People Watching in Costa Coffee

I love people watching. Its a lovely hobby. Not rude if you dont make it obvious you are watching!!

This afternoon I thought I would have a little me-time. Every once and a while I like to take a couple of hours to myself and meander around shops. This was such a day. I also wanted some dorothy shoes! So, I left school before 4pm (exciting for me) and went to the Fort, a smallish retail park.

I had my lovely polka dot outfit on with teal co-ordinated items and little black pumps on. I also had THE green coat on which I love so, it makes me feel so sophisticated. In this dress, strutting my 12 stone 6 frame around the complex, I walked past costa coffee. It suddenly dawned on me I had never sat in a cafe, drank a cup of coffee or eaten on my own. Yes I have grabbed food from Greggs or something on my own, but never actually sat down and lazed over a cup of coffee and enjoyed my own, relaxed company. So, instead of walking past straight away, I walked in. Without even realising, I had ordered a small black coffee and a low fat panini (if that is actually possible - surely its and oxymoron?!), sat down in a corner chair, and watched the people passing by.

Suddenly I realised how content I felt. I was sat alone, loving my own company feeling naughty, yet fantastic being there. Some people might not think this is an achievement, but when you have suffered from pretty much no self esteem, it is huge. The idea of sitting alone was totally paranoid making - everyone was watching you thinking you were a saddo. I didn't feel like a saddo, and I knew no one was watching me - I was watching people!

I noticed two girls, early 30s maybe, walk in. I noticed them because of their gorgeous coats. Both heavy winter coats, down to the floor. They were also perfectly made up - straightened hair, make up, matching handbags. Vain yes, but you should not judge this in strangers. They sat down across the room, next to each other on a sofa, with their large lattes, no doubt with skinny, super low, no fat, no good milk (whatever posh name they give it, I dunno). They were engrossed in conversation on the second bite of my panini, when another woman, around the same age walked in. I noticed her because she had her son with her. I was convinced I had taught her son, was convinced, but I found myself staring at a young boy far too much than was appropriate, so returned to my coffee.

I glanced up again to see the mum and son approach the posh coated girls. She excitedly said "Hi!!! How lovely to see you both! What you doing?" Neither of the posh coated girls stood up. They smiled, looked at each other and engaged in what seemed to be limited conversation. Next time I looked up from the coffee cup, she had gone, the grils back to their deep gossip. However, the mum returned. I looked at her closely this time, she seemed a little dowdier than the other two, but I liked her more, she was obviously more down to earth. She asked Trinny and Suzannah if it was ok for her and her son to sit opposite them. "Oh god yeah! That would be great!" Trinny enthused. With a smile the nice lady returned to the counter to pay for her hot chocolates. I watched T and S. Hidden by a screen from the counter, they stared at each other open mouthed, shock and disgust on their faces. A quick, urgent whisper into one anothers ears, a rapid shaking of the head, a look that would crack a mirror; it said it all. They were vain. They should be judged on it.

How two faced and evil can women be? Less than 2 seconds after this poor girl had turned away, her so called friends were obviously bitching about her. Obviously recoiling at the idea she had dared to ask permission for her . . . and her SON, to sit opposite them. But they were having a jolly nice gossip about other people - how to ruin a lovely day! So the pretty coated ladies disappointed me, but actually, made me feel a little better.

I realised that I was far more than they were. I may have been bigger, I may not be in expensive clothes with matching handbags (mine was £4 from matalan!), I may not have their confidence and straight hair and make up, but my god I had so much more. Suddenly, they seemed drab, empty, nothing spectacular at all. I felt more confident than ever, I knew I had a personality that would outstrip them, I knew I was a better person, I knew that I wanted to go over to the woman and the son I thought I knew (I didnt) and invite them to my table. I wanted to know her, I wanted to talk interesting things with her. I wanted to let her know how beautiful she looked next to Skinny and Tranny. I didn't though.

I finished my coffee, brimming with confidence and ease, conscious that I did not want to radiate vanity and left the shop. Maybe I was wrong about the posh coated women, but to be honest I don't really care. It made me realise that I am not nothing, that there are traits about me which are likeable, even lovable. I realised I was someone who cared about people and that mattered, and if others don't like me - well, it does not matter. They were obviously not meant to be as happy as me.

So my lonely coffee turned out to be quite theraputic. Most people who undertake therapy have another human being to interact with. I just need people watching in costa coffee.

Comforting Memories - with lots of gravy!

What exactly IS comfort food?

I was just browsing through my chosen homepage of BBC Good Food and decided to have a quick look at their 'top 5s' list. At the bottom of their page they simply list 5 dishes, such as top 5 desserts, top 5 starters, top 5 comfort food dishes. The list, in no particular order, goes as follows:-

Steak and Kidney pie - my god yes!! There is nothing more lush than a rich gravied steak and kidney (must have the kidney) with a round of golden, crisp, puff pastry on top. Definitly a comfort.

Braised lamb shanks - ok, not what I would choose, but certainly understandable. Good meaty dish.

Champ - ermmmm, milk, onions and potatoes? again, ok, understandable but no thank you.

Cheesy swiss bake - no. comfort food should not be pasta bake, come to that, the only cheese based food I would class a vaguely comfort food is cheese on toast.

Panetone pudding - No, no, no. How pretentious! Bread and butter pudding yes, but panetone? just not right.

So I thought I would think about my favourite comfort foods. To me, true comfort food - not binge food, is food that is warming, home cooked and gives cosy, satisfying memoreis of childhood. The kind of food that envokes a smell from a memory, that pictures a small child curled up infront of a real fire in winter, wrapping their hands around a hot cup of cocoa. Comfort food takes you to where you are safe, where you are happy, where your fondest memories hide. No wonder comfort food can be addictive. I causes you to feel emotions that maybe you thought were long past, to think of days you thought long forgotten, to make you smile.

For me, these memories, these foods, stem from my mum and grandma Gill. I used to love watching them both cook, loved the smells from their kitchens (ok, not my mum's when she made pea and ham soup - eugh) loved getting to lick out the mixing bowl when the baking was done. These women are to blame for my liking of proper, old fashioned, home cooked food!

1. Roast beef, yorkshire pudding, good roasties and lashings of gravy! Nothing better - steak and kidney pie is nearly there but not quite. My favourite way to do roasties is this: Heat some oil in a roasting pan (hot oven). Meanwhile, par-boil some maris pipers in salt water. Toss the potatoes around in a collander so the edges break up and throw straight into the sizling oil. Turn once during cooking and bake till golden - so very good.

2. The good ol' cheese on toast - a decent quality creamy lancashire on thick white bread - a dash of worcester sauce goes well too.

3. Jam Rolly Polly Pudding and Custard - a lovely thick suet pudding with oodles of home made custard. I have never been able - well never attempted - a jam rolly polly, but one day!

4. A northern chip shop's pudding chips and gravy - to be honest, only from the Little Chippy in Adlington. Proper northern food. While checking out pictures for tonights blog, I found this website - made me giggle a lot! http://www.liquidice.co.uk/food/chipsngravy.html and in the words of my deputy head "Northern Girls Love Gravy!" Its true.

5. Chocolate goo - of various forms. When I was little and my mum was having a crap day, we would melt down a large bar of galaxy chocolate and eat the whole lot with a bag of crisps each. May sound horrid, but seriously not. So good it should be illegal. You would think my mum a huge woman from this description, but shes one of the slightest women I know.

I would be intrigued to know what other people view as comfort food. For me, when I feel low, these foods are the only things that will do. Sadly, somewhere along the line, the idea of comfort food got fuzzy. The 'lowness' became a constant, and the food became somewhat of an addiction. I lost the line between occaisional indulgencies and indulgent occaisions. The latter became more and more regular. It has been some time since this began, and it is only now that I am learning to love the comfort foods of my childhood again, not abuse them.

Ranting Rebirth

(Photo - a previous Subway Commercial)

How evil are adverts?!

I have always known there must be some spawn of satan hidden behind most adverts, but some are just disgusting. Steve has a marketing degree or two and openly admits that people in marketing and advertising have no care for human kind.

I have noticed several examples of this, but I thought I would just share the one from todays adventures. We decided, well I say we, I decided and steve was forced to come with me despite feeling poorly and having a sore shin (I don't know)! Anyway, I decided to take a walk to the mini tesco to get my ingredients for my nigella day. I could quite easily get all the ingredients from the corner shop, which steve did notice and then winged about for the 2 mile walk to tesco! On our way, during steve winging about being hungry, we stopped into subway.

Now, as far as I know, subway pride themselves as being the 'healthier' fast food option. In America they use previously obese people to advertise their products, "Look, I'm not a fat mess anymore!" They seem to say. It does depend what you order, and how good you are at saying no. For example, I asked for a 6 inch turkey salad, on honey and oat bread, no cheese. The less than intelligent counter assistant said, "No cheese!" "No Cheese," I replied. After a puzzled look she put the turkey pieces onto the bread. "Salad?" she ugged at me, "Tomatoes, cucmber and lettuce please," was my healthy option. "Pickles, olives, gerkins, onions, peppers . . ." It went on, "No thanks, just those." "No gerkins? Black olives? onions?" Feeling slightly irritated now, I gave in, "Ok, a little bit of gerkin please." "Olives then?" What was this woman on?! "No, gerkins please," I replied and proceeded to watch her lather gerkins all over my salad - so much for "a little bit."

"Any sauce, mayonnaise?" she continued. "No thanks, just as it is." Steve was having similar issues on his three meat and cheese monster. "No mayonnaise?" "No." Politeness was going swiftly out of the window. Her confused, neanderthal like face said it all. She continued to anger me further, "Anyfink else? Any cakes, biscuits, drinks . . ." "NO!!!" I myy have said, but instead I was angered by something completely different.

This is were my hate of advertisers and marketers was reborn. Alongside the till, as in most fat food emporiums, was a cake display. It had the usual, danish swirls, choc-chip muffins, glazed doughnuts, nothing that looked particularly appetising. Along the edges of each shelf were little slogan type things designed to sell. Fair enough, I am aware that is their purpose, but the one that really got me was . . . ."C'mon, one won't hurt!" That, I thought, was completely and untterly irresponsible.

Firstly, they are promoting themselves as a healthier option, therefore should not be having cakes at the till. The fact that they are aiming themselves at total fatties that wish to shead the pounds, means they are aiming at people who are significantly weakened when it comes to food. They are aiming at people who do not necessarily have control. They are aiming at people who are more than likely to pick up a bloody doughnut at the counter. So to put, "C'mon, one won't hurt!" is appualing. They are doing the larger side of the public a disservice. One will hurt if it's every day! They have a 'healthy' sub menu, and reduced cost sandwiches everyday, so yes, people who are so weak to believe their promises will eat there. Will go and grab their lunch there. And will, inevitably, believe the, "One won't hurt phrase." Not good.

Maybe I am going a little OTT, but its all so unneccessary. There is a reason western civilisation is becoming obese. Life is all about convenince but as well all about having what 'you deserve'. In other words, whatever the hell you like. Unfortunately, that is not really an option if you wish to stay healthy. Everything in moderation with a good dollop of exercise thrown in. That is the answer.

Another example of marketing targeting the vulnerable is with baby products. Several ladies at work either are, or have recently been pregnant. Kate in particlar was telling me about her baby shopping. Now, unfortunately, Kate does not make millions. However, advertisers seem to think to have a baby you need to. She went to buy a matress for her new cot, however, as each mattress increased in price, it displayed even more options and extras to help with the comfort of your new baby. Now obviously, you want to do the best by your bouncing bundle of joy, you don't want to become paranoid with a 'bad mum' complex. So when buying a mattress which are you going to buy? The cheap one which is guaranteed to kill your child, or the one the price of a small country that will help it sleep, will insure it never cries, will make it clever and athletic, will make it popular and modest, the one that 'good' parents buy?! OK, slight exaggerations, but not by far! This is how marketers and advertisers make young mums feel.

I am aware that it is all about making money and money makes the world go round blah blah blah. Personally I think they are making a living by attacking the vulnerable and weak. Shame on them. Shame on them all.

Food Hangover (and half a stone of waffle)

Well, HOORAY!!!! to me! I hit 12.8 this week. I have lost my first half stone! I have, however, altered my first reward! Instead of having my hair done, I was invited out for a Chinese and drinkies with Cath (not with a K), Rich and a few of their friends. I decided this would be a better alternative - an opportunity to get slightly dressed up and eat duck!!! I am also going to go and see another friends, Ellie in a few weeks and have a 'pampering' weekend. This will mainly involve going to boots and finding some indulgent treats, then putting on a posh dress! In both cases I am far too excited!!

Yesterday all I could think about was chinese food, no matter what I had to do all I could think about was fried rice, noodles and beer! I was marking english books and had to hold back from writing crispy duck pancakes instead of . . . PLEASE START USING FULL STOPS. While teaching table top division, I had to bite my tongue to stop saying prawn crackers! It was a wonderful day, I was aware that I was going to go well over my calorie count, and it made the evening so much more special. The idea that I had 'saved up' so I could have pretty much whatever the hell I wanted, made me feel fantastic.

Yes I ate far too much, yes I had trouble walking afterwards, but my god it was worth it. We went to a place called China Court near the arcadian in Birmingham, and my god it was good. I have to say, I could eat duck pancakes all day every day, I think they are marginally my favourite dish ever! But if you do go, the sizzling steak and the duck with plum sauca is amazing. Also they had a starter which was basically chopped scallops, veg and tiny noodles, eaten in lettuce leaves. It was soooooooooooo yummy!

The draw back of this was on wking this morning. I still felt full, I felt my stomach still had not dropped back to its new, tighter form. Which wasn't made much better by eating vast amounts of popcorn at the cinema this afternoon - went to see Sweeny Todd which is fabulous. I love Johnny Depp anyway, but I thought it was fabulous. Wonderfully dark and gothic in a way only tim burton can deliver. I know some people dispute Johnny's cockney accent, but the fact that he can sing beautifully in that accent was remarkable. I was very impressed and intend on going to see it again when Cie comes to play!

Anyway, even the walk to and from the cinema failed to adjust the heavy feeling I had been carrying around all day. So dinner was thai soup, small prawn based fish cakes (no oil, not even fried) and salad. It was light and refreshing and is starting to make to feel more human. I think I will need to get used to the feeling. If I do go out for dinner, there will be little point having a side salad as it stops it being an occiasion. I think I should go out for food far less, but enjoy it so much more when I do. It makes the idea of food special.

I think this is important. Watching what you eat all day is exhausting. If you can do it for a specific length of time sucessfully, say a month, you should be rewarded with a good meal out - I think it's only fair. Otherwise I think I run the risk of attributing serious lables on food. It will become something I will be unable to do, something that becomes an 'evil'. I wouldn't be able to relax eating out if I didn't treat it as a special thing. I feel like Im waffling now, I know what I mean, I don't think I am saying it too elloquently though. Basically, if you starve yourself completely of something it becomes a fixation. For me, to become fixated on food is dangerous. I have no contol when that fixation takes hold. However, on the flip side, if I think I can't ever go out to eat because of the calorie content, I start losing my love of food. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, tomorrow I plan on having a nice day cooking. I am going to try and make 'nibbles' for the week. I am going to have a go at a couple of nigella recipes, breakfast bars and smoked trout pate. I also want to have a go at making humous. This way I have things I can dip cucumber and carrott in for my lunches this week, and the bars for breakie. I need some variation, yes cereal and soup is undoubedly working for me, but if I continue to eat them week in week out, I will hate them!

Variation is so important, but I do think that comes with a love of food. I can quite confidently have a go at any genre of food (can you use the work genre with food), however, I have never tried Japanese. I recently bought some japanese ingredients and like the way they taste (not so much wasabi) and have found myself dreaming today of making sushi. I can't imagine it's too challenging, so will have a go at some point! That will be another master chef moment!

Hears hoping to feeling less full tomorrow!

Nx

Look at My Man-Bits!! (metaphorically, obviously!)

Tonight, on my way home from school, I stopped into Sainsburys. At the checkout I had three bottles of vinegar, four tubs of Bi-carb, two bags of balloons, carrot sticks with humous, and . . . . A NEW SKIRT!!

Ok, so you may be focusing on the vast amounts of vinegar and Bi-carb - I assure you it is for a science experiment at school, as well as the balloons! We are going to make exploding cannons on Monday! Yey! Very few people can call that work!

Anyway, I am focusing on the new skirt! I promised myself I wasn't going to buy clothes until I had lost a stone and a half, but I was desperate for something pretty. I am so pleased with how the whole weight thing is going, and the lack of binging, that I couldn't resist. That, and the fact that there was 70% off!! Anyway, I wasn't sure what I could possibly wear it with at the moment, or where! But having a play around, tomorrow I am going to be brave! This is what I am going to wear to work tomorrow:

I have never worn a skirt-trouser combo, and my hips feel small enough to pull it off for the first time. I am sure I will have some questionable looks from people, but quite frankly I don't give a stuff! Hey look at that . . . I grew some balls!!

Nx

Homey and Healthy?

I love my homey food. For all the thai, oriental and asian things I throw together, there is nothing more appetising, comforting and warming than something truly homey. I was thinking this today whilst eating my lunch time soup. Homemade soup this week - none of this heinz stuff (sorry heinz . . . . I still love you!). Roasted veg soup went as follows . . .

Roasted Veg Soup

1 sweet potato

3 parsnips

half a butternut squash

1 red onion

three good pinches of cumin seed

turmeric

smoked paprika

mild chili powder

honey

toasted sesame oil

2 pints chicken stock

1. Put chopped sweet potato and parsnips in one tin. sprinkle over the cumin seeds and a good sprinkling of turmeric - quite a thick layer.

2. Over the potatoe and parsnips squeeze a thin layer of honey.

3. In another tin put the chopped butternut squash and red onion. Sprinkle over a good layer of mild chili powder and smoked paprika, as well as a dribble of sesme oil.

4. Roast veg at the top of a very hot oven until edges of the veg start browning.

5. In a heavy sauce pan, boil the two pints of water, adding two chicken stock cubes.

6. when the veg is cooked, add everything to the stock. Use a couple of table spoons of stock in each backing tin to remove any veg and juices that may have stuck. Return this to the pan.

7. Simmer for a few minutes then use a hand blender to blitz.

8. Salt and pepper to taste.

Lovely, warming and homey.

I haven't done the calorie count for this soup, its obviously not the lowest with the oil and honey, but my god it tastes good. It serves about 6 portions and is all I need to see me through from lunch until tea time.

As for my tea . . . I got my teriyaki!! Ok it wasn't chicken, it wasn't as beautifully constructed, but I enjoyed it. Tonight I marinaded salmon fillets in the teriyaki, garlic and a little mirin (Japanese sweet vinegary thing - much lighter than rice vinegar but add a good sticky coat). With potatoes chopped up small (so it looks like you've got more!) roasted in the oven, crunchy carrots and green beans, and a healthier version of my favourite cabbage dish - it was just what the doctor ordered! Again, quite homey but with a twist - posh fish and chips!

However, if I could have my way, this is how I love to cook cabbage:- Cook down with butter and nutmeg; add some scaps of crispy bacon, maybe some pine nuts of bits of walnuts; a splodge of cream or creme fraiche and voila!! I love it! But not particularly healthy. Maybe I will save up my calorie count for this!! Heehee!

Nx

No Use Crying Over Spilt Teriyaki

Yet again I was playing master chef. Steve was not feeling too good so I thought I would try and cheer him up with, in my mind, what I do best; food. I decided to make an onion based cous-cous, stir fried veg (done in toasted sesame oil), and strips of Teriyaki chicken (done on the George). The big plates came out, I successfully moulded the couscous into a master chef style mounds, the veg was tastefully displayed at the foot of each couscous tower, and the strips of teriyaki chicken were constructed into a tee-pee over the couscous! Very impressive I thought. I smelt good, it looked . . . interesting, I was actually quite excited about my tea!

Not quite so masterchef-like was our then laziness in having tea in bed!! Yes, this may seem disgustingly slobbish, but sometimes its necessary. However, Snoopy had another idea. I love my snoopy slippers, but I forget I can't actually walk in them. I scaled the stairs, a lovingly designed dinner in either hand, just one more step to go when Snoopy raised his evil head! As in slow motion I watched the plates fly through the air, I watched the waterfall of beansprouts and poultry pause momentarily mid flight, as I crumpled down onto my knee and elbow (on the edge of a step) There was CRACK! that echoed the break in my heart!

I must have sat staring at the mountainous mess and broken ceramics on the floor and wall for a good couple of minutes. I couldn't believe it. Steve stood looking on apologetically as if he had been the one who told snoopy to play such a wicked trick. And then I started to cry. There has been so much going on in my head of late it was as if, all of a sudden, the licks of brown juice on my skirting board were just the final blow. Whilst trying to pick out the grains of couscous in my carpet, I sobbed, thinking, "Is this a metaphor for our dreams?" (Ok, just so you don't think I'm totally melodramatic; various dreams of people have recently been quashed or come into serious question, including mine). Was this beautiful, now inedible, pile of mulch the proof that had been looming for so long. Was this dinner disaster telling me that dreams are not supposed to be fulfilled? Just as I was destined never to eat my chicken terriyaki?

Sobbing still, picking myself up on my scuffed knee and bruised elbow, I carried the matted hair, floor nast and (probably) toe nail flavoured coucous back down the stairs in a mournful procession. As I poured the remains into my compost pot, Steve came and wrapped his arms around me. He gently wiped away the running mascara on my cheek and gave me a kiss. This made me see the coucous mess in another way. Maybe it wasn't a metaphor that dreams cannot be reached at all. Maybe I had misread it. Maybe it meant our dreams could be reached if we are desperate enough - If we can put up with the crap that comes with reaching the goal, If we can eat the chicken along with the carpet fluff and meters of hair? Dreams should be hard to reach, and sometimes unpleasant on the way. It makes the satisfaction of reaching them all the better.

Starving still, out came the prawns and another sachet of coucous (I like it!). Cooked off the onions again, added some veg and garilc and left my couscous to cook. As I piri-piried my prawns I started thinking differently again. Maybe not ALL dreams are achieveable but it doesn't mean you shouldn't have them. Just change your ambitions, change your dreams. Change to piri-piri prawns! Ok, they may not be what you originally wanted, they may not seem as appealing, but my god, when you reach them you feel better then ever.

For now, I will just have to dream of my chicken teriyaki . . . . as I need to buy more chicken!

Nx

Naked Twister in Rio

Trust is a funny old thing. Take Steve; I trust him completely, whole heartedly and without question. When Caroline came to stay with us for a while before Christmas, Steve went out with his old work colleagues. "I'll be home for 7 . . . 8 at the latest," he had assured me. I wasn't particularly bothered when he wasn't home when I went to bed at 1.30am. I knew he was at Kath and Rich's.

He apparently came in about 2, promptly sat on Carloine on the sofa and fell asleep, full length on top of her while watching Pride and Prejudice. Around 5 he woke up and came to bed - I didn't even stir. I joked in the morning that it was a good job I trusted him, not many women would be happy about their other half falling asleep atop another woman!

Tonight he was entering a poker tournament, the winning prize: a trip for two to Rio. The trip however was in term time and while dreaming over his potential winnings said he would take Caroline. This again, I have no issue with, even when he was saying he would like to take her to Rio and play naked twister with her! Steve is not a perve, he likes to say these things to gauge my reactions I think!! It made me giggle, it made Caoline wince a little I think when I told her, mainly as she has had an aversion to twister since childhood! Some bad, naked experience as a teenager? Guess that one had been supressed as deeply as she could!

Anyway, I trust Steve entirely. I trust Caroline with my life. I trust that certain things in life will be as they should. I trust that if you are a good person, good things will happen in your life. I trust that if you love, you will be loved in return. However, I am not very good at trusting myself.

I don't trust my intelligence. This evening I burst into tears while Steve was teaching me a new card game. I didn't grow up playing what I would class as 'intelligent' games, and whenever faced with something that I feel is beyond my intelligence I panic. For some reason card games are part of this - I like snap! I know this may sound daft to people but I do doubt myself on a seemingly hourly basis.

I don't trust myself to buy a box of chocolates and not eat the entire lot in 5 minutes. I don't trust myself to eat sensibly when cooking for one. I don't trust myself to actually take care of my body. I don't trust myself to see through something that is dificult. I don't trust myself to have the motivation to continue with this life change.

But I am learning and I am gradually getting better. My confidence is growing, but any slight draw back will necessitate a total rebuild. I don't know if I have always been like this or if it is something I have developed as an adult. There are so many things that I genuinely believe I can't do. I can't take compliments, I don't do too well with praise - why? I dunno.

Ive started to believe it is all linked to how I feel about my body. The bigger I am the less confidence and trust I have in any part of my life. So this positive change is bound to help, and hopefully, well I think ineviatbly, I will be able to take on anything!

As for Steve's winnings? Well, Rio will have to wait. There might be some room for naked twister though.

Night.

Nx

Lazy Chinese

Its amazing what you can russel up with seemingly nothing! We were meant to go to my beloved Tesco today, but as we were both being lazy, we didnt quite make it!

Anyway, I had a rummage around and created quite a nice dish, so I thought I would share it with you. All the ingredients were the last portions of things I had in the freezer, fridge, cupboard etc.

Chinesey Beef Stir Fry (serves 2)

1 packet of lean stir fry beef

3 tbspn soy sauce

1 tbspn red wine vinegar

1 tbspn honey

1tbspn hot water

lots of grated ginger - proably about a thumb's length

2 garlic cloves grated

dried chili

1 small red onion

4 shallots

3 chunks frozen spinach

hand full of frozen peas

1 small pak choi

100g uncooked rice

1. make a marinade with the soy sauce, vinegar, honey, water, ginger, garlic and chilli.

2. Stir the beef strips into the marinade and set aside.

3. Cook rice and chop veg.

4. Heat a teeny bit of oil in a wok and cook onion and shallots well.

5. Keep pan as hot as possible and throw in the beef strips and all the marinade.

6. After about 3 minutes, add the spinach, pak choi and peas.

7. Cook for 3 - 5 mins then serve with rice.

I really enjoyed it, might actually make that when I do have food. pray I go shopping tomorrow or I think we will be eating 'stock' soup for a week!! heehee!

Take care,

Nx

Updated Statistics

Well, this is the 3rd Saturday of my project, so thought I would have an update and a re-measure. It is working!!!!! There is a change already - which is the most refreshing thing. There never seems any point to continuing if you don't notice a change - I have noticed a change not only in my body, but in myself. I am much happier in general, much more confident and I have more energy. Its fabulous! So here are the previous statistics and todays measurements . . . .

Vital Statistics 5/1/08

Chest = 38" or aprox. 97cm

Waist = 34" or aprox. 86cm

Hips = 42" 0r aprox 107cm

Height = 5' 8"

Weight = 13 stone 1 lb

Vital Statistics 19/1/08

Chest = 37" or aprox 94cm

Waist = 32" or aprox 81cm

Hips = 41" or aprox 10cm

Height = 5'8"

Weight = 12 stone 10 lb

Woo! Yeah! Go me!!! Heehee!

If I never needed any encouragement to keep this up, its this change. OK, its not radical, ok its not massive amounts, but its enough to make me keep going, to keep plodding on each day!

Basically, Ive made sure each morning I have a bowl of special K with skimmed milk and a gless of fruit juice. At lunch I have a bowl of soup - currently eating Heinz Big Soups which are surpirsingly good value in the calorie department. I also make sure I have a couple of pieces of fruit during the day and my evening meal which averages between 450 - 650 calories each. I am also making sure I go for a brisk walk each night. Some nights I don't feel too much like it so just do a coupld of laps of our block, but most nights I manage to do at least a mile. Just takes half and hour, I get some fresh air and some exercise. Its nothing really - just do it when theres a programme on you dont want to watch!

At some point in the future I will brave returning to he rowing machine which is currently folded up in our dining room, but for now, the walking will suffice.

I'm really starting to like my life again!

Nx

The Weird and Wonderful World of Weight Loss (a long monologue)

Having watched Dispatches on channel 4 the other night about whats in our food, I got quite interested in some of the weird and wonderful diets out there. Now, I am not advocating any of the following, I certainly am not planning on following any of these! Anyway, I came accross this website; http://choosers.ivillage.co.uk/diet/ which has an A-Z list of "the Good, The Quirky, and The Ugly" diets which are available. Very interesting read actually.

Following research and personal experience I decided write some of these ideas down;

The Scarsdale Diet - I had never heard of this one before, until this week. A colleague is following this diet plan which basically involves eating lean meat, fruit and veg. Ok, you might think. She has lost 8 pounds in less than 2 weeks, this scares me. Surely a sensible amount is 2-3 pounds a week? I dunno. Maybe I just don't have the commitment for such a regime.

Atkins - really? meat and fat? I understand you introduce small amounts of carbs daily, but this is never going to be sustainable, surely?!!

Skinny Bitch Diet - Posh Spice. Need I say more.

The Beverly Hills Diet - all about combinations. You are not allowed to eat meat and carbs together. Not have a roast dinner? Not have chili and chips? Curry and rice? Lasagna? What exactly can you eat on the same plate other than chicken and salad (all very nice in summer, but all the time?!!) No.

The Maple Syrup Diet - I kid you not! This is 'recommended' for 7 days only. And when you read what you are supposed to follow, you can see why. "Replacing normal food for a liquid only diet of water, lemon juice, with maple and palm tree syrup, spiced up with cayenne pepper or ginger." Ooooooo Yummy!! Sign me up for that and a week of squitz! Nice.

The Baby Food Diet - Really?

Now for some alternative, non published diets, some home remedies you might say;

The Gregg Barton Diet - bless Gregg. At university when Gregg decided he had to make himself more beautiful, he developed his own sense of diet. This would consist of his normal meals, be it a half parisian baguette from the Lancaster University Spar Deli, or steak and chips in wetherspoons; but the diet bit came in when ordering, "I'll have the 10oz steak, chips, pepper sauce, onion rings . . . . oh and a large side salad!" That was about it. It was a diet as long as you had a salad on the side; fish and chips with salad - diet; donnner kebab, chili sauce and mayo with salad - diet; lard fried in lard with salad - diet. I mock you Gregg, but I still love you!

The 'Drunken, Uninsured, Moped Driving Idiot' diet - This one is tried and tested. This was the last time I felt truly fabulous about my weight, however less impressed about my lack of car. During my first year teaching in Lancaster, some complete *many expletives deleted*, sozzled out of his brain, rode his scooter flat out down our street at 2 am while I was sleeping soundly. He failed to see the bright red Polo parked beneath a street light with no other vehicles around it. He decided he would like to bounce off my car, shred his scooter and render my mode of transport completely imobile. It was a rght-off. So for the next few weeks while my uncle tried to do something to my car to make it road worthy, I had to walk to work. Anyone who knows Lancaster, this involved walking from the very low down river lune, to the very top of Bowerham hill. Took ages, but my god I felt good!

The Heart-Breaker - not recommened. Basically when a loved one suddenly leaves or dies and you become so consumed with grief that you physially cannot eat. Luckily I have thus far escaped this, food is my friend and it would never leave me.

The Ball-Breaker - once the greiving period for the bugger that dumped you begins to move on, the anger sets in. During this period you are so consumed with hate - and quite frankly too busy cutting up the ex's belongings, ripping out the tummies to their stuffed teddies, and burning their shoes - to even notice you are hungry. Food is less important than sharing your rath with the world!

The Chewing Gum Diet - a new release. Doctors have finally realised that if you are stupid enough to eat 25 -30 sticks of chewing gum a day, you are going to get the squitz. Unpleasant but lots of weight lost.

The "I don't eat 'til Tea Time" Diet - again, tried and tested. Again, not recommended. This is my life style which I am trying to change. Since school I remember not eating breakfast or dinner, I would just have my tea about 7pm. Once I stopped playing sports etc at college, I quickly realised that I actually put on weight. This is because my body would think it was pretty much starving, it didn't know when it was going to ge fed again, so it stored all the bad stuff! Obviously very healthy.

The coke diet (no.1) - The "Supersize Big Mac, supersize fries, extra onion rings . . . . and a diet coke please," diet. Yeah, because those people are intelligent!

The coke diet (no.2) - I am sure advocated by some people out there. Basically involves a 30 a day habit, hanging out in trendy bars with trendy people and doing a line of coke off some skanky toilet. You get thin, but also run the risk of vomiting up a lung.

And then there's my current diet . . . .

The Nat Diet 08 - Become aware of what calories and fat are in food. Eat what I like but in moderation - I am still having curries that I love and a little bit of chocolate. Cook good food and love doing it. Get some exercise - I am walking roughly a mile a night I think.

and most imporantly - enjoy yourself.

Diets should not be a crash thing, it shouldn't be because you simply have to fit into that dress; it should be because you want to make a positive difference to your life, because it makes you happy, because it makes you healthy. It should be sustainable and become the fabric of your relationship with food. A diet is not about losing weight, its about eating right for YOUR body.

Night night,

Nx

Breathe and Carry On Smiling.

I caved.



Not big time, but I caved.



Last night I went for a walk and ate 1 and a half bournville bars. I just felt so worthless and down. I was mad at myself for letting myself slump, for letting myself think I couldnt do it, that to make myself happy was so hard. Ok, it wasn't exactly a binge, it was only 330 calories!! But thats not the point. I let myself give in. I only didn't eat the other half because I was with Steve and I wanted to look as if I had control. Had Steve not been there I would probably have gone to tescos and bought God knows what.

Anyway, I got up this morning and thought, never mind, today is a different day, smile, breathe and carry on regardless. Did my hair, dressed up smart (new teal belt sucking me in today), touch of makeup; and yet again I managed to make myself feel confident. Today was a great day, apart from telling my maths class off for being completely unable to retain anything from 17hours worth of maths lessons when we had just repeatedly covered he same bloody objectives!!!!!! . . . . . . .. and breathe! I teach set two out of two. Its not good.

When I feel confident about who I am, everything else is boosted. My positive outlook is magnified, even when faced with the question, "Miss, what do I do? I've filled my page but I still have quetions to do?" How I didn't scream, "Turn the bloody page over!!!!" I don't know. You've just got to breathe and carry on.

I was really organised as well today, I have got so much work done. I have managed to do most of my planning for the next three weeks, which is great. I only really have one week left to plan for and then half term!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSS!! all round! Sorry to get over excited there, I just like the idea of being so organised I can look forward to my half term and know I can sit and do bugger all! Nice. I will try to calm down now, breathe and carry on.

Even though the general day was great, the same thing happened when I got home. I suddenly becamse sapped of energy and desire to do anything. Again, I got changed into baggy clothes, cleaned the kitchen and stared into the freezer for quite sometime. You may think this is some kind of new facial treatment to go with my slow image remolding, but no. I could just not work out what to cook. I know there is something wrong when I just stand staring at frozen poultry and sigh. I couldn't shake it, I don't know why.

I am hating this. I just want to have a full day of sheer confidence. A day were I feel nothing can bring me down. Or at least the strength to not let things get me down.

Anyway. Just breathe and carry on.

Nx

What a Difference a Day Makes

Interesting day. Yet again woke up feeling well rested and brave! I quite like this new feeling in me, I've never really felt brave before. Ok, with all things considered, choosing a slightly different outfit is hardly brave. Its not exactly climbing Everest or fighting in Iraq or eating a Big Mac; all those things need real, true bravery. But ths is bravery for me.

So, I donned my black trousers (which usually have rolls of muffin top sticking over them), my new (yes I spent money! oops) long black polka dot top over a red vesty thing, and tightened myself up with my new red belt. I felt fantastic!! I marched around school all day with tons of confidence! Within five minutes of walking down a corridor, five people all stopped me to say how lovely I looked. Head swelling and ego fighting back, I could feel my confidence and 'fit body fit mind' ideals shining out of me. One of my colleagues even said she was going to bring me in some shoes to match the outfit as they didn't fit her! Excellent!!

I know this all sounds massively bigheaded but it's such a long time since I felt that good. From side on I thought I looked quite slender and from front on I had a waist!! Although, I did realise I could no longer sit down!! God help all those poor women that wear corsets etc, one small belt was enough for me! Every time I sat down I felt like I had a rod up my back trying to stop the cascade of flab over the belt! This will do wonders for my posture!

Anyway, I left work early today so I could go home and flounce about the house feeling fabulous and spend some time with Steve. However, I don't quite know what happened but this wonderful, addictive feeling I've had all day just seemed to . . . evaporate.

I got out of my new favourite outfit and put on my jeans and big baggy top. Suddenly I was a frump again. Suddenly I felt fat again, suddenly I felt like a complete waste of space. It wasn't the clothes, I could feel I was on my way down anyway. Now its taking all my energy not to go to the mini tesco and buy a hoard of crap to eat. I really really really want to stuff my mouth with something thick and creamy and chocolatey. I want to feel like I did this morning. I just don't know why it changed.

Tea was awful. I had no motivation to cook anything interesting. I did attempt to make a healthy veggie sauce to go with gnocchi and chicken (done on my George). The chicken was lovely, the sauce and gnocchi was somewhere between baby food and the bottom of a compost bin. Not pleasant. So I am now also starving which is not helping with my overwhelming craving to binge. Not sure I am going to be able to stop myself - I just have to try and stay in the house, might not be an idea to go for a walk tonight. Such a weak excuse.

Anyway, calorie count today is around 1200 although I only ate half my tea so count probably closer to 1000. Need something else to eat but have little motivation.

Sorry to be so melancholoy, I am aware there are more important things in life. I just can't believe how shallow I am that an outfit can alter my entire being. This is all a hell of a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

Tata for now.

Nx

Belts and B*tches

Hooray!! The last week has done a little I suppose - not really sure how much is appropriate to lose in one week. This morning I was 12 stone 12!! Hooray!!! It made me quite cheery so today I got a little more 'daring' with my outfit. I put on the black dress that had previously prompted 'those' looks, with quite a 50s looking teal cardy over the top. I then used the belt of the dress to sinch in my waist a little over the top of the cardigan. Matched with my high heels I felt confident and happy when I left the house.

Once I took off the never fail green coat, I started to feel a little anxious. I knew one of the first people I would see would be the woman who had me feel so monstrous on the dress' last outing. With courage, my chin held high, my waist belted and my stomach sucked in as far as it was humanly possible, I entered the room where she, and other evil eyed people were. "Morning Nat," echoed the voices. And that was it. No looks either evil or complimentary. As I'm not their biggest fan at the best of times, this pleased me. At least I didn't look so bad that I had to be judged on the spot. The fact that they said nothing positive doesnt really matter - thats just par for the course I think. However, another colleague came in to my room at the end of the day just to tell methey thought I looked lovely today. This made everything worth it!!

This however, did not help my bank balance so much. Filled with my rebuilding confidence, I floated into Sainsbury's on the way home where I bought a new top and three new belts!!!! I figure if I'm getting my waist back I may as well try and draw some attention to it. However, one of the belts does need taking back as it is too big!!!! I couldn't be bothered taking my coat off to try it on - that'll teach me to be lazy!

Anyhoo, calorie content a little higher tonight as I made pork penang, so I'm currently on 1300 calories. Nice mug of turkish delight options later (only 34 calories a cup!!) should fnish the day off perfectly.

Back to trackies though tomorrow - can you wear a polka dot top and teal belt with those?

Nx

Vertically Challenged

Fun was definitly had this weekend in Newcastle, food was relatively healthy, however, I do think Ernest and Jullio have not helped with the losing of weight over the last 48 hours! However, a little rose and a little bubbles was much needed as I went ot help Cie pack some of her stuff.

I have attached a couple fo pics from last night in my favourite dress and coat. They always make me feel so good about myself, and I felt good in my own skin last night. The coat, however, is still a little tight as you can see, but I didn't care! I even think I look ok in the photies, and I know exactly what people will say, "What are you wanting to lose weight for, you look ok?" But I don't underneath. I am 2 stone heavier than I wish to be, my stomach goes out from underneath my boobs!! It is not a good look.
A similar argument people say to me when informed of my 13 stone, is "But you're tall, it's ok!" Yes, ok, I am nearly 5'9", ok yes, if I was 5'4" then we would be facing a different problem, ok yes, I am taller than some people including 4 out of 5 male colleagues, ok yes, as Elena says, I carry a lot of my weight on my boobs, but height cannot be an excuse to keep eating! If you are not happy about how you look it doesn't matter a damn about your height. I love being tall and will mostly choose to wear heels as well, but if my stomach is arching outwards, making me slightly larger than some pregnant women, there is not a pair of shoes high enough to make me feel good about how I look.

But I did feel good about how I looked last night, and with caroline in her gorgeouse red tulip dress, we set out for the Flat Bread Cafe. This is a new restaurant in newcastle which apparently has plans to role out over the rest of the UK. It was incredible. They have an eclectic menu of dishes from peru, morocco and various other places. You chose three, along with your flatbread and you just tuck in. So between us we had six incredible dishes including turkey tagine, jerk fish, a monkfish dish, all beautifully cooked. We poured a glass of rose each and then part way through the meal Cie pointed out we hadn't even touched the wine. that is a sign of the kind of people we are, we are foody people, and the scientific analysis of our food (trying to work out what ingredients were used) had prevented us from taking a single sip of the pink stuff. If you are ever in the toon you must hunt it out, I forget where exactly it is, down some cobbledy street, but keep a look out for it!

So, I haven't kept a count of the calories for the last couple of days, but I have been strict on myself. I am very nervous about tomorrow as I am going to get on the scales again and see what has happened to me since last Saturday. I am looking forward to it but very scared in case the expected doesnt occur.

Fingers crossed!

Nx

Prostitutes Can't Read (and other sweeping generalisations)

Yes, this was actually said by Erika on Thursday morning! Basically she had decided to wear a dress for school. As I pick her up from the train station in the morning, she has to stand on the street corner, so, as she wished not to be confused with a prostitute (because you can at 7 in the morning whilst wearing a trenchcoat and shoulder bag) she decided to read her book. This however did not prevent an old man parking up along the street to wolf whistle her!!

When collected, she informed me that by reading a book it would differentiate between prositute and someone who is waiting for a lift as, "Prostitutes Can't Read." High level prostitutes or 'escorts' can only read The Sun! This made me giggle quite a lot!

Anyway, my reason for mentioning this is that I was totally impressed with her fashion choice of the day. I always envy people who wear dresses to work - Cie wore an evening dress to her job the other day just because she could!! I would love to be able to wear dresses to work. I wore one once - a black 1950s style, sleevless shirt dress that I wore with a short turquoise cardigan. I felt fabulous in the dress. But when a colleague looked me up and down in the derogatory manner in which only a woman can, I never wore it again.

I would love to have the confidence to wear slightly unusual things for work and not give a stuff about what 'they' think. After Erika's outfit (which she looked so gorgeous in with ankle strap high heels), and Caroline's constant flambouyant work attire (let's face it, it's far more flambouyant than anything I own!) I thought I might get myself a dress when I lost a few more pounds.

Then, yesterday - and this excited me - I could suck my stomach in again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a BIG deal!! I could also feel that my waist was feeling a little tighter. Caroline said she could tell I had lost weight already and was looking better than when she saw me last. This caused me to bounce around her bedroom and hug her repeatedly - it made me feel so good! Cie, in fits of giggles watching me, said she liked how my boobs jiggled when I bounced as hers didn't do that! I meerly pointed out that my where holding more weight than hers! Hopefully not for long!

Anyway, so with the whole dress thing and the feeling much better about how I looked already, I decided that today in Newcastle I would find myself a dress for work! Yipee! I thought. Only to remember why I hated clothes shopping in January. The shops, resembling an oversized jumble sale, are too full of people and the clothes that you find are either in a size 10 or 22. Neither of which fit Caroline or I. I very quickly gave up.

However, I refuse to give up on the idea of expanding my wardrobe, to find an eclectic fashion sense, to feel confident in what I'm wearing and not to give a rat's ass what anyone else might think! With pro-active behaviour comes confidence, with confidence comes happiness, with happiness comes the will to do great things!

Have a lovely weekend,

Nx

Idiocy and an Eggplant (or 2)

(Recipe below)

Well, as said, today is another day, and a much better one at that!

Had a much healthier outlook on life today. I basically stopped being an idiot. I lay in bed last night thinking about all my friends that are having a thoroughly shit time of it at the minute. Some of my friends are having to pretty much start their lives over, everything they knew has had to change. Some people have also recently changed their lives deliberately and are having a really crap time dealing with it. Their problems are so much more than this and they are coping with it with such courage, confidence and with a (sometimes forced) smile on their face. And I was stood mesmerised by bloody chocolate Santa's because I want one more than I should! I was reduced to a jibbering wreck over food!!!! How ridiculous.

I have to maintain my positive mental attitude! The new year started well and yeserday was my first glitch, but I didn't do anything!! I stood my ground, and despite feeling low I did it! But to be honest, it's not really a major challenge, all things considered.


I am off to Newcastle this weekend to see my lovely Cie (http://secondhandshopper.wordpress.com/) tomorrow after school. Only the four bloody hours on the motorway! She's one of my friends thats having a crap time. Without going into too much detail, just before christmas she was faced with the prospect of having to leave her flat, having to quit her job, having to find somewhere new to live, all on her own. The way she has coped with all these issues, and more, over the last few weeks, has been incredible. Yes shes found it hard, but it is all so admirable. I wish I had even half of her motivation and confidence. I am so proud of her and so happy she is such a good friend of mine.

When I spoke to her this evening, she was so upbeat that it shamed me slightly. Pretty much everything in my life is pretty good. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a good set of close friends, a loving family, a house, a good job, great potential job prospects in the future, money (although not much), I do pretty much whatever I like and I'm on the internet winging about the fact that I can't control what I eat. Im quite cross with myself. But I'm sure I will get over it far quicker than I should.

Calorie count today is around 1200 again - with a small bag of malteasers thrown in!!! One of the kids at school bought them for me! How lovely!

Much shorter walk tonight, just a couple of laps around the block, but enough to know I'd actually got off my lazy fat arse!

Tonight, I am going to give you my very simple Thai Green Curry Recipe:-

Thai Green Curry

(serves 2)

1 white onion - or shallots

2 chicken breasts, or a carton of king prawns

2 large spoons of Thai Green paste - see jar (My favourite, strangely enough, is Tesco's own. I have used many and this one has the best balance of flavour)

1 Tbspn light soy sauce

1 tbspn fish sauce

1 dessert spoon lime juice

1 tsp sugar

1/2 tin of low fat coconut milk (about 200ml)

3 -4 small egg plant (I get mine from the chinese market in town, they roughly plum sized)

several baby egg plant (again, from the chinese market, they look like peas on a twig!)

small, dried red chillis (usually about 3).

1. Heat the chopped onions in a wok or frying pan with a teaspoon of oil.

2. Add the chicken and brown slightly.

3. put in the paste and stir to coat all ingredients. Leave to cook for a minute or two.

4. Add the soy and fish sauce, lime juice, sugar and coconut milk. Stir well.

5. Slice the baby egg plant and add with the baby egg plant to the curry.

6. allow to simmer for a while. Towards the end of cooking, throw in the dried chillis just to add a little extra spice and colour! If using prawns, add now and allow to warm through.

Nice and easy, but gorgeous! I also adapt this slightly for soup. I would use the whole tin of coconut milk and add about the same of water. I would also add in some kaffir lime leaves. I don't usually include meat when I make soup, but I still eat it with rice! Yummm!!

Might not be able to blog again until next week so will miss putting up my weekly weight on Saturday! Fingers crossed its gone well and I will post it asap!

Have a lovely Friday!

Nx

Vertebrae not Included. (But recipes are)

(recipe included, read past the waffle)

Hmph. Bad day. Feel completely useless and totally self conscious today. Erika and I were going to go to ceroc classes tonight. I have never in my life done anything like it, and I was so excited about going. Obviously I was terrified as well, but really really looking forward to it.

Anyway, as the day has gone on the more aware of myself I became. In the end I couldn't face the idea of coming face to face with a complete stranger feeling as huge as I did. There was no way was ready for such kind of socialising. I used to be such a confident person when out, but now I crave being comfortable and not in a place where any attention could be put on me. The idea of someone touching me when I am not comfortable in my own skin, appalled me. I couldn't do it, I paniked, I chickened out.

I now feel horribly guilty for letting Erika down. I hate letting people down. I feel ashamed that I have let myself get to such a point where my confidence is in such shreads. I know I would love the ceroc classes, I have always wanted to be able to dance. I know next week is another week and hopefully I will have the guts to go. I just wish I wasn't this pathetic!

I had to go to the book shop for something for school (which frustratingly wasn't there) this evening and I was kind of wandering around in a daze. I had wanted to stop the car soooooooooo much between school and there and buy chocolate and crisps and sweets and biscuits and pork scratchings and anything disgustingly dripping in fat and calories and everything thats wrong for me. Walking round the shop was hard. I believe I spent near on 10 minutes just staring at the half price chocolate santas, daring myself to pick one up. I managed to chicken out of that too! I swear, had I stood there much longer, the mery little foil covered santas would have stared singing to me. I felt delirious. I felt . . . . I felt sad. I was so desperate to eat . . . . something, anything! But I didn't. and I should be proud of that. Because had I started eating something like the chocolate santa, I wouldn't have stopped, I would have had to have had more. No portion control. I cannot lose control again. I terrifies me that it's possible. I should be happy that I fought the urge, but I don't. I feel like I'm empty because at the moment I don't have the strength just to have a little, just to have enough. Its either nothing at all, or a disgusting, gut wrenching, pig making amount.

