Frankenstein's Monster

Ok, so maybe not as hideous as Frankenstein's monster, but the idea is right.

It suddenly dawned on me today how we 'collect' bits of other people. Now, in some warped minds, some individuals actually do collect bits of people, Hannibal Lecter for example. I am not saying I have random limbs and oddments of bodies lying around, but metephorically maybe.

I had a flit home (24 hours only) and while filling up at Morrisons I was met with, "Smile, it might never happen!" I turned round to see a face I hadn't seen in a very long time. I have seen Laura now twice (?) since I left school ten years ago, that makes me feel old! In fact, the last time I did see Laura was in Asda a couple of Christmases ago. The reason I mention this, is because she is a freind I never forgot, and thinking about it, have a lot to thank her for.

Over the years, you meet people and 'collect' things from them. For example, from Steve, I have 'collected' a slight stubborness, a developed sarcasm, a habit of swearing too much! From the friends I waitressed with, I 'collected' a confidence and ability to talk to complete strangers. At high school, I didn't really realise it, but I collected a wide selection fo things.

I never really felt like I was meant to be there. I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. Like many people, I didn't fit in. I was relatively smart, not particularly girlie or attractive, had male friends who were oh so lovely, but not necessarily the 'cool' boys, I wasn't very popular. I was't very well liked. Various hideous things happened to me; including being the only person in an enitre form group not to be invited to one of my so-called-best-friend's birthday party; including having another 'friend' read my diary out to the enitre class; including having all my 'friends', save one, not turn up to my birthday sleepover; including being generaly ridiculed and humiliated at many turns and corners; all by people who were supposed to care about me. From these, and other fallouts, I 'collected' how not to treat others. I also 'collected' a sense of worthlessness. I 'collected' the idea that you should always be lovely to people, no matter what, because you never know when it will come back to haunt you.

From Laura, I collected a sense of identity. She was the year (or two? I forget) above me at school. I suspect she had a fairly miserable time at school too on occaisions. I remember particularly in bad spells, I would spend my lunches and breaks with her. She didn't care that I was slightly awkward and unpopular, she accepted me for me. She was always that little bit different from the girls in my class, and I amired her for it. She always seemed so self assured and aware of who she was. I collected the ability to see myself for who I was and not be ashamed of it, the determination not to mold into another flicky-haired, giggly, hand-bagged clone. Laura is fabulous!

The saddest thing is, that yes you do collect the positive attributes from friends along the way, but the negative ones seem to resonate the loudest. I left school with very little self confidence. It wasnt until I went to university that I felt I truly belonged anywhere. I suddenly felt that I wasnt judged anylonger. But its only now that I have started to see how I have become the person that I am. I am a collection of influences and experiences built into a solid whole. I am still developing, still being influenced, and gainning in confidence all the time.

To those people who knocked me down, I wish to say thankyou. Without those experiences, I would never have the strength to know what kind of person I would never want to be. To those people who gave me a little bit of themselves, I wish to say thank you for helping build me into a person I am proud to be. Cheers Laura.

Nx