Vertebrae not Included. (But recipes are)

(recipe included, read past the waffle)

Hmph. Bad day. Feel completely useless and totally self conscious today. Erika and I were going to go to ceroc classes tonight. I have never in my life done anything like it, and I was so excited about going. Obviously I was terrified as well, but really really looking forward to it.

Anyway, as the day has gone on the more aware of myself I became. In the end I couldn't face the idea of coming face to face with a complete stranger feeling as huge as I did. There was no way was ready for such kind of socialising. I used to be such a confident person when out, but now I crave being comfortable and not in a place where any attention could be put on me. The idea of someone touching me when I am not comfortable in my own skin, appalled me. I couldn't do it, I paniked, I chickened out.

I now feel horribly guilty for letting Erika down. I hate letting people down. I feel ashamed that I have let myself get to such a point where my confidence is in such shreads. I know I would love the ceroc classes, I have always wanted to be able to dance. I know next week is another week and hopefully I will have the guts to go. I just wish I wasn't this pathetic!

I had to go to the book shop for something for school (which frustratingly wasn't there) this evening and I was kind of wandering around in a daze. I had wanted to stop the car soooooooooo much between school and there and buy chocolate and crisps and sweets and biscuits and pork scratchings and anything disgustingly dripping in fat and calories and everything thats wrong for me. Walking round the shop was hard. I believe I spent near on 10 minutes just staring at the half price chocolate santas, daring myself to pick one up. I managed to chicken out of that too! I swear, had I stood there much longer, the mery little foil covered santas would have stared singing to me. I felt delirious. I felt . . . . I felt sad. I was so desperate to eat . . . . something, anything! But I didn't. and I should be proud of that. Because had I started eating something like the chocolate santa, I wouldn't have stopped, I would have had to have had more. No portion control. I cannot lose control again. I terrifies me that it's possible. I should be happy that I fought the urge, but I don't. I feel like I'm empty because at the moment I don't have the strength just to have a little, just to have enough. Its either nothing at all, or a disgusting, gut wrenching, pig making amount.

Since, I have come home, wrapped up in a thick woolen cardy and plonked myself on the setee. At the very least I should go for my walk tonight (have been doing about a mile march each night! Go me!) but I really can't be arsed. However, it's nights like this I really need to kick myself outside and just bloody do it, stop being crap, just sort myself out!

I have cooked a very healthy tea though tonight - Low fat chicken Saag. I love curry, and more to the point I love Saag!! I have added the recipe below. Now, I cook by tasting so I have tried to approximate the amounts, bt they may be ever so slightly out, sorry!

Low Fat Chicken Saag (Nat's Version)

couple tablespoons of yoghurt

2 chicken breasts

tsp mild chili powder

tsp powdered ginger

tsp smoked paprika

tsp cumin

tsp tumeric

salt and pepper

half a lemon

cumin seeds

corriander seeds

1 white onion

2 cloves of garlic

1 red pepper

6 blocks of frozen spinach (any reputable supermarket freezer department!)

1 tin of chopped tomatoes

dried/crushed chilli

1. mix the spices with the yoghurt and juice of half a lemon.

2. Add the chopped chicken and leave for as long as possible. The chicken is the most calorific part of this recipe so the leaner the chicken, the lower the calorie count.

3. Sprinkle a couple of pinches of cumin and corriander seeds into the wok or frying pan, heat.

4. Toss the seeds occaisionally, waiting for them to brown slightly.

5. Add the chopped onion and a teaspoon of oil (just so it doesn't stick too much, so this might not be necessary if you have a really good pan)

6. add the crushed/grated garlic when onions starting to brown.

7. When softend, turn up the heat and add the chicken, turning often.

8. whe almost cooked through, add the tomatoes, pepper and spinach blocks. (for the spinach, tesco's for once does not seem to do it best. the fozen spinach from tesco are in whole leaves. Sainsbury's however do chopped frozen spinach cubes which are much better for this recipe.)

9. add a sprinkling of crushed chilli and stri in.

10. Allow to bubble and reduce. I always add extra spices at this point, plenty cumin and ginger (often use grated fresh ginger here instead of powder - i keep mine in the freezer). Also some salt and pepper.

11. Always taste and add in any extra of the spices you like.

I often do this without yoghurt and corriander seeds which I personally prefer.

If using Lamb, also add some cardamon pods at the yoghurt stage and leave longer before cooking.

I was a little cheeky tonight as I have had half a nann bread as well!

Today's calroie count is around 1200. I haven't been for my walk yet but maybe I will muster up the courage in a little while!

Take care,

Nx