Since, I have come home, wrapped up in a thick woolen cardy and plonked myself on the setee. At the very least I should go for my walk tonight (have been doing about a mile march each night! Go me!) but I really can't be arsed. However, it's nights like this I really need to kick myself outside and just bloody do it, stop being crap, just sort myself out!

I have cooked a very healthy tea though tonight - Low fat chicken Saag. I love curry, and more to the point I love Saag!! I have added the recipe below. Now, I cook by tasting so I have tried to approximate the amounts, bt they may be ever so slightly out, sorry!

Low Fat Chicken Saag (Nat's Version)

couple tablespoons of yoghurt

2 chicken breasts

tsp mild chili powder

tsp powdered ginger

tsp smoked paprika

tsp cumin

tsp tumeric

salt and pepper

half a lemon

cumin seeds

corriander seeds

1 white onion

2 cloves of garlic

1 red pepper

6 blocks of frozen spinach (any reputable supermarket freezer department!)

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

dried/crushed chilli

1. mix the spices with the yoghurt and juice of half a lemon.

2. Add the chopped chicken and leave for as long as possible. The chicken is the most calorific part of this recipe so the leaner the chicken, the lower the calorie count.

3. Sprinkle a couple of pinches of cumin and corriander seeds into the wok or frying pan, heat.

4. Toss the seeds occaisionally, waiting for them to brown slightly.

5. Add the chopped onion and a teaspoon of oil (just so it doesn't stick too much, so this might not be necessary if you have a really good pan)

6. add the crushed/grated garlic when onions starting to brown.

7. When softend, turn up the heat and add the chicken, turning often.

8. whe almost cooked through, add the tomatoes, pepper and spinach blocks. (for the spinach, tesco's for once does not seem to do it best. the fozen spinach from tesco are in whole leaves. Sainsbury's however do chopped frozen spinach cubes which are much better for this recipe.)

9. add a sprinkling of crushed chilli and stri in.

10. Allow to bubble and reduce. I always add extra spices at this point, plenty cumin and ginger (often use grated fresh ginger here instead of powder - i keep mine in the freezer). Also some salt and pepper.

11. Always taste and add in any extra of the spices you like.

I often do this without yoghurt and corriander seeds which I personally prefer.

If using Lamb, also add some cardamon pods at the yoghurt stage and leave longer before cooking.

I was a little cheeky tonight as I have had half a nann bread as well!

Today's calroie count is around 1200. I haven't been for my walk yet but maybe I will muster up the courage in a little while!

Take care,

Nx

Physical Education or Fancy Dress as a Chav day? (I hate trackies)

I promise to be much quicker tonight! Not too long as there's some good food telly tonight. I believe there is a new series of master chef on bbc 2 which I hope to catch. I love watching amature cooking stuff as I often feel, "I could do better than that!" It also leads me to start imagining I'm on the programme every time I cook!! Ok, he doesn't present it now, but I alway get images of Lloyd Grossman commentating on how I was slicing my pepper, or congratulating me on my inventive choice of spices - obviously I always win! I am awesome!

I may seem smug, but I am usually rather pleased with what I cook. I'm just not allowed to cook when I am over tired - Steve will tell you how my food does generally taste like rotten cabbage when i'm tired!! Granted, sometimes it is rotten cabbage but he will never know!

Anyway, the routine worked for today - cereal as usual, couple of clementines, soup again (the last of this bach of tom yum - gutted!), soy coated salmon with veg fried rice for tea (in the smallest amount of extra virgin olive oil poss) and drinks for today has put me on around 1200 cals, give or take. Have also been on a brisk walk with Steve this evening which http://caloriecount.about.com/ suggests has burned about 208 cals.

The walk was interesting though, Steve decided he was playing 'games', obviously without my knowledge. They seemed to involve me being flung into lamp posts, bushes, bollards, fences, bush shelters, roads etc. You would have thought after 15 minutes of this I would have got wise to his oh-so-entertainning game, but no. I am obviously a moron!! He apparently won all these games! Idiot.

As for http://caloriecount.about.com/, this was recommended to me by the lovely Cie (Second Hand Shopper - click the link for a really good read! Even if you don't really like fashion, it'll make you want to buy things!!). Its quite a good website actually. I don't use it completely, it's just a good point of reference. It has lists of nutritional information about seemingly any food stuff, and also lists of exercise (no matter how minimal - one of them was "Walking - seeding a lawn") and how many calrories it burns. You can even type in whole recipes and it will calculate the nutritional values for you. It is supposed to be used to keep a tally of each days foods etc, but I do that in Nats Fat Book, but its deffinitly worth a look!

I promised I'd keep this short and I'm waffling again!! Tomorrow I have double PE. Now, I haven't taught PE for almost a year. Due to my PPA time (planning, preparation and assessment) and various other activities, my class has ended up being taught by someone else for at least 2 terms. This means however, I have to wear my tracksuit bottoms. Now these are more than a little tight, to the point where you can see about 4 inches of leg between trouser bottom and trainner. What do I do? Do I go to school thinking, "Sod you all, you're only 10, what do you care that I look like a beached whale dressed as a scally?!!" Or do I chicken out and just claim, "I forgot my kit miss," and do it in normal clothes? decisions, decisions, decisions.

I think the answer will only come when trying to dress in the dark in the morning - best excuse ever for looking like crap at work!

Cheers for all the messages of support and pieces of info, hope this means people feel a little bit better about talking about food more openly.

Cheerio,

Nx

Lies, Regimes and Ranting.

well, back at work tomorrow after a wonderful christmas and new year! Strangely I didn't eat too much over the festive period, my weight has gone down a little since I finished school on the 21st!! My festive miracle!! The photo is of me and Steve wombling about in the rain at Stirling Castle on New Years Eve with the lovely Lynne and Pete (photo courtesy of the wonderful Miss Lynne Osgathorpe).

No, tomorrow signals that start of the hard work I think. My biggest issue when I am in work is that I don't usually eat until I leave work. I know this sounds ludicrous and lots of people don't understand it, but I have never been one to eat breakfast. With my own drive, motivation, desire to do my job to the best of my ability and lets face it, stupidity, I rarely have lunch either. I often find I don't have time. I am no good at 'eating on the run', I like to sit and enjoy my food. Also, as I adore food so much, I don't often relish packed lunches. I certainly do not relish the idea of school dinners (I have actually seen, with my own eyes, chicken served with a cornflake crust!! And it's usually cold!!). So I basically wouldn't eat until I go home. Some days I didn't even notice that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything until 6.30 or later.

Lets face it, this is completely unhealthy. I believe my body was storing fat to compensate for the 'when the bloody hell are you going to feed me?' question it was constantly asking. And just as the special K adverts say, people with regular eating patterns tend to be healthier. So the hard task will be to force myself to have breakfast, even harder to force myself to actually sit down for ten minutes at lunch.

I'm not really inspired by our staff room either, which doesn't help. I don't like to eat at my desk - it's that full of crap I fear I might lose more tupperware (the cupboard elves manage to steal enough of it!). But no one really goes into the staffroom. It's not a close staff really, well not in the juniors. There are cliques and individuals. I like to see myself as an individual but that does mean you spend quite a lot of time on your own. Not to bother though, I don't have the most amount of time to socialise at school - I'm not complainning, I make my own bed etc etc.

Anyway, I'm waffling - so, it's basically learning to force feed myself during the day. This will probably boost my calorie count, but it will undoubtedly actually help me maintain a healthier lifestyle and a more balanced body weight. It will also stop me binging on my way home and stuffing myself when I get in. I have been known to eat two chocolate bars and a bag of crisps on my 20 minute drive home, then come in and eat half a block of cheese (with chutney), or slices of toast, biscuits, anything I could get my hands on. Then an hour later cook tea. Its a disgusting habit. I hate myself when I binge. But it happens. more often than it should though. I binge because I'm sad, or stressed, or hating my job, or hating myself, or feeling alone. Pretty much any negative feeling I comfort with food, but lots of it.

Earlier last year, Steve was away for a few weeks (China fo 3 with work, then shortly after Vegas in preparation for his new career as poker god!). Many nights I binged. But in my head it was 'ok' because a) I was going to the gym, and b) no one could see me. If no one could see me then it wasn't really happening. An example binge would be - M&S prawn cocktail (whole tub), a ready meal for two (e.g. moussaka or lasagna), garlic bread, an entire cheesecake (ok not in one go, but certainly in one day), and a whole jar of nutella (small one eaten with a spoon!). This was an evening. OK not every evening but it still happened.

I would also look forward to half terms as one day out of the week I would order a whole dominoes pizza and all its extras for my lunch. I am a disgusting pig. I haven't done it in a while, probably because Steve works from home now. He doesn't know any of this yet, so we will see if he is reading my blog!! Heehee! I'm being honest about it now because I need to be. But also because I know other people have done it too. A very good friend of mine was known to eat half a loaf of bread in one sitting even though alergic to it (I hope she doesn't mind me mentioning this, it's not as if its happened for a long while - i love you!!). But through listening to others I realised its not just me, other people are also going through hell related to food!

The press and tv etc has so much to blame for this. And possibly parents to some extent (everyone is slightly screwed up from childhood - lets be honest!). We all know we are in a culture where body image and foodhabits are at the forefront, particularly for women. Regardless of how many times a sensible, intelligent woman says, "Oh I don't take notice of that stuff, it's all rubbish, I know better," she still cares. It still affects her. Some people's aim is to make their stomach concave due to this. Other women lose confidence and dislike themselves because of this. Some women use food as a comfort because they don't have the confidence to believe they are worthy if they don't look like what society deems is acceptable. This may sound a little extreme but its true to some extent with the vast majority of Britain's women (and men, let's not forget our better half of society . . . . ahem.). Lilly Allen is a perfect example of todays culture. A gorgeous girl with fantastic curves and confidence, we all thought. "Screw them!", she wasn't going to be another clone, another stick. And look whats happened to her. Fame, fortune and the culture got to her. She lost weight, and yeah she looks good, yeah she's probably healthier and yeah she probably feels better. But something of a spark has gone from her. Some of her life and confidence. Ok, it's better than her trying to overdose, but I was so inspired by her two fingers up to the skinnies. Never mind.

Anyway, I'm not aiming for skinny. I'm aiming for happy!

Wishing myself good luck with the new regime tomorrow - will let you know how it goes.

Today's calorie count: 1200

Today's exercise: 1 mile march around Brookvale park.

Hope you're all well!

Nx

Scary food, thai soup and a frozen chicken.

(Recipes Included! Just bypass the waffle if you like - they're at the end.)

Ok, so this is day two of my 'awakening' and how scared am I about what is actually in food?!!! How thick am I never to have realised what is in stuff?? We went to good old Tesco yesterday (my spiritual home - and Elena's) and got the shopping in (Obviously, although I have been known to go to tesco and just stare at the shiny lights . . . . .ahem.) Anyway, thought I would just get our normal shop and actually record the calorie and fat content.

I just want to point out that although this sounds a little obsessive, it is not strictly a diet. Its all the stuff I would normally use I just wish to make myself aware. So, having banned Steve from putting anything away, I wrote everything down in Nat's Fat Book. Basically this has meant that I can physically see what I am putting into my body. Yes it took ages, yes I was bored, yes I got funny looks from my boyfriend, and yes the chicken nearly defrosted, but from now on I have a list of ingredients I use with their 'healthy' content. I need to register what a portion actually looks like instead of cooking the mountains of food I do as if I have a small country to cater for.

So, the last two days I have cooked meals I like to cook but actually thought about the claories and fat in them. I have actually adapted my recipes to make them 'healthier' but not lose the taste! I feel quite excited that lower fat and lower calorie food, doesn't actually taste like baby sick!!

So here's the last two days calorie count and the food I ate:-

4/1/08

Very bad day - I only ate at tea time (dinner for those people south of brum or just less northern than me).
We had two courses!!

Thai Soup (homemade - recipe at the bottom) aprox 50cals

Red Beef Curry and rice (75g is apparently a portion but it was too much for me) aprox 525 cals

Obviously, the curry is quite high, but I know how to adapt it now. I don't need as much rice, I can quite happily use the low fat coconut milk (it actually makes a better curry) and only rarely use beef - I usually use chicken which is obviously better. But this is a normal tea for me, this is not a diet tea. But it just shows, you can have what you want (within reason) as long as you are willing to adapt slightly.

So with the clementine before bed I consumed around 610 cals (little bit of milk in my tea included!). I also went for 25 minute march up and down the streets on our road - my neighbours might be thinking I'm a little strange now!

5/1/08

A much better day! I have eaten quite well, been quite hungry as I have refused to snack! But it'll get better.

Breakfast

Special K Red Berries with skimmed milk and glass of apple juice - 248 cals

Dinner

Bowl of Thai Soup and a clementine - 76 Cals (and I was stuffed - seriously read the recipe its sooooooooooooooooo lovely)

Tea

Piri-Piri prawns with vegetable cous-cous and a half a clementine (steve is an evil thief!) 290 cals - AMAZING!

So with my ovaltine light (yes I am actually and 80 year old woman) and a couple of other drinks (other than water) I have consumed around 725 cals today, and been for a 20 minute march around the lake (now the ducks think I'm strange too - the swans understood!)

I'm actually really pleased with this, as these meals are fairly typical, its just about portion control which is a 'developing skill' of mine!

OK, the good stuff . . . . .

Thai Soup (Tom Yum I think)

serves 6-8

My uncle lives in Thailand and his lovely fiance taught me a few dishes, this is my favourite. You can pick up all these ingredients from your local Tesco or other generic multi-functionary superstore!

This is quite spicy but really refreshing. I will often eat it with a little rice as a main meal, or on its own for lunch! The first three ingredients are inedible though, I leave them in to keep the taste but you could remove them once the intial stock is made.

Ingredients

Dried lemongrass (two full size sticks)

Galangal (3 or 4 pieces - check the spice aisle)

2-3 kaffir lime leaves (as above)

some stems of corriander - or corriander root if anyone can find any. If you can please let me know where!!

strips of chicken or pork, or prawns (optional - this would obviously increase callories and fat)

2-3 large chillis

3-4 garlic cloves

6 - 8 shallots (depending on size)

2-3 tomatoes (depending on size)

6 tablespoons LIGHT soy sauce

5 table spoons fish sauce

2 teaspoons sugar

1 tablespoon lime juice.

1. Boil the lemongrass, galangal, lime leaves and corriander stems in two pints of water. Keep covered and prepare other ingredients.

2. Add chicken or pork (not prawns at this point) to the stock when it has a good flavour. I very often don't use any meat and keep it veggy.

3. Blitz together or finly chop the garlic andchilli mix. Add to the soup along with the shallots. Keep pan covered and boiling.

4. Add tomatoes and all other ingredients (including prawns if using) and leave to boil for another few minutes.

5. The soup is ready!!! I also like to chop some spring onions and fresh corriander and add it as almost a 'topping' to the soup - corriander really adds to the fresh taste!

Piri - Piri Prawns and Vegetable Cous-Cous

serves 2

Easy peasy - I usually use chicken but we had the prawns in and they work really well!

Ingredients

25g Tomatoe Puree

20ml Lime Juice

sharwoods piri-piri seasoning

180g King prawns (one box basically)

100g pak choi

100g spinach

1 pepper

50g spring onion

splash white wine vinegar

splash water

salt and pepper

1 packet of Tesco's lemon and corriander cous-cous

1 tomato

fresh corriander

1. Mix together the puree, lime juice, piri-piri seasoning with a little salt and pepper. Mix the prawns or chicken until coated and set aside.

2. chop vegetables and add to pan with the white wine vinegar, water, salt and pepper. Cover and allow to boil, reduce heat and allow veg to cook until soft.

3. Add in cous-cous and another splash of water (don't put in as much as the packet instructions as there is a lot of liquid from the veg, I just added a coupld of sloshes from the kettle!). Stir, cover and leave for five - ten minutes.

4. Heat a wok or other non-stick pan. Put in the prawn/chicken mixture and heat until cooked through.

5. Stir chopped tomatoes and chopped corrianded into cous-cous and serve with prawns!

beautiful!

Let me know if you try these recipes and what you think! If you ever want any more cooking ideas or have some hints for me - shout away!!

Night Night,

Nx