent occaisions. The latter became more and more regular. It has been some time since this began, and it is only now that I am learning to love the comfort foods of my childhood again, not abuse them.
Sunday 27 January 2008
Ranting Rebirth
(Photo - a previous Subway Commercial)
How evil are adverts?!
I have always known there must be some spawn of satan hidden behind most adverts, but some are just disgusting. Steve has a marketing degree or two and openly admits that people in marketing and advertising have no care for human kind.
I have noticed several examples of this, but I thought I would just share the one from todays adventures. We decided, well I say we, I decided and steve was forced to come with me despite feeling poorly and having a sore shin (I don't know)! Anyway, I decided to take a walk to the mini tesco to get my ingredients for my nigella day. I could quite easily get all the ingredients from the corner shop, which steve did notice and then winged about for the 2 mile walk to tesco! On our way, during steve winging about being hungry, we stopped into subway.
Now, as far as I know, subway pride themselves as being the 'healthier' fast food option. In America they use previously obese people to advertise their products, "Look, I'm not a fat mess anymore!" They seem to say. It does depend what you order, and how good you are at saying no. For example, I asked for a 6 inch turkey salad, on honey and oat bread, no cheese. The less than intelligent counter assistant said, "No cheese!" "No Cheese," I replied. After a puzzled look she put the turkey pieces onto the bread. "Salad?" she ugged at me, "Tomatoes, cucmber and lettuce please," was my healthy option. "Pickles, olives, gerkins, onions, peppers . . ." It went on, "No thanks, just those." "No gerkins? Black olives? onions?" Feeling slightly irritated now, I gave in, "Ok, a little bit of gerkin please." "Olives then?" What was this woman on?! "No, gerkins please," I replied and proceeded to watch her lather gerkins all over my salad - so much for "a little bit."
"Any sauce, mayonnaise?" she continued. "No thanks, just as it is." Steve was having similar issues on his three meat and cheese monster. "No mayonnaise?" "No." Politeness was going swiftly out of the window. Her confused, neanderthal like face said it all. She continued to anger me further, "Anyfink else? Any cakes, biscuits, drinks . . ." "NO!!!" I myy have said, but instead I was angered by something completely different.
This is were my hate of advertisers and marketers was reborn. Alongside the till, as in most fat food emporiums, was a cake display. It had the usual, danish swirls, choc-chip muffins, glazed doughnuts, nothing that looked particularly appetising. Along the edges of each shelf were little slogan type things designed to sell. Fair enough, I am aware that is their purpose, but the one that really got me was . . . ."C'mon, one won't hurt!" That, I thought, was completely and untterly irresponsible.
Firstly, they are promoting themselves as a healthier option, therefore should not be having cakes at the till. The fact that they are aiming themselves at total fatties that wish to shead the pounds, means they are aiming at people who are significantly weakened when it comes to food. They are aiming at people who do not necessarily have control. They are aiming at people who are more than likely to pick up a bloody doughnut at the counter. So to put, "C'mon, one won't hurt!" is appualing. They are doing the larger side of the public a disservice. One will hurt if it's every day! They have a 'healthy' sub menu, and reduced cost sandwiches everyday, so yes, people who are so weak to believe their promises will eat there. Will go and grab their lunch there. And will, inevitably, believe the, "One won't hurt phrase." Not good.
Maybe I am going a little OTT, but its all so unneccessary. There is a reason western civilisation is becoming obese. Life is all about convenince but as well all about having what 'you deserve'. In other words, whatever the hell you like. Unfortunately, that is not really an option if you wish to stay healthy. Everything in moderation with a good dollop of exercise thrown in. That is the answer.
Another example of marketing targeting the vulnerable is with baby products. Several ladies at work either are, or have recently been pregnant. Kate in particlar was telling me about her baby shopping. Now, unfortunately, Kate does not make millions. However, advertisers seem to think to have a baby you need to. She went to buy a matress for her new cot, however, as each mattress increased in price, it displayed even more options and extras to help with the comfort of your new baby. Now obviously, you want to do the best by your bouncing bundle of joy, you don't want to become paranoid with a 'bad mum' complex. So when buying a mattress which are you going to buy? The cheap one which is guaranteed to kill your child, or the one the price of a small country that will help it sleep, will insure it never cries, will make it clever and athletic, will make it popular and modest, the one that 'good' parents buy?! OK, slight exaggerations, but not by far! This is how marketers and advertisers make young mums feel.
I am aware that it is all about making money and money makes the world go round blah blah blah. Personally I think they are making a living by attacking the vulnerable and weak. Shame on them. Shame on them all.
